


A Minute, A Day, No More.

by Ambienthands



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: 90s AU, Artist Steve Rogers, Bathing/Washing, Bisexual Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes is socially awkward, Bucky Barnes trauma, Bucky has trauma, Buckys job is vague, Creepy Alexander Pierce, Evil Alexander Pierce, First Dates, Fluff, Hurt Bucky Barnes, M/M, Mentions of Blood, Minor Character Death, Non-Serum Steve Rogers/Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes | Shrinkyclinks, POV Steve Rogers, Past Sharon Carter/Steve Rogers, Peggy carter good bro, Period-Typical Homophobia, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Protective Bucky Barnes, Sexual Tension, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Steve is a manager, Steve works at a Kmart, Tension, Trigger Warnings, bucky has secrets, mentions of assault, probably will have some inaccuracy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:13:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 56,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25166770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ambienthands/pseuds/Ambienthands
Summary: One night, a customer attacks Steve after he finishes a shift at work. He is rushed to the hospital where he ends up sharing a room with a strange man who won’t stop staring at Steve. After their strange encounter that night, Steve thinks he’ll never see that man again. However, that doesn’t seem to be the case.(On Hiatus)
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 16
Kudos: 85





	1. Eyes Are Mosaics

**Author's Note:**

> I'll be honest, I haven't written a fan fiction since 2015 and I'm still shocked how this story came about. I started writing this in May at work and I just kept at it. I had no real thought to the plot, just wrote what came to mind. I don't know how this will end and I can't promise this will be good. I already have eight chapters in, 67 pages worth of writing to be specific. All I can say is this story has a certain atmosphere to it, and each chapter will have a title of a song that fits the feeling of the plot. I will definitely update the tags if things come up and there will be trigger warnings in the beginning of the chapters if I deem it necessary. I hope you enjoy my attempt at a fan fiction.  
> \----------------------------------------------------------------------- 
> 
> TW: mention of assault

♡

Steve was used to the hospital rooms; he was used to their food and the tired nurses who would come and check up on him. He was also used to the feeling of being drained from these "visits." The people working there seemed to know his name by now, some were kind, but others were cold towards Steve. He didn't mind the hostile environment. He learned to accept this a long time ago. When you live in a rough part of the neighborhood, you learn a few things, one of them being, don't take things so personally. Steve wouldn't say he was desensitized. Far from it, he felt everything, and sometimes that was too much for him. He was just really good at masking his pain, whether it was physical or emotional. He also just no longer had the energy to care the way he did years back. So, when nurses and doctors seemed less interested in caring for Steve's weak body, he didn't take it to heart. He learned ways to cope with the negativity around him. 

It was October 3rd, 1993. Steve was in the hospital, this time, it wasn't because of his bad health. He came in with a beaten-down face and a broken arm. Peggy, one of the few nurses that showed him any form of compassion, was close to tears when she saw Steve being helped by one of his coworkers into the hospital. His small body being carried in as two nurses rushed to his side. He laid in the hospital bed that was far more comfortable than his bed back in his apartment. He felt pain all over, his stomach was killing him, and he flinched every time he moved his face. Steve tried to distract himself with the soap opera playing in the room. Still, even the awful acting couldn't take his thoughts away from what had happened earlier. He was only glad that he was out of his uniform and wearing the hospital gown that was always too big on him. Peggy would occasionally come by and sneak him some chocolate. She even left him a notepad and a pencil for him to draw. Peggy always gave him a smile before leaving, and Steve always felt ten times better until the pain washed over him. He attempted to draw a little, and he was able to sketch out a picture of himself with an army uniform before his hand began to cramp. At least it was his left arm that was broken and not his right. Steve decided to sleep, to escape the throbs and soreness that was consuming his body. 

Steve felt safer here. The hospital wasn't even that safe, but Steve knew the people here. They had their run-ins with shooters, abusive men who came in, threatening that they released their girlfriend or wife, who was there because of them. This town was filled with people who were either rotten from the inside or rotting away. Steve felt like he belonged in the second category. The only thing that kept him from sinking deep into this depressed state was drawing, but even that doesn't help sometimes. He just needed to keep pushing, that's what he tells himself, but sometimes he can't believe his own words. 

Steve woke up around 1 am. The room was dark. The only thing lighting up the room was the lamp beside him. Steve rubbed his eyes a little. He felt pressure around his head. He turned to his left and paused. There was a man, he was lying on the bed and he- was staring at Steve. Steve didn't say anything. He just stared back. He felt his heart racing as the man watched Steve attempt to move his body in a more comfortable position. Steve knew he was in a shared room; he also has shared a hospital room with many strangers before. He just never had one who stared at Steve the way this man was staring at him. His eyes were misleading. Steve couldn't figure out if he had malicious intent or if he was in a dazed state. The man bit his bottom lip and kept his eyes trained on Steve. 

"Can I he-" Steve gets cut off by his own cough, leaning back into the pillows that were supporting his back, his chest began to tighten. He closed his eyes tightly. They were wet and red. Steve breathes slowly, in a way that would hurt less, but it was no use. Even breathing was painful. The man's facial expression shifts; he pushes the blanket off himself and grabs the cup of water set at the table between them. He approaches Steve, who still had his eyes closed. Steve suddenly felt a hand cup his cheek, he flinched at the touch, and his eyes opened wide to see the man was standing right beside him. The man ignored the fear Steve had in his eyes and pressed the cup against Steve's lips, titling it as the water entered the shorter man's mouth. Steve drank the water, his throat feeling less dry, but he was still shaking as the man processed to hold Steve's face gently with one hand. Steve was only slowly drinking the water. If he drank it too fast, Steve swore his chest would give out on him. The man didn't seem to mind that. He just stared into Steve's eyes before slowly looking down at his lips. Once the water was gone, the man titled to the cup back but still pressed against Steve's bottom lip. For a moment, Steve thought this man was going to strangle him, he hadn't said anything to Steve, and his hand was still on Steve's face. 

The man's corner lips twitch a little before he tosses the cup in the trash and moves back to his bed. Steve watched him closely. He was unable to say anything, scared that it would send him into another coughing fit. Steve took notice of the man's appearance. His hair was dark brown and unkempt. There was a red line under his left eye and a dark appearance on his cheeks and chin. Steve realized the way the man slightly limping when he went back to his bed and that- this man was still staring at Steve. His eyes were piercing blue. It didn't help that this man's under eyes were darker and that now Steve was staring back at him. Steve wanted to attempt to just go back to sleep, but he didn't feel tired. He also didn't trust this man in the slightest. He could still feel the man's touch linger on his cheek. 

Steve looked over at his lap. Peggy had left him a brown bag that was rolled up from the top. Steve grabbed it, his eyes no longer piercing into the man, but that didn't mean the man wasn't still staring at Steve. He opened the brown bag and saw that she packed him a sandwich, a juice box, and a cosmic brownie. Steve would laugh at this, but his body wouldn't let him get away with that without something hurting. He wasn't very hungry; he also didn't have the energy to chew his food. He kept the juice box close and left the rest in the bag. Steve then found himself turning back to the man, his face was a little relaxed, but he was still guarded. "Are you hungry?" Steve's voice was shaky, but it was better than being sent into a coughing fit. The man blinked at the question when he didn't respond, Steve just slowly got up from his bed. He knew it wasn't the best idea to approach the man, especially with his state. 

This man towered over Steve, his arms were a lot bigger than Steve's, and his facial expression didn't read as friendly. But no one around here looked friendly. So, Steve decided that he'd risk it. He was already black and blue everywhere. He approached the man, his grip on the brown bag was shaky, but he ignored the alarm bells going through his head. "I'm not hungry," Steve said. The man eyed him up and down. Steve felt his cheeks warming up as he extended his arm to the man. He wanted to stop shaking. Apart from him knew it was because this man scared him, the way his facial expression was blank. However, his eyes were squinting intensely at Steve. However, he also knew another part of him was still shaken up about what had happened to him. The man's eyes were still focused on Steve as he takes the brown bag, his fingers lightly brushing against Steve's hand, which sends shivers down Steve's spine. Steve turns around and slowly approaches his bed, worried that if he moves too fast that the man will bounce on him. 

When Steve finally reaches his bed, trying to get comfortable, he realizes the man's face had softened a little. He wasn't smiling, but his eyes relaxed, and he had his hand digging into the brown bag. The man's attention shifted to the sandwich and was no longer burning a hole in Steve's face. Steve sighed in relief and took a sip of his juice box. He found himself being able to relax now. He leaned back into the pillow. He waited for his eyes to get heavy and for his body to give in so he can rest. But that doesn't happen right away. Instead, the man finally speaks, and it makes Steve jump a little. 

"Thank you."

He says this in a low but calm voice, and Steve can't help but turn and smile weakly at him. The man was chewing on the sandwich. His attention was on Steve again. "Of course- Thank-k you for the water," Steve said, maybe less confidently, but at least he wasn't convulsing this time. He thought that was the end of the interaction, but it seemed like the man wanted to talk more. "Who did that to you?" the man asked. This time he sounded almost angry? But Steve couldn't really tell with how dead his voice sounded when the man spoke. Steve debated if he should tell this man anything, he really had no right to ask, but Steve found himself telling the man anyways. 

"A customer. He came in earlier at the store for a refund…" Steve trailed off; he takes a deep breath because, god, he still couldn't understand how fast everything happened. Steve hadn't even realized that the man was frowning at him. He stopped eating completely and waited for Steve to continue. "He was trying to return- he was trying… god, I don't even remember what he was trying to return. But he didn't have the receipt, and the item was over a hundred dollars, so I told him we couldn't take it back. He got really mad since I'm the manager I have to deal with him… I couldn't let the younger workers handle that man. He said he'd see me again," Steve paused. He looked away from the man and closed his eyes. He gripped tightly onto his blanket; he opened his eyes again but doesn't look at the man.

"He did come back. He waited outside the parking lot for me. I tried to reason with him, but before I knew it, I was on the ground, and he was on top of me. I don't remember much after that. I just saw some people pull him off of me and my coworker rushing me into his car… my arm is broken now, but you can say it was my own fault. I should have fought him back," Steve mumbled the last few words he said, but the man heard it anyway. Steve finally looks over at the man who was now lying on his side. He furrowed his eyebrows at Steve.

"It's not your fault."

There was a little emotion in his tone, and it brought some comfort to Steve oddly enough. "Did he get arrested?" the man then asked as he moved closer to the edge of the bed. Steve shrugged. He really had no clue what happened after they brought him to the hospital. All he knew is he didn't have to come to work for a week, which Steve felt wasn't enough time to recover from an assault, but it wasn't like his job cared. If they had it their way, Steve would be back tomorrow for a nine-hour shift. "Is that why you kept staring at me? Because of all this?" Steve didn't sound hostile or mad when he asked. He watched as the man's eyes relaxed again. His body, as a matter of fact, was less tense. "No," was all the man said. Now Steve was furrowing his eyebrows in confusion, "Oh?" was all Steve could say before he turned away from the man. He didn't know what else to say, so he didn't say anything. But once again, the man spoke, this time in a whisper.

"It's nice."

Steve's face heats up. He wasn't sure if he heard the man right. He wasn't even sure what the man was referring to. Without thinking, Steve responded back, "what is?" he asked with a confused look. Steve looked back again. His neck was begging him to stay in one position every time Steve turned his head back and forth. The man smiled, a weak smile, but it was a smile, which made Steve's stomach tighten. "Your drawing, it looks like you. A nice face," the man turned, so he was lying on his back. His smile slowly disappears as he stares at the ceiling with a dull expression. Steve suddenly remembered the drawing from earlier and realized it was sitting on the table between their beds. It was a self-portrait. He thought if he subtly changes one or two features, it wouldn't be obvious that he was drawing himself but in a more flattering light. It seems like the man noticed his attempt because as soon as Steve thought of how he changed his appearance in the drawing, the man brought it up as if he could read his mind.

"Why did you make yourself bigger?"

He was looking at Steve from the corner of his eyes like he could not look at anything longer before looking back at Steve. "Do you really think I have a nice face?" Steve asked, ignoring the man's question. The man answered without hesitation. 

"Yes."

Steve was hoping the bruises and cuts could hide his red cheeks, but it seemed like the man took notice of that too. He was watching Steve so closely. Steve couldn't believe he was having this conversation with this strange man at 2 in the morning. He didn't even know his name. "I just wanted to see what I would look like," Steve confesses, he watched the man's facial expression closely, but it doesn't change. It stays dull, and it drives Steve crazy. "I don't hate my body all the time, but right now… when I need it the most. It fails me," Steve didn't want to dump his problems onto this man, but he asked, and Steve didn't have anyone else to talk to. This man wasn't giving him pity. He was just asking questions. Steve didn't understand why, but it wasn't like he would see this man again.

"I understand."

There was a brief silence, then Steve broke it. "Why are you here?" Steve should have just gone to sleep, but he couldn't lie to himself. He was starting to feel better just talking to this man. He was his distraction from the pain he was feeling in his body. It was replaced by nerves, but Steve would rather feel his hands get sweaty then feel his heart almost fail on him. The man licked his lips, his eyes darken slightly, but it seemed like he was trying to hold back any form of emotion. 

"I got into a dispute; he had a knife. Now my arm has a wound, and I have a cut across my stomach."

Steve nodded slowly, sucking on his bottom lip. He didn't want to press further; he didn't want to ruin the atmosphere that they had built over the past hour. "I think I like being here," the man randomly said. His voice sounded confused, and that was the most emotion he had in his voice. "I'm always here," Steve said with no complications. The man looked like he was going to smile, maybe Steve was reading into it too much, but he swore he saw the man's eyes light up a little bit. "Yeah, I think I like it here," the man repeated, dragging his words. He still kept a close eye on Steve, who- well, was blushing. Steve knew he was blushing; it was the second time the man said something nice to him. Steve decided this is where the conversation would end. His eyes were becoming heavy, and he could no longer fight off his body, demanding him to rest. Before he knew it, he drifted off, and the man was still watching but this time with a less intense look. 

When Steve woke up, it was 10 in the morning, and he was alone. Steve frowned; he shouldn't be upset that the man had disappeared, but he was. He also realized his drawing was gone; the nurse probably threw it out like they've done in the past whenever Steve left them lying around. Steve just closed his eyes and tried to let the feeling he had a few hours consume him. He felt hazy and warm. He wanted to stay like that for a while. He didn't want anyone to bother him. Steve stayed another night at the hospital. If he were still 20, he'd probably make a deal about not needing the extra care, but he was 26 and tired. He wanted to be left alone. No one seems to want to leave him alone. But he really did enjoy that man's company, even if he was a little creepy. 

  
Steve arrived at his rundown apartment complex; he saw his old beat-up car was parked nearby. It was just a few feet away from his building. Still, he was grateful that one of his coworkers was nice enough to retrieve his car for him while he was out and come by to drop his keys off to him at the hospital. So, as soon as Steve made it to his door, he went straight to bed. He crawled under the covers and was thankful that Peggy had gotten him an extra pair of clothes. He was also thankful that he didn't have to wake up early for work, but he didn't want to go back. Steve was scared. He didn't want to relive that whole experience. He couldn't sleep well without being jolted awake because all he could see was that angry customer walking towards him with rage. Steve wanted to stay under his covers forever, he didn't want to leave his house, and he didn't want to see anyone ever again. Steve spent the rest of the week lying in bed. He would only get up to use the bathroom or grab a snack. He didn't feel like opening his blinds just yet. The darkness was comforting. When Monday rolled around, Steve was on edge as he got dressed, his arm was in a cast, and he attempted to tuck it under his dress shirt. His face was also still pretty bruised up, but the higher manger in his store told him he'd be busy working in the office for a little while. Steve wanted to see that as a win but going back to that store was like a death sentence to Steve. 

His store has dealt with robbery once or twice, but Steve was never scheduled that day. This was his first time being assaulted. He had been in fights in the past when he was a teenager, but something about this experience was different. That customer was out for blood. He wanted Steve dead. The coworker who had dropped off his keys for him had told him that the police weren't able to find the guy, which was just great! Steve definitely loved hearing that the man was roaming his neighborhood. That's what scared Steve, someone was willing to kill him over something as dumb as a refund, and he was still out there. Steve almost lost his life, and he was still expected to come to work. Steve needed this job, so he ignored the stares he got from his coworkers when he came to the store and went straight to the office. He stayed there until his shift was over. He drove back home and went straight to bed. That was how his days went for the next three weeks. Once his face healed, the district manager let him out of the office. Steve was pretty shaky; he usually could use his customer service voice and give them the fakest smile he can muster. It's why they made him a customer service manager. Steve was good at being friendly, but it seemed like light is going out slowly.

Steve went back to the hospital, this time to drop off some treats for the nurses. Peggy had her own special little box; it was four chocolate cupcakes with red frosting. He knew they both shared a love for sweet things, and Steve just really wanted to show Peggy how much he appreciated her. When he saw the way her face lit up as soon as she opened the box, it made Steve feel like the past few weeks were worth enduring. If he can make one person happy, he was content with himself. She made him stay with her during her break and let him have her lunch because she knew Steve was probably eating very little. Peggy refused to let him leave until he finished her lunch. 

"Peggy, can I ask you something?" Steve asked as he takes a bite of Peggy's strawberries. She nods, leaning closer to the table. They were sitting in the hospital cafeteria, if you could call it that. Just like the rest of the hospital, it was crowded and outdated. Steve didn't like how the walls felt like it was closing on him or how the lights would flicker that it gave Steve an eerie feeling. "Of course. Is everything ok?" she asked in a perturbed tone. Steve nodded. "I'm fine, Peggy. I just wanted to ask you about the night I was here. I was in a double room with someone," Steve explained, his mind wandering back to that night when he met the strange man. He still remembers those eyes, the way the man could only muster up one kind of facial expression. He wished he could put a name on that face. He hadn't referred to him as the man. "Yeah, I do… did he do something?" Peggy almost sounded scared; Steve shook his head, trying to calm Peggy down. "No, no. I just was wondering who he was?" Steve said as he took a sip of his water. Peggy tilted her head, pressing her lips to form a thin line.

"Why do you wanna know that?"

She sounded surprised like she couldn't understand why Steve even remembered this random man he roomed with weeks ago. Steve wasn't sure if he should bring up the staring or how the man helped him take a sip of water. So, he didn't. He wanted that to be between him and the man. "We just… we had a nice conversation, is all. I didn't catch his name," Steve said in a low voice, almost like he was embarrassed for even asking, but it just made Peggy worry more. "Steve, you know I can't tell you that- he talked to you?" Peggy gasped a little. Her eyes widen, which made Steve get nervous. "Yeah-h. Why? Why are you looking at me like that?" Steve's voice cracked. "He refused to talk to us- Steve, what did he say?" she asked in disbelief.

"You won't even tell me his name," Steve said, almost in a childish tone. He pouts, which warrants an eye roll from Peggy. "You know I can't tell you anything about him," she huffed, causing Steve to lean back in his chair, crossing his arms. "I know…" he trailed off, his eyes scanning the cafeteria. He was now regretting asking Peggy anything. Maybe he should have kept this information to himself. "So… what did he say to you, Steve?" she asked in almost a whisper. Steve wasn't sure if he should answer that question. He could just tell her that they talked about their injuries. That was a safe response, so that's what Steve told her. He told her that and only that. Peggy didn't seem convinced, scrunched up her face but didn't say anything. Steve didn't want to lie to her, but it was easier for him when she didn't worry about his wellbeing all the time. They changed the subject once Steve realized he was probably not going to get the man's name. When Peggy's lunch break ended, she thanked him for the cupcakes, and Steve left the hospital a little disappointed. He wasn't sure why he cared so much. He only spoke to the man for an hour before drifting off to sleep, but it was one of the weirdest interactions he has had, and he lived in a town filled with odd characters. Steve chalked it up to the fact that the man was just very complimentary to him, and that's why he cared so much. 

Steve would come back a few weeks later to get his cast off, it took his arm a little longer to heal, and it was a pain to shower with. All Steve wanted to do was scratch his arm again. When they took off his cast, he flinched at the smell a little. It wasn't overwhelming, but it bothered Steve's nose. His skin was pale and dry. They let him use the bathroom, and he gently scrubbed the soap into his left arm, trying his best to mask the smell of his arm. When one of the few nurses that did like Steve, Wanda, gave him some lotion from her purse and he was able to temporally make his armless of a distraction to himself. Steve was now at the front desk, handing back the lotion to Wanda, who was with another nurse in scrubs. "Just because your cast is off doesn't mean you can go all crazy now, Steve," Wanda said with a stern voice. "Now you think he's going to listen to us?" Clint, one of the few male nurses that worked in the hospital.

  
Steve just scoffed; he would usually bicker with them, but he was far more distracted with his arm. God, it was so pale. "Well, it's not like I mind you coming here. I really loved those Ferrero Rocher? Those are nice," Wanda beams, her cheeks were slightly flushed. "I know, they're your favorite," Steve said in a weak voice. He leaned against the front desk and watched as Clint complained about how none of their other patience ever bring him treats. Steve was only half listening; his attention was to the nurses and doctors on the floor who were rushing through in a panic state. 

"Wanda. Clint. They need you in 423. Right now," one of the women said in a distressed voice before rushing away. The two looked at each other before turning back to Steve. "Get some rest, Steve, ok?" Wanda said in a calming voice. Clint just patted Steve's back, and the two broke into a quick jog down the hallway. Steve could hear a loud noise coming from above. He can feel the mood shift and decided it was his time to leave. It was mid-November; it was getting a little dark outside, and Steve felt the hairs on his back stand. He looks around cautiously as he walked into the parking lot. Steve shoved his hand in his pocket and grabbed the key to his car tightly. Steve couldn't believe he was getting nervous at a parking lot; his arms were shaking, and his heartbeat was beating faster than usual. Once he reached his car, he slammed the door and locked it as soon as he got in. He grips onto the stirring wheel and tries to breathe. He closes his eyes, inhaling and exhaling. He tried to think about what would bring him comfort once he got home. He finally got a new but used TV; it was smaller, but now Steve had something to distract him. He also could order some pizza tonight. He can try to find something to watch, curl up in his bed while he ate some mediocre food. Before Steve can finally settle down, he felt a hand over his mouth. Steve gasped, as the person behind him brought their face and pressed it against Steve's ear.

"Don't scream, please."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed the first chapter. Here is what Steve and Bucky look like in the first chapter:
> 
>   
> How I imagined 90s pre serum to look like. 
> 
> Bucky's appearance will change later in the chapters to look like CW Bucky.


	2. Little Spacey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve spends a long night with the strange man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> something about publishing the next chapter is making me self conscious but here we go. 
> 
> TW: Mention of Blood

♡

Steve didn't say a word. He just focused on the hot breath that was hitting his ear. The voice sounded somber. It sounded familiar. Steve didn't dare to turn around. He just stayed very still as the man's breathing got louder. "I need you- to drive," the man said and then moved his hand to Steve's cheeks. He titled Steve's face to face him. Steve's eyes widen, he attempts to move away from the man, but his body didn't seem to be working. He was frozen in place. "I'm bleeding," the man stated. Steve's eyes land on the man's arm. It was bleeding through his fancy dress shirt, and it looked like he attempted to stop the bleeding with a ripped piece of clothing that was wrapped around tightly on his arm. "I need you to drive now," the man said. He didn't sound like he was in a rush or even demanding. He just looked at Steve with that same stare he gave him that night at the hospital, emotionless and vacant. 

Steve snapped out of whatever trance he was in. He moves away from the man's hand and leans against the window. The man tried to stay calm. Steve could see his face trying to not crack. "Please," the man said as he grips onto his bloody arm. Steve stares at him, his mouth gaping at the sight he was seeing. Oddly enough, he was dressed nicely, his hair was slicked back, and his cologne was filling Steve's car. "Ok-k," Steve managed to say. He turned around and started his car. Steve wasn't even sure if he would be able to drive with how shaky his hands were being. Once they got a few feet away from the hospital, Steve could hear the man move around behind him. Steve wanted to turn around, but he kept his eyes on the road. The man didn't even ask him where he wanted to go. So, Steve was taking his regular route home. Was it a good idea for him to show this man where he lived? No, but at this point, Steve didn't have room to think. Ten minutes into the car ride, the man spoke up again.

"I'm sorry."

Steve tensed up because he sounded apologetic. Steve knew the man was watching him. He can feel it burning into him. Steve didn't say anything. He just continued driving and hoped this man didn't have any bad intentions. He wanted to laugh, Steve was just asking about this man not too long ago, and now he was bleeding in the back seat of Steve's car. Steve parked in a darker street near his place. He turned off the engine and waited for the man to say something. A minute goes by, and Steve starts to panic. Did the man bleed out? Steve turned quickly to find the man lying down, staring at Steve. This time, his eyes were visibly exhausted. Steve gets out of the car as the man watched. He moves his head slowly and sits up, still holding his arm tightly. Steve opens the door, and the man gets out, struggling a little as he winces at the pain. Steve closes the door behind him and quickly shrugs off his coat. "Cover yourself," was all Steve could say as he handed the coat to the man. God, Steve needed to know this man's name. The coat was too small for the man to wear, so he just let it drape over his shoulder, covering his bleeding arm the best he could. Steve walked him to his apartment building. He was thankful no one was around. He would not be able to explain away bringing a bleeding man into his apartment. When they entered his place, the man rushed in, finding the bathroom with no issue. He doesn't close the door behind him as he started taking off his shirt. 

Steve locked the front door quickly and slowly approached the bathroom, only standing at the doorway. He watched as the man struggled to stop the bleeding. He went through Steve's coverts and grunted in frustration. After a few moments of the older man practically dripping blood over the sink, Steve decided he's better off helping the guy then just watching him. Even if the man didn't ask for help. Steve rushed to his dresser and grabbed one of his t-shirts and his first aid box. Steve gets a lot of injuries, so it was only logical for him to get one. He comes back to the man, who is now bleeding all over his floor. He is leaned against the sink, and panics finally sets in for Steve. "Get in the tub," Steve stated. The man looks over at Steve and just makes his way into the tub. Steve's face reddens at how compliant the man is as he looks to Steve for direction. "Sit down, ok. Give me that," Steve gestures at the soaked shirt the man was still gripping onto. He hands it to Steve and watches as Steve throws it in the waste bin. He then puts the first aid on the edge of the sink. He climbs into the bathtub and kneels between the man's thighs, who was laying his back against the tub. His long legs surrounding Steve, applying pressure on the man's arm, asking him to raise it. 

Steve didn't realize there was blood all over his hallway and bathroom floor. He didn't even realize that he was slightly soaked by the man's blood. He just waited for the bleeding to slow down, the man never breaking eye contact with Steve. He would occasionally brush his other hand against Steve's arm, causing Steve's face to heat up. The air was thick between the two men. Sweat was sliding down the man's temple while Steve leaned closer to hold his arm in place. The man didn't look like he was in pain. If anything, he looked like the bleeding was just a minor inconvenience to him. "Why didn't you just go to the hospital?" Steve finally said, breaking the drawn-out silence. The man just tilted his head, studying Steve's face. 

"They ask too many questions."

Steve took note of that. Ok, maybe Steve shouldn't press the man further. Steve just applied more pressure. After a few minutes go by, the bleeding does eventually stop. The t-shirt he was using to stop the bleeding was now soaked in blood. Steve tells the man to stay put and gets out of the tub. Steve didn't know what he was doing, but he was hoping that as long as he could just get this man cleaned up, then he was going to be fine. Steve tosses the shirt into the trash. He looks over at the man again, this time with a flustered look on his face. "You have- blood…. everywhere. I think you need to rinse off before I get you- get you bandaged up," Steve stammered. Steve knew this wasn't good for his heart. 

"Ok."

This man really was just letting Steve do as he pleased. Steve asks him to take off his pants, his words coming out shaky, but the man complies. He handed his pants to Steve and was left with his boxer that was also stained. Blood could be found on the edge of his waistband. Steve tells him to take a quick shower while he cleans a little since now his floor was filled with blood. The man nods as Steve closes the curtains, grabbing the trash bag from the waste bin. Steve puts the man's pants under his arm and rushes to the kitchen. He tied up the trash bag that was made up of the man's bloody clothes and tissues and shoved it in a black bag. He leaves that bag open as he quickly wipes off the blood that trailed into the bathroom. 

The door was still open, he can hear the water running and the man groaning. Steve rushed the cleaning process; he was just trying to avoid anyone slipping on blood. He even threw out his coat, he could wash it, but he can also avoid getting looks at the laundry matt that was below his apartment building. Once Steve could get rid of any traces of blood, he dumped everything in the black trash bag and tied it up. He put the only surviving piece of clothing that belonged to the man in a plastic bag and placed it on the kitchen counter. He made a mental note to himself that he'd take care of it in the morning and left it beside the door. Steve returned to the bathroom with a towel, the curtains were suddenly opened, and Steve saw- well, everything. It appeared that the man had also taken off his boxers while Steve was cleaning. 

"Uh, I- I- here," Steve practically shoved the towel onto the man whose face hadn't moved an inch. The man simply wrapped the towel around his waist and looked at Steve, like he was waiting for Steve to lead the way. Steve gently takes the man's arm and directs him to the toilet seat, telling him to sit as he opens the first aid box and gathers what he needs. "Can I… I ask you something?" Steve said, he washed his hands before grabbing the man's arm, Steve padding his wet-arm with the smaller towels.

"Yes."

Steve says nothing for a while before opening his mouth, "what do I call you? What's your name?" Steve said, there was no confidence in his voice. "It's James, but don't call me that, please," he said with hesitation. Steve furrowed his eyebrows at that. "What do you want me to call you?" Steve then asks as he wrapped the sterile bandage around the man's arm. Steve knew it would be better to seek medical help, but the man didn't want to go back. It seemed like the man didn't mind Steve's failing attempt at bandaging him up. "No one calls me this anymore. I like it better though," there was a pause like a man was trying muster up the energy to tell Steve his name. "Bucky." Steve's cheeks heat up, and he looks away from Bucky's stare. He was still staring; Bucky was still staring like Steve's face was the most interesting thing in the room. "Ok. Bucky," Steve attempts a smile, but it came out more like a nervous grin. Bucky closed his eyes and sighs before he said: "What's your name?" Bucky asked, reaching to touch Steve's arm. Steve wanted to stop getting too flustered around Bucky, but it seemed like everything this man did had an effect on Steve.

"Steve- does your arm hurt?" Steve muttered, Bucky's hand still on Steve's arm. He was done bandaging up Bucky's arm, and he couldn't stop staring at Bucky. There was water dripping from his hair and cheek. He had scars that were scattered all over his body. The knife mark that Bucky told him about a few weeks ago was visible on his stomach. "I'll be fine, Steve," Bucky said, and Steve choked a little before moving away from Bucky's touch. He closes the first aid, turning his body, so his back was facing Bucky. He knew Bucky was still looking at him. "I'm sorry… I threw away your clothes but- but I can give you something to wear," Steve turned his head, and Bucky nodded slowly. Steve walks out of the bathroom and hears that Bucky was behind him. Steve doesn't say anything. He just leads Bucky to his bedroom, which was in the same room as the kitchen and living room. He lived in a one-room apartment, the kitchen being on the left side of the place once you came in. There were drawings plastered all over his wall, his floor was stained with paint he didn't get the chance to wash off before it was permanently stained. The shades were drawn. Steve's bed was against the wall, covered with several blankets and pillows stacked on top of one another. It seemed like Bucky was examining everything in Steve's room. He walks over to Steve's small wooden desk while Steve looked for clothes that would fit on Bucky. 

Steve managed to find sweatpants that never fit on him and a shirt that he got at a concert many years ago. He turns back to Bucky, who was smiling… smiling at Steve's drawings. Steve slowly approached Bucky, clothes in hand, as he tried to figure out which drawing Bucky was smiling at. His eyes land at another self-portrait he did with pastel, and there go Steve's cheeks again. "Here you go. I hope these are ok," Steve said, causing Bucky to look back at him. He was still smiling. It was soft and made the corner of his eyes to wrinkle. "I like this one a lot better," he said, taking the clothes from Steve. Steve fidgets with his hands looking back at the drawing and then looking back at Bucky. "It looks more like you," he then continued before his eyes widen slightly it relaxes again. Still, Steve can see the slight panic in his eyes that Bucky was trying to mask.

"My wallet," Bucky muttered. "Oh! It's in the kitchen. I'll grab it for you. Just get dressed," Steve reassures Bucky. He darts out of the bedroom and goes to the kitchen. He opens the plastic bag and fishes out Bucky's wallet. Luckily it wasn't ruined by the blood, but Steve waits a few seconds before he turns back around, trying to give Bucky a little privacy to change. Even if that was impossible in a one-room apartment. When he turned, he was found that Bucky was fully dressed. The towel was now lying on Steve's chair. 

"Here you go," Steve said, handing the wallet to Bucky, who quickly opened it. He took out a piece of wrinkled-up paper that was folded and opened it, revealing it was the drawing Steve did back in the hospital. Steve gaped at the sight of Bucky, who let out a sigh of relief at the drawing before looking back at Steve. "Do you want it back?" he asked, almost innocently. Now, Steve knew before letting this man enter his home that he wasn't exactly conventional with how he acted. So, Steve wasn't exactly shocked that this man took Steve's drawing. He was just shocked that Bucky still had it in his wallet and was worried about it. In another life, Steve would be creeped out. Instead, Steve shyly looked down at his feet, rubbing the back of his neck.

"You can keep it- you kept it?" Steve said in disbelief. What did this man want from him? What did Steve want from Bucky? Steve wasn't sure what to say or do. This man was set. He was cleaned up and had a fresh pair of clothes. He could leave if he pleased. However, the way Bucky was looking at Steve, it looked like he was waiting for Steve to decide his next move. Steve can ask him to leave. That would be the safest thing to do. Instead of Steve throwing Bucky out, he said this instead: "Are you hungry?" 

"Please."

That wasn't what Steve expected to hear, but he took it as a yes. He tells Bucky to get comfortable that he was going to order some pizza and rushed to the bathroom. Steve needed to breathe, and it was the only place Steve could have some privacy. He called the pizza place. One plan pie was all he really could afford. After the call, he cleaned up a little more and made sure this time there was no trace of blood on his floors. Steve looked down at himself and completely forgot that he was stained with Bucky's blood. He wouldn't believe he was so occupied with making Bucky comfortable that he disregarded how he looked. He went back out to find Bucky was lying horizontally on the bed. His facial expression was back to being blank, but his body looked a lot more relaxed, or how relaxed one can get on an old, worn-out queen-sized mattress that had no frame. 

"I'm going to take a shower before the food comes… you can watch something if you want," Steve then walks towards the small TV that was across from his mattress, resting on his dresser. He turns it on and then hands Bucky the remote, now prompting up on the bed. His fingers brushed against Steve's hand; Bucky bites his bottom lip as Steve backs up a little. Steve goes back to his dresser and grabs something to wear. He looks back at Bucky. He was ignoring whatever was playing on the TV and kept his attention on Steve. "I'll be back," Steve mumbled. He leaves his room and goes straight to the bathroom, locking the door behind him. Steve showered, got dressed, and tossed his shirt in the waste-bin. His pants were saved, being tossed in the basket that was filled with his dirty clothes. He went back to the room with some hesitation like he didn't want to disturb Bucky. Bucky was sitting in the middle of the bed, legs crossed and watching a show Steve wasn't familiar with. But once Steve entered his room, Bucky's attention shifted from the tv to him. 

"The food should be here soon," Steve croaked. He runs his fingers through his hair in an attempt to make it look presentable. He was wearing a black henley shirt and plaid PJ bottoms. It seemed to grab Bucky's eye because he couldn't stop staring at his outfit. Steve himself was trying his best to not stare at the sweatpants Bucky was wearing. It may have been too big on Steve, but that didn't mean it fit well on Bucky. Steve could see it. He saw it out in the open just earlier, but something about it being it being visible through his pant- 

"I want to pay for it," Bucky finally said. Steve snapped out of his thoughts and meets Bucky's eyes. "What?" Steve said he was still standing a few feet away from Bucky, unsure where to sit. "I have money. Let me pay," Bucky said. Steve was going to argue, but he heard the doorbell go off before he can say anything. Bucky grabbed his wallet and quickly handed Steve two twenties. Steve took it without question, he paid the driver and went back to his room. He placed the box on the ground and took out the paper plates that came with the pizza. Steve sat on the edge of the mattress, away from Bucky. He opens the pizza box, and the two men grab a slice, using the napkins from the bag. It was silent for a while, Steve trying to watch whatever Bucky put on, but it seemed like Bucky preferred to look at Steve's back. 

Three slices in and the two men were now sitting beside each other. Their shoulders and legs touching, Steve looking straight forward, but Bucky was far distracted to watch whatever god-awful show was playing. Steve had one of the blankets draped over his shoulder, trying his best not to just stare at Bucky. It was hard, though, especially when Steve knew if he turned to face Bucky, he'd meet his piercing eyes. "Thank you, Steve," was the first thing Bucky had said since he gave Steve money for the pizza. Steve turned slightly to look at Bucky. His eyes were always something Steve couldn't get over. They looked like crystals to Steve. "Don't worry about it, you just kind of- freaked me out back there," Steve admits, when he felt Bucky's cold hand over his mouth, he thought he was done for. Bucky frowns, his eyes filled with regret. 

"I'm sorry."

Steve gapes at the shift of emotions that were being expressed in Bucky. It was oddly heartwarming to see, to hear emotions coming from Bucky. It made Steve feel somewhat lightheaded. "It's fine. Are you going to be ok, though? You never told me who- or what happened. You don't have to. I just wanna know you won't go out and deal with it again," Steve managed to say without his voice cracking. Bucky sighed, leaning closer to Steve's side. "You don't need to worry about me," Bucky turns off the tv like it was getting in the way of their conversation. "I know, but it's hard when you were bleeding all over my bathroom," Steve said. He can suddenly hear it pouring outside. The two of them stare for a moment without saying anything. Steve was aware of how they were acting but tried to ignore the things going through his head.

"Your arm is ok now," Bucky said, ignoring Steve's concern, and grabbed his left arm. He traced his finger down Steve's pale forearm, which sent shivers down Steve's back. His grip was firm. He feels how warm Bucky was, making it hard for Steve to form words. "I just got my cast off today," Steve breathed. His body wasn't reacting well to Bucky's touch. He hadn't exactly been very active in the dating scene. He was either self-sabotaging his dates or didn't attract people. Steve wasn't a prude or anything, but he just struggled with getting close to others. With the nurses at the hospital, it was easy. Steve was content with holding conversations with them when he was there. He didn't have to open up all the way. They just needed to know surface-level information about him, and that was fine with Steve. He just wanted to stay safe, but Bucky wasn't exactly safe. He was disturbing the peace, the routine Steve had, and it didn't bother Steve at that moment. All he could think about is that Bucky was touching his arm and made him feel good. 

"I was kind of upset when you left. The day at the hospital." Steve blurted, blinking rapidly when he realized what he just said. It seemed to catch Bucky off guard a little, but it didn't mean he pulled away from Steve's arm. Instead, Bucky placed Steve's arm on his lap and was rubbing his forearm. Steve did not question it, just flushed as his hand would accidentally brush against Bucky's crotch when he tried to move his hand away. "I didn't want to leave. But I had to," Bucky explained. He looks over at Steve and before looking down at Steve's skinny arm. "I didn't think I'd see you again… I tried asking one of the nurses about your name," Steve admitted. He was a little embarrassed by the statement, but it didn't seem to bother Bucky. "How did you get in my car?" Steve found himself asking. Bucky pauses for a moment before he squeezed Steve's arm, causing Steve's breath to hitch.

"This isn't my first time getting in someone's car."

Steve wasn't sure what that meant, so he asked the following question: "How did you know that was my car then?" he tried his best to sound calm. He didn't want to irritate Bucky. Especially since he had his arm and could easily break it if he pleased. Yet, Steve didn't feel an immediate danger from Bucky; instead, he felt like he could relax a little. He was only on edge because Steve was touched starved, and Bucky was too comfortable around Steve. "I saw you get out of your car when I was coming in for my arm. I like it there, but they sometimes ask too many questions…. They're sloppy. That's why I was able to sneak out before they could treat me," this was the most Bucky had said in a sentence, his voice was still slightly dull, but he was trying to come off a little expressive. Steve nodded. He found himself moving his hand to touch Bucky's arm. "That's why they were panicking…" Steve trailed off, thinking back at the fact that nurses were racing down the hall. "You… you do that a lot? You just sneak away?" Steve asked in a sympathetic tone. Bucky looked up and nodded.

"I shouldn't have come."

"Why is that?" Steve could see that Bucky didn't want to have this conversation, so he dropped it. He decided a change of mood would help. "You can stay the night… if you want. I can sleep on the couch," Steve didn't mean to push the conversation in that direction. Still, he saw the way Bucky looked at him shyly before dropping that facial expression completely. "Are you sure you want to let me stay here?" it sounded like a warning, but Steve seemed set on letting Bucky sleepover. "Whatever makes you comfortable… do you have somewhere to be?" Steve wanted to scream at himself. He was no longer thinking of his safety. He hadn't been thinking at all since the car ride home. This man was clearly dangerous. He managed to get in Steve's car, was bleeding, and knew where he lived now.

"Yes."

"Oh, o- "Steve gets cut off by Bucky, who shakes his head, "I'd be better off not going- but I don't want to bother you any more than I have." Bucky doesn't move, though, his hands still gently touching Steve's arm. Steve couldn't tell if Bucky was upset, scared, or worried. Why is he better off away from- well, whatever place he belongs to? Steve just kept in mind that Bucky didn't like questions and that if he wanted to tell Steve, he would. "Like I said… you can stay the night. I don't mind really," Steve finally moves his hand away from Bucky's touch, and oddly enough, that makes Bucky frown a little before his face went blank. "You can rest here. I can just go sleep in the-" Bucky places his hand on Steve's shoulder, and it made Steve's back shiver. 

"I can take the couch."

"It's fine. You need the rest. The couch wouldn't do your arm justice. It's pretty small," Steve said, trying to convince Bucky, who seemed uninterested in Steve's argument. The couch, if you can call it that, wasn't exactly comfortable to sit on. His bedroom was the living room. The couch was only a few feet away from the bed. It came with the apartment, it's old, and honestly, Steve never sat on it. Maybe a few times when he needed to put on his shoes, but the idea of laying on it didn't seem like something Steve wanted to do, but it was his only option. Steve wasn't about to share the bed with a com- "the bed is big enough for two," Bucky then said, and it almost took the wind out of Steve. "You mean like sharing?" Steve asked as if he couldn't grasp what Bucky was saying.

"Yes. If you want me to leave. I will."

Steve wasn't sure why the idea of sharing a bed with Bucky was making him feel tense, he can feel his hand getting sweaty, and he can also still feel Bucky's hand on his back. Steve had no idea how to ever explain his actions if someone ever found out he had Bucky over. "Ok, we can share the bed." With that being said, Bucky helped Steve put the rest of the food in the fridge and even took out the garbage. Steve tried telling him he could throw it out tomorrow, but Bucky left the apartment before he could hear Steve argue with him. For a moment, Steve thought that Bucky wasn't going to return, he tried to ignore the feeling of relief when Bucky came back. 

When it was time for bed, Bucky was the one to lay down first, taking the left side, which was against the wall. Steve turned off the lights, and the room was suddenly dark. The rain could still be heard from outside, the shades doing a horrible job at blocking the moonlight that was seeping through the room. Bucky was watching Steve closely as the young man slowly got on top of the bed. Steve laid down at a leisurely pace, worried that once he had his back against the bed, Bucky would jump on him or something. Bucky shifted his body, so he was lying on his right side, getting a better view of Steve, who laid on his back.

"Bucky…" Steve trailed off; he kept his gaze at the ceiling. They weren't even touching, and yet Steve felt the overwhelming feeling of warmth and protection. "Yes." Steve's throat clicks as he swallows, tilting his head a little to get a look at Bucky. He couldn't help but stare, Bucky was scary, but he was also handsome that it made Steve want to draw him. He wanted to draw Bucky's cliff chin, his nicely-shaped lips, and the space between his eyebrows. Steve would draw something for Bucky if he asked. "Will I see you again?" Steve asked. It may have been naïve on Steve's part for asking, but it didn't hurt to try. He wanted to reach for Bucky but decided against it. Steve just turned to his side, so now both men were staring at each other. Bucky lets out a sigh and grips at one of the blankets that are covering his body. He doesn't respond, and Steve doesn't say anything else. They just stare at one another until Steve feels his eyes getting heavier and heavier. Before he falls asleep, he could feel Bucky's fingers run through his hair, and all Steve wanted was for Bucky to move closer. 

Steve wakes up to an empty bed, and he is left with his thoughts. Steve can only think about Bucky.


	3. As Long As I can Hold My Breath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky visits again and gets overprotective.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos! Keeps me motivated! I hope you guys enjoy this chapter.

♡

  
It was December, and Steve was miserable. Every year he was reminded why he hated working at Kmart during the holiday season. Customers were cruel and entitled, the company was cutting hours when they needed them the most, and the god-awful Christmas music that made Steve wish one of the aisles could just fall on top of him. Steve never understood why retail workers always looked even more miserable during this time of year when he was younger, but now, he fully understood why. This is worse than hell. He hated that he had to wear a dumb Santa hat because corporate thought it would be a great idea! He hated the laughs he got from customers who passed him by. He’d hear them say something along the lines of “should be wearing elf hat,” and Steve tried his best to ignore them. 

His shifts went by slowly, even with the number of people coming in and out. The only thing that kept him from losing it was thinking about Bucky. He knew it was kind of pathetic, but it helped him cope with everything around him. He hadn’t seen Bucky in weeks, and Steve was starting to believe that he was never going to see him again. Why would he? He just needed Steve's help for the night. They weren't close friends. Steve couldn't expect Bucky to come back. He never told Peggy about the night Bucky stayed over, and she never asked him about Bucky. Steve decided that this was going to be a secret, no one needed to know who Bucky was even if Steve didn’t know who he was himself. It didn't stop Steve from attempting to draw Bucky a few times. However, there was something off. It was a challenge for Steve to draw off memory. Especially when you hadn’t seen the guy in weeks. Steve found himself practically daydreaming about Bucky. His mind wandering as he drew Bucky in different settings.

There were some drawings where it was just of Bucky's face. There were others where he was in a field or looking off to the side. Steve tried not projecting his own assumptions onto Bucky. He was an enigma to Steve, and maybe it's better for it stays that way. Steve shouldn't get mixed up with someone like Bucky. Just based on those scares, Steve could assume Bucky was someone who got involved in conflict. But- it's not right to assume things, Bucky. Even if it's a way for Steve to cope, to cope with the fact that he was never going to see Bucky again. 

However, Steve does sees Bucky again. On a Friday night. It was seven, and Steve had been hiding under the covers with the TV playing in the background. It was snowing, but the dirty streets had made the snow look brown and gummy. Steve was flipping through the channels, trying to avoid any kind of Christmas special, but it seemed like he couldn’t escape it. Every channel was either playing a Christmas related cartoon or Home Alone. Steve would occasionally doze off, leaving bed marks across his cheek and neck. The TV would wake him up, and he'd groan at the TV. He wanted it to be January already. He just wanted the holidays to be over. He wanted all the decorations at the store to be gone, and he wanted the radio to stop blasting the same three songs. Steve goes back to flipping through the channels and settles for Murder She Wrote. He doesn’t pay attention to the episode, something about a dog pressing killing a woman- Steve didn't care. He just needed background noise. Steve pressed his face against his pillow, inhaling. Steve missed the scent that Bucky left on his bed. It was one of the few things that he had left from Bucky. The blood that was stained in his car was gone; it took him a while to get it cleaned, but he got it out. Steve was hoping Bucky was doing well, that he wasn’t somewhere bleeding out. Steve wondered if Bucky even remembered his name if he remembered the night he took him in. 

Steve was about to drift off to sleep again when he heard the doorbell go off. He froze, not registering what he heard. The doorbell went off again. This time Steve removes the blanket he is wrapped into and crawls off the mattress, turning off the TV. He slowly walks to the front door. Who could it be? No one ever visited Steve. Unless it was Peggy? But Peggy hasn’t been to Steve’s place in months. She always called him before coming by? Maybe it’s his neighbor? He hasn’t exactly spoken to-. Another ring goes off, and Steve checks the peephole, and his chest tightens at sight he is seeing. It’s Bucky. It’s Bucky standing at his door. Steve opens the door quickly in fear that Bucky would change his mind and leave. He is met with a small box being held out to him, Bucky blinking frantically at Steve.

“Can I come in?”

Steve turns red, nodding as he let Bucky in, hands him the box before walking in. Steve locks the door behind him and grips onto the purple squared box. He looks over at Bucky. He is now standing a few inches away from Steve with a fond look on his face. “Hi,” Steve croaked. He presses the box close to his chest like it was the most delicate thing to Steve. “Hi…” Bucky trailed off, his eyes go to the box and then to Steve. “That’s for you,” he said as if it wasn't obvious. Steve gives him a half-smile. “Thank you,” Steve stutters. He sets the box at his desk and hears movement behind him. He turns his head to find Bucky standing a few inches away from him. He then feels Bucky stepping closer that Steve can feel his breath hitting his neck. Bucky's chest lightly touching Steve's back, his hair brushing against Steve's ear. A shiver was sent down Steve's back as the two men stand close to one another, Steve not daring to move. 

“How have you been, Bucky?” Steve tried his best to distract himself from the feeling he was getting in his chest. He can feel it tighten as Bucky leaned a little to look over Steve’s shoulder. Bucky keeps his eyes trained on the drawings that are on Steve’s desk, “my arm hasn’t been giving me issues. I’m trying to avoid further injuries,” Bucky said, sounding almost robotic and artificial. He keeps his eyes on the drawings. Steve looks over at his desk and realizes the drawing of Bucky was still on his desk. His eyes widen in embarrassment, and he attempts to hide it under one of his notebooks. Still, Bucky moves swiftly, grabbing the drawing with just one hand while the other grips onto Steve’s arm.

“Is that me?”

Steve looks away from Bucky’s stare. He leans against his desk and tries to think of what to say. He can hear Bucky sighing behind him, still awfully close to Steve as he let go of Steve’s arm. Steve hears how Bucky’s breathing changes, and it makes him turn a little and sees Bucky- fighting back a smile. His lips twitching, his eyes blinking rapidly, and he just stares at the drawing with what Steve could describe as amusement. “Yes. I know it looks off- I’m better with a reference,” Steve said in a defensive tone, worried he might have offended Bucky with his inaccuracy. He watches if Bucky’s expression changes at all, but he is still fighting back the emotions trying to surface on his face. “You were fun to draw. I haven’t had much inspiration in a while but drawing you made it easier,” Steve explained. He desperately wanted to get the drawing down right. He wanted something that he can look at. He didn’t want to forget Bucky’s face just in case Steve never sees him again. But Bucky was here. He wasn’t here because he was injured. Steve wasn’t sure why he was here, but he was, and that’s all Steve cared. He knew it was sad to be excited that a strange person like Bucky had decided to come back. Steve wants to believe it’s due to his boredom, loneliness, or maybe both.

“Can I keep it?”

Bucky was now looking at Steve. His eyes still had that wideness to them. Bucky looked nice. He looked well put together. He had a black sweater with a white-collar under his long trench coat and brown corduroy pants. It almost made Steve wonder what Bucky did. Did he come from money? What kind of job does he have? Does he have a family? A girlfriend- “Yeah, it’s all yours,” Steve gives him a reassuring smile and watches as Bucky gives the drawing one more look before folding it and placing it in his coat pocket. “Steve… is it ok if I stay?” he sounded unsure of his own question as if he were confused in why he was asking, but he didn’t retract. He simply waited for Steve’s response. Steve inhaled; the question was unexpected, but everything about Bucky was unexpected. “Yes. Stay- I mean. Yes, you can stay,” Steve wanted to hit himself upside the head. He sounded so desperate, so needy. He needed to calm down. He didn’t want to scare Bucky away.

They stood there for a moment, silence taking over the room. Steve thinks quickly for a moment about what to say. He had so much to ask but knew Bucky would probably never answer any of his questions. So, instead, he asks Bucky if he just wanted to watch TV with him. Bucky just nods. He takes off his shoes, placing them neatly by the door and draping his coat over Steve’s chair before going straight to Steve’s bed. He took the left side once again, this time propping the pillow against the wall, so he was sitting up a little. Steve turns on the TV and grabs the remote, sitting the same way as Bucky. They were a few inches apart, and all Steve wanted was to have an excuse to be near. He knew he shouldn’t think that way, but all he can focus on is the distance between them. As Steve flips the channels, he groans to himself when he sees any Christmas specials appearing on his screen. This grabs Bucky’s attention. It wasn’t like he was looking at the TV, to begin with.

“You don’t like Christmas?”

Steve stops his thumb from flipping the next channel and looks over at Bucky. “I guess,” was all Steve could say. He doesn’t look back at the TV, letting an infomercial play softly in the background. “Why?” Bucky asks, his eyebrow raised slightly, and his body sinks a little more into the bed. Steve bites his bottom lip, playing with the buttons on the remote. He debated for a moment on if he should answer Bucky. “I don’t… I used to love it, but... but,” Steve’s throat becomes dry, he coughs, and it causes Bucky to get tense. Steve takes a deep breath and thinks his coughing fit is over, but it starts back up again. He covers his mouth with his arm, leaning forward, and coughs into it. Bucky slowly sits up, causing Steve to wave his hands, “it's fine,” he mutters, but Bucky is already getting up and going to the fridge. He grabs a water bottle, and he's next to Steve in seconds, handing the bottle to a still coughing Steve. “I’m fine, I don’t need-“Steve tries to argue but gets cut off by his own coughing. Bucky is still holding the bottle. He sits next to Steve and tries to make him take the bottle. Steve feels himself relaxing into Bucky’s side and takes the water. As he drinks the water, Bucky leans his head against the wall. He watches Steve attentively before he finally says something. “You ok now?” Steve just nodes as he continues to drink the bottle, his cheeks flushed as Bucky eyed him with a blank expression. It’s silent again for a brief moment before Bucky spoke again.

“I never liked Christmas.”

That grabs Steve’s attention. He finishes the bottle and sets it to the side. He can sense a stiffness in Bucky’s words, his eyes not giving away his emotion. “It’s all business,” Bucky continued, his focus shifting on to Steve’s arm. “Business? Like…” Steve asked in confusion, Bucky looks back at Steve, and for a moment, there was hesitation. It was like Bucky wanted to tell him something, Steve could see it, and he was learning to find subtly in Bucky’s expressions. He may be looking too much into it. Maybe he just wanted to think he saw something. That there was a vulnerability to Bucky, but maybe Steve has only read too many mystery romance novels that were in his break room back at work. “I just work more,” was all Bucky said, and Steve sighed. He should have known Bucky wasn’t going to open up to him, but Steve felt like Bucky wanted to.

“I never really had much during the holidays- but I think I just really liked the small things I did when I was younger,” Steve admits. He smiles to himself as he remembered the made-up traditions he and his mother did during Christmas. The way his mother would make small goodie bags for Steve in the morning, she would set it by his bed and press a small kiss on his cheek. They had some years where they could afford getting supplies to make a cake, having a little game they played where they’d make their own cake and see who made the best one. Steve used to love baking, especially with his mother. Nowadays, Steve can barely handle the smell of cookies or brownies without dissociating. It always put him in a trance. They were good memories, but the idea that Steve will never be able to have those moments again made his whole body tremble. He used to love the way his mother would decorate his room with cut out pictures of Christmas magazines she’d find at work at the hospital. They couldn’t afford real decorations, so his mother had to get creative. He missed being curled up by the TV with his mother as they watched Steve’s favorite cartoons. She’d sometimes read to him, and when it snowed, they’d go out and play. They never went above and beyond with the food and gifts. Steve would usually draw something for his mother while she would gift him new art supplies or clothes. As Steve got older, though, Christmas began losing its spark as his mother got sick.

“What did you do?”

Steve let out a sigh, revisiting the memories he tried to store away. It’s easy that way to deny himself these memories. “Uh um- well, I used to watch a lot of Sesame Street as a kid. I still kind of liked the seventy-eight movie- even though I was eleven at that point. Oh! And um, sometimes my ma and I would go down to the neighbor’s house, and they’d have this little play. I always liked the cardboard stage the kids made. I know most people get excited about the gifts, and sometimes I did wish we had the money to get the stuff that interested me at that age, but… I just kind of miss ma’s company,” Steve awkwardly looks down at his hands. He hadn’t expected to talk to Bucky about his nostalgia. Steve slowly felt himself retreat back to his silence, feeling embarrassed by how easy it was for him to get personal with Bucky. 

“That sounds nice… what changed?”

Bucky sounded sincere, furrowing his eyebrows, seemingly interested in what Steve had to say. It made Steve less self-conscious, so he decided to not fully close himself off. “I lost ma a week before Christmas. I was about nineteen… it doesn’t…” Steve pauses for a moment, he can feel himself choking up, but he refused to get emotional. He didn’t need Bucky’s pity if the man had the ability to feel sympathy. “It doesn’t feel good celebrating on my own. It seems pointless,” Steve huffed in frustration, his voice coming out shaky. He'd find himself becoming overwhelmed by his own words, unable to breathe. He tries to move away from Bucky. He wanted to avoid feeling like an idiot. He didn’t want to get vulnerable, not in front of Bucky. Even if a part of Steve wanted to be able to just talk to Bucky about the little things. The things that kept him up at night. The ideas that he wished he had someone relay to. But then he’d get an overwhelming feeling of defeat, that he really had nothing interesting to say, and he might as well keep it to himself. Bucky was too new to him. It was too soon for Steve to get personal with him. Yet, here was Steve, talking to Bucky about his mother.

  
Bucky grabs his arm gently before Steve could move off from the bed. Bucky pulls Steve to his side and wraps one arm around Steve’s shoulder. Steve squeezes his eyes shut, attempting to stop himself from crying because he didn’t need the emotional labor. He was an adult. He didn’t need to think about the past. He didn’t need to remind himself of all his shortcomings. Steve could feel Bucky’s fingers run through his hair, touching his ear softly before moving his hand to his cheeks. They were wet. He leans into the touch as Bucky uses his thumb to wipe away the tears that were streaming down his cheek. Bucky used his arm resting on Steve’s shoulder and pushed him closer to his side so that Steve’s head was lightly resting on his shoulder. “I’m sorry,” Steve whispered, his voice was apologetic, and it makes Bucky hold him closer. He brings his other arm and wraps it around Steve, so he is now trapped between Bucky’s arm. Bucky says nothing. He just holds Steve tightly and waits for him to relax. He eventually does, his hands no longer trembling, and is now gripping onto Bucky’s sweater. “You smell nice,” Steve mumbled into Bucky’s chest without thinking. His eyes remained closed, too afraid to look at Bucky. He could hear him let out a breath, which could be a chuckle, but Steve isn’t too confident on that assumption. Bucky continues to play with Steve’s hair, combing it through his fingers.

“I was supposed to go to a business party tonight.”

Steve opens his eyes a little, peaking through Bucky’s chest. He was really being held by Bucky. Steve ignores the one part of his brain that’s telling him he’s being weird and listens to Bucky’s heartbeat. It’s steady. “I‘ll get in trouble. I know I will.” There was no fear in his tone. He sounded vacant, and it kind of scared Steve how emotionless Bucky gets. Steve wanted to say something but was scared it would cause Bucky to stop talking, so he stayed silent. “There’s a lot of them. Since it’s the holidays. He hates it when I try avoiding them. Tells me I need to be there.” Bucky’s words were hollow, vague, and all Steve could do was wait for Bucky to get into details. But the more he talked, the more Steve was left with more questions. “I don’t hate Christmas. I just hate how we celebrate them. If I had it my way. I’d…” Bucky pauses to think. Steve waits patiently as he appreciates Bucky’s warmth. He knew once Bucky left that he was going to miss it. He needed to take advantage of what he had right now.

“I don’t know what I’d do, actually.”

Steve nuzzles into Bucky without realizing, which grabs the older man's attention, “what did you do as a kid?” Steve found himself asking. He automatically worries that this question would cause Bucky to completely shut off, but he doesn’t. “He would take me to business parties.” Steve frowns and moves away a little, so he could look at Bucky, “even as a kid?” Steve furrowed his eyebrows. Bucky nodded, unfazed by Steve’s reaction. What business was Bucky involved in? Who is he that Bucky keeps referring to? Nothing about Bucky made sense to Steve, and at times he wondered if Bucky was messing with him, but when he looks at Bucky. When he sees and hears how he acts, Steve realizes that this was just how Bucky worked. There was a pause before Bucky’s eyes soften a little. “I think I know what I would do instead now,” he said, looking at Steve. He slowly moves his hand away from Steve’s hair and trails it down his back. “I would just stay inside. I’d sleep in.” Bucky closed his eyes. The TV still softly played an episode of I Love Lucy that neither man was paying attention to.

“And you can’t now?” Steve asked. He could feel the way Bucky was rubbing his back, and he didn’t want to admit how nice it felt. How nice it was to hear Bucky talking to him, even if it made no sense to Steve. Sometimes it was hard to follow what Bucky was saying, but Steve tried his best to listen to everything he had to say. “I have a job to do. I don’t get personal days.” Bucky didn’t sound mad... He just seemed neutral. Steve pulls away from Bucky’s grip causing Bucky’s eyes to flutter open, “but you came here,” Steve simply stated. Bucky nods. He moves his hands as if to pull Steve back into his arms. Steve finds himself once again resting on Bucky’s shoulder, his face close to his neck. “Yes. I wanted to thank you,” Bucky confesses, his hand was now back on Steve’s soft hair. “I didn’t think you’d come back,” Steve said, frowning at the thought of never seeing Bucky again. Steve was well aware of his thoughts but chose to ignore them for the moment.

“I… I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to see you again.”

Before Steve could respond back, the doorbell rings, and Bucky’s grip on Steve tightens. Steve gives Bucky a reassuring look and pulls away from Bucky’s touch. He glances over at Bucky and sees that he is getting up to follow. “Just stay there,” Steve says in a low voice and turns to the door. He looks through the peephole and sees his neighbor, Bruce. Steve opens the door once Bucky quickly hides behind the front door, listening intently as Bruce takes a little step into Steve’s doorway. Steve could see his cautious expression from where he was standing, Bruce being utterly oblivious of Bucky’s presence. “Hey Steve, I’m sorry to bother you, man. I just needed to know if you had any extra double-A batteries?” Bruce said with an apologetic tone, his back was hunched as he squinted at Steve.

  
Steve looks up, thinking if he even had batteries, to begin with, and could see Bucky from the corner of his eyes. Steve tried his best to not look at Bucky as he turned back to Bruce, “I might have three? Is that ok?” Steve asked, and Bruce nods, thanking Steve, who walks to his drawer and manages to find them. Steve felt the hair’s on his back stand as he turns to Bruce and hands him the dusty batteries he hadn’t touched in months. He lets out a nervous chuckle as he patted his hands against his thighs. “Thanks, Steve…” Bruce trailed off, spotting a pair of bluchers -which was way too big to be Steve’s- and it causes Bruce to raises a brow at Steve.

“Didn’t think you’d own something like that,” Bruce said. Steve’s eyes widen. His eyes landing back at Bucky, who was studying the situation carefully, his face getting serious. “I… it’s a Christmas gift,” Steve suddenly found himself saying. He can see Bucky attempting to move closer, but Steve gives him a warning look. This just grabs Bruce’s attention more. He looks over to the left, trying to step into the apartment a little more. “Is… is someone over because I can leave. I didn’t mean to intrude,” Bruce then takes a step back, still clueless that Bucky was standing right behind the door. “Really… it’s nothing Bruce,” Steve tried to explain, but Bruce was already telling Steve to have a goodnight and walks down the hall, not looking back. Steve isn’t close to Bruce, but he was a nice man, quiet. He kept to himself. Steve thinks that sometimes when Bruce needed a little bit of human interaction, he came by Steve’s to borrow little things like salt or milk. He was quite fragile. He’s a man of isolation, and Steve always made sure to never come off too strong.

However, the way Bucky was staring through the crack between the door put Steve on edge. Bucky looked at Bruce as if he was a threat. Anytime Bruce stepped a little closer, Bucky looked like he was ready to jump at any given moment. So, when Steve did finally close the door, Bucky rushed to Steve and examined him. “What was that all about?” Steve asked. He watched as Bucky patted his shoulder and arm before bringing his arms to his side. “I had to be sure,” was all Bucky responded with. “Bruce is harmless… if that’s what you were worried about,” Steve said. He couldn’t tell if Bucky believed that or not. Steve walked to his mattress, sitting on the edge of it, and Bucky follows. He sits next to him and their thighs touching. “You said…. Someone attacked you,” Bucky’s voice was low this time. He gently grabbed Steve’s left hand. Bucky remembered. In a way, it left Steve dazed. He hadn’t expected that response from Bucky.

“Yeah. But it wasn’t Bruce. He was a stranger. I haven’t seen him in months, Bucky,” Steve explained, a little shocked that Bucky’s mind went straight to the night Steve was attacked. He was ready to attack Bruce if he gave Bucky a probable cause that he was there to harm Steve. And that made Steve feel a certain way. He wasn’t sure how to describe the feeling he was getting in his stomach, but it was gnawing at him. “I…. ok,” Bucky didn’t seem convinced, and it caused Steve to frown. “I can take care of myself. I’ve been doing fine,” Steve could see that Bucky’s eyes were still filled with caution. He stared at the front door as if Bruce was going to come back any second now. Bucky turns to look at Steve and slowly relaxes his face and posture. “I just don’t trust the people here...” Bucky trailed off, “well, I don’t trust them either. Anyone who has lived here long enough knows that. I can handle it,” Steve said, patting Bucky’s back before retreating back to his spot on the bed.

He finally turns off the TV, and Bucky quickly finds himself next to Steve on the bed. Bucky didn’t seem to know what to respond with, so he just sits there and looks at Steve some more. It never failed to make Steve blush. He was now convinced that Bucky just liked making Steve’s face go red. “Steve,” Bucky finally said after a few minutes of silence, “yeah?” Steve lazily responds back. It was only nine, and Steve could already feel his body trying to tell him to rest. He hated it. Sleep means time away from Bucky, and he knew he would wake up alone.

“What do you want to do during Christmas?” Bucky asked, referring back to the conversation from earlier. Steve blinks a few times, trying to stay awake for Bucky’s sake. “I just want company,” Steve said honestly. He thinks back at all the Christmas he had spent alone. The lack of decorations and food in his home. How he would sleep all day unless he was scheduled to work during that day because, of course, his store was open during Christmas. It didn’t help that the little friends he has made weren’t close to him and had their own family to celebrate with. Peggy has invited Steve once to come over for dinner with her husband, but Steve just didn’t feel right intruding. Steve fell asleep after that, his head dipping a little. Bucky moves him so that he would be lying on the bed comfortably with the blankets covering him. He turned off the lights. For a moment, Steve opens his eyes to find Bucky trying to move away from his bed.

“Stay…” Steve mumbled. His voice was soft and welcoming. He gently grabs Bucky’s arm, causing the man to move back to the bed beside Steve. Steve doesn’t see the softness in Bucky’s eyes as he stares at Steve’s hand on his forearm. He slowly lays beside him, laying on top of the blankets. “You want me to?” Bucky whispered. He sounded a little shocked. Steve closed his eyes and nodded, his hands still holding Bucky’s arm. Bucky stays close, close that Steve could feel him reach over to his cheek, and his breath hit Bucky’s wrist. “Steve…” Bucky whispered, sounding tired himself. “Yeah…” Steve’s voice trailed, moving a little closer to Bucky, his eyes still closed. “Can I come… back again?” Steve smiles without realizing, half asleep by the time Bucky asks. “I want you to,” Steve said before he falls asleep, not getting a chance to see Bucky’s reaction.

Steve would wake up again. This time it was around three am. Bucky was still there sleeping beside Steve. His arms were wrapped around Steve. Steve’s head tucked under Bucky’s chin. When he woke up again, Steve knew that Bucky would be gone, so he lets himself soak in everything. The way he felt warm and safe, he could hear Bucky breathing, his chest rising and dropping. Steve wrapped his free arm around Bucky’s waist and nuzzled into Bucky’s neck. He disregarded his consciences, telling him how irrational he was letting Bucky stay over again.

It was eight a.m when Steve woke up for the day. As expected, Bucky was gone, leaving Steve with the box he had given him. Steve walks to his desk and sits down, opening the package carefully. His eyes widen as he sees the art supplies skillfully placed in the box. Bucky had given him a watercolor palette, two leather drawing journals, one was red and the other blue, brushes, kneaded eraser, charcoal pencils, and some pastels. They were everything Steve needed. Bucky was able to pinpoint the art mediums Steve preferred just by looking at his drawings. Steve wished he had opened the box when Bucky was there to thank him but knowing himself too well, he'll probably just end up blushing like an idiot. Steve remembered Bucky asking if he could come back. Steve wasn’t sure if that was real, he was still a little groggy, but he retains a little bit of what Bucky said. Maybe Steve would be able to thank him.


	4. Don't Know Why

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky tries to figure out Steve and there's a lot of holding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no clue if this story is any good, all I can say there's a whole lotta fluff in this chapter. Bucky and Steve being tender strangers is what we need right now.

♡

Steve found himself at the hospital again. He collapsed at work from exhaustion. He took more hours since they fired two people after finding out they were stealing from the store. He was pushing his already frail body that sometimes couldn’t handle a regular six-hour shift. A job that required him to stand on his feet all day wasn’t suited for anyone, let alone Steve, who knew how his body functioned. The thing was, Steve tended to neglect his health, eating little and barely getting enough sleep.

Steve got a stern look from Peggy when she came to visit his room, “you are going to kill yourself, Steve,” she said to him as she made her way to his bedside. Steve just let out a huff, flinching when Peggy touched his bruised arm. “What happened?” she asked, her voice sounding more sympathetic. Steve explained that he fell to the ground when he was ringing up a woman. She wouldn’t stop yelling at Steve about the stereo's price she was trying to purchase while yelling at her crying son, who wanted candy from the display. Steve couldn’t get a word in. The lady demanded to see a manager even after Steve informed her that he was indeed the manager. Since eight am, he had been at the store, and it was six pm during the encounter, so Steve’s body was already giving up on him.

“You don’t get paid enough to deal with these people, Steve!” Peggy said in frustration, blowing at the strain of hair that was in her face. “You aren’t wrong, but also, I think I’ll be fine,” Steve said dryly. He sounded defeated. Peggy smacks Steve’s arm, which causes him to moan in pain. Why did he have to get easily bruised? “Steve. I’m serious. You need some rest! Look at you! I swear you got even paler since the last time I saw you,” Peggy began to examine Steve’s face, his under-eye circles were more prominent, and his cheeks were hallowed. Wanda suddenly came to check on Steve, too, poking her head out the door. “Look who’s back,” she said in a more lighthearted tone before Peggy shooing Wanda away. She rolls her eyes but gives Steve a soft smile before leaving the two alone.

Peggy turns her attention back to Steve, her face looking more serious and concern. “You need to be put on bed rest for the rest of the week- and I don’t want to hear it. You could have hit your head with the way you fell,” Peggy said in her demanding voice, which made it hard for Steve to argue with. He just simply nodded and apologized for the trouble he had put her through. He did feel bad. It was easy for him to just ignore his health. It was easy to take the extra shift when it meant you could make it on time for rent and maybe get something extra at the grocery store. 

“I’m just… Steve, you say you’ll be fine, but you- I just wish you took better care of yourself.” Steve felt a wave of guilt take over, Peggy looked hurt, and it made Steve know she genuinely cared for him. He cared for her too. It was just hard for him to care for himself. Steve didn’t have the words to respond. He just watched as Peggy left his room. So much for a new fresh start for the New Year, it’s only been the second week of January, and he was already bed-bound at the hospital. When another patent comes in to share the room with Steve, Steve’s mind went back to Bucky. It was pathetic how he missed Bucky. Moments like this made Steve wish Bucky was here with him. He wanted to feel Bucky’s hand on his cheek. He wanted to have his face pressed against Bucky’s neck. Steve couldn’t stop thinking about the strange man. He was drawing Bucky a little too much. He would try drawing something new, fresh, but the product would end up resemble Bucky. 

Steve stayed at the hospital for two days. He would go back to work the following Monday, so he had another two days to rest like Peggy wanted him to. He would be lying if he said he wasn’t scared that he would lose his job for taking care of his health. They didn’t care for Steve, yet Steve had to put all his energy into working a low pay job that overworks him. He just needed to take his two days off and enjoy it as much as one can. Steve once again finds his car parked nearby his apartment. He had to start thanking that coworker of his. Steve thinks his name is Sam. He worked in inventory and was pretty nice to Steve.

When Steve reaches his door, Bruce suddenly appears, getting out of his apartment. “Steve- hey. Is everything ok?” Bruce asked, his voice a little shaky and had a hint of hesitation. Steve rubs the back of his neck, feeling bad that he made Bruce worry so much. They weren’t close, but they both found ways to subtly check on each other. Bruce was a reclusive person, but he seemed to enjoy talking to Steve when he felt a little social. “Hospital. Nothing serious,” Steve shrugged off, he still felt exhausted, and his head was killing him. He just wanted to sleep forever and never wake up. 

Bruce looks at Steve, unsure how to respond, how to sound sympathetic. “A guy was waiting by your door the other day. He looked kind of on edge,” Bruce looked around the hall as if to make sure no one was nearby. Steve freezes, fully turning his body to face Bruce. “What?” Steve sounded almost panic as he watched Bruce wince at his reaction. “It was late. He was just standing at your door. I asked him if he needed anything, and he left in a hurry- are you in trouble, Steve?” Bruce asked, his face read concern. Steve’s eyes were wide, and his mind was now scattered. Bucky. It had to be Bucky. He missed his visit with Bucky. He probably thought Steve didn’t want him around. What if he doesn’t come back? What if Bruce scared him off? Steve swore his head was about to explode, and it showed because now Bruce was placing his hand on Steve’s shoulder to calm him down. “Steve, he looks like trouble. He seemed like he was waiting there for a while-” Bruce gets cut off by Steve, who shakes his head. “No- I’m fine. He’s just… did he say anything to you?” Steve sounded kind of desperate, and it was probably weird for Bruce to witness.

“No. But Steve-”

“I need to… I need to lay down Bruce. Don’t worry about it, really,” Steve doesn’t wait for Bruce’s response. He enters his apartment and locks the door. He waits to hear Bruce walk away from his door before throwing himself into his mattress. Bucky wanted to see him, and that’s all Steve could think about. He knew he had grown attached to this man. A man he barely knew, yet his body was so comfortable around him. Steve never seemed to stiffen when Bucky touched him. Steve craved the little intimacy they shared, the way Bucky would hold him or touch his hair. Steve didn’t understand how his friendship if you could call it that, came to be, but Bucky was lingering in Steve’s life. 

He wanted to talk to him, like really talk to him. Bucky has a life outside of Steve’s bubble, but it didn’t seem the kind of life Bucky wants Steve to know about. Maybe if Steve opened up, that could make Bucky trust him, but did Bucky already trust him? Bucky was odd, Steve knew that, but he also knew he didn’t see anything wrong with it. 

Steve fell asleep that night with his problems following him in his dreams. He dreamt of how he waited for Bucky, and he never came back. He was in his apartment, but the walls were closer to him, and the room was melting all around him. Steve tried to get up, but he felt dizzy, and his legs were heavy. Time slowed down, and all Steve could do was struggle. It was in a loop, and when Steve finally woke up, he was trying to breathe. He couldn’t, though. He didn’t want to admit it, but at that moment, Steve just wanted Bucky to run to his side and hold him. Steve was never one to accept comfort, he never liked feeling helpless, but right now, all he wanted was to melt into Bucky. He wanted to rest his face on Bucky’s neck and let Bucky’s hands run down his back. Once Steve could calm himself down, he went to the kitchen and downed two cups of water. He took a shower and tried his best to scrub off the feeling the dream had left him. Steve’s head was buzzing. He couldn’t stop thinking. He wanted to rest. He wanted to be left alone. 

Steve wouldn’t see Bucky until January 28th. Steve tried to keep himself busy. They hired more people, so the workload wasn’t as much. He was also working on a canvas painting; the weather was cold, and the streets were covered in snow. It put Steve in a decent mood. He had the radio softly playing in the background while he sat at his desk, dipping his brush in the cup of water to wash out the purple off of it. He heard the doorbell go off, and his heart starts to race. He freezes in his seat and listens to the person shuffling behind his door. Steve didn’t want to assume it was Bucky. He didn’t want to get his hopes up. It had to be Bruce, but it wasn’t. When Steve looked through the peephole, he saw Bucky. He almost jumped back in excitement. He opened the door, and before he could say anything, Bucky pushed himself in. He closed the door with his back and pulled Steve into the tightest hug Steve has ever been in. Steve’s face tucked into Bucky’s neck; he could feel Bucky’s arm tighten around him. The man’s hand making its way to Steve’s hair. 

“Bucky?” Steve choked, sensing the panic in Bucky. The way he was holding Steve as if he were scared to let go of him or something. Bucky was breathing heavily; his back leans against the door and brings Steve down with him as he slides down the floor slowly. Steve was now between Bucky’s legs, his arms under Bucky’s arms. “You ok?” Steve asked, and once again, no response from Bucky, just some heavy breathing from the older man. Steve took that as Bucky just wanting some quiet time. So, Steve hesitantly rubbed Bucky’s back, which seemed to catch him off guard for a second before relaxing under Steve’s touch. They sat like that for a little bit, Steve's face buried into Bucky’s neck while Bucky’s face was pressed against Steve’s hair. Bucky would occasionally trail his hands down Steve’s arm and back, letting out a deep breath. They stayed like for thirty minutes; Steve swore he was close to falling asleep if it weren’t for Bucky breaking the silence.

“Steve.”

He tried sounding emotionless like he usually spoke, but something about his tone was a little off to Steve. His voice was filled with relief and exhaustion at the same time. Steve tried to move from the spot he was in to look at Bucky, but the man’s grip tightens, not wanting to move from the warmth. “It’s cold outside,” Bucky sighed into Steve’s hair. Steve wasn’t expecting that, it was cold outside, but it was unusual to point out. Bucky was a little wet from the snow, but he had dried up, his cold hands now warm. “It’s not any better in here,” Steve said. He rubbed his cheeks against Bucky’s neck, causing the man to push Steve’s head closer to him. He inhales a little, feeling Steve’s soft skin against his. It was true though, the heat in Steve’s place was barely on, and anytime he made an issue of it, nothing got resolved. He ends up buying more blankets just to stay warm. Bucky simply tucked Steve under his coat and remained silent for a little. Once again, Steve felt like they were locked away from the real world. No one else existed but them. 

“I tried coming by last time.”

Steve closed his eyes; Bruce was still giving him concern looks whenever he saw him in the hallway. It seemed like Bucky really freaked Bruce out. He could see Bucky just standing at his door, his eyes not giving away emotions and the muscles on his face not moving an inch. It was like the night he met Bucky, wide eyes, and a stare that was unsettling. Steve slowly saw Bucky let that go a little, his voice sometimes revealing his current emotion, and his face was more relaxed. Sometimes he did sound dead, and his face was haunting with the way to never moved, but Steve was making it his normal now. 

Nothing about his association with this man was normal. Their interaction was questionable at best. The way they touched would be off-putting too many and not simply because they were both men. “I know… Bruce saw you,” Steve said, unsure where the conversation was headed. Bucky stiffens for a moment before his body loosened. “I was at the hospital,” Steve then said, which made Bucky pull away from their embrace. He places his hands on Steve’s cheeks and furrows his eyebrows at him. Steve couldn’t breathe properly; his hands were so gentle, and it didn’t help that Bucky was so close to Steve’s face. Steve needed to get a grip, but he couldn’t. He was so desperate to get close to this man. 

“What happened?”

Bucky squinted at Steve, brushing his hand over the hair that was covering Steve’s forehead. “Just passed out is all. I’m fine,” Steve watched as Bucky looked into his eyes like he was waiting for more information from Steve. “I just overworked myself… I wish I hadn’t. I would have seen you," Steve hesitantly said, not wanting to sound needy because Bucky was still miles away from being considered close to Steve. Even if he was sitting between the man’s legs and was just holding him a second ago. “I thought you just didn’t want me in,” Bucky let go of Steve’s cheeks, and Steve automatically wanted his hands back on his cheeks. Steve shook his head, “I wish…” Steve trailed off. He was unsure if his response was appropriate, but it seemed like Bucky wanted Steve to finish his thought. “…that you’d come more,” Steve’s cheeks turned red, and he looked away from Bucky’s gaze. “I…” Bucky cuts himself off. Steve turns back to Bucky, who is just staring at him. He couldn’t read his expression, but he looked… nervous. Nervous of what? Steve doesn’t know. 

“So, you want me here.”

It didn’t sound like a question, but Steve simply nodded. He swore they had this conversation before. Maybe he wasn’t clear. “Yes, I really want-” Steve then remembered the gift Bucky had given him “-oh! I really like- I wanted to… Thank you for the box,” Steve was stumbling on his words because now Bucky was trapping him with his arms and legs. It made Steve hate how small he was. Simultaneously, he just wanted Bucky to pull him into his arms and for Bucky to wrap his legs around him so that he was covered by the taller man. Bucky glanced over at Steve’s desk before looking back at him. He tried to smile. He tried; it was a little crooked, but Steve liked it. 

“You have more drawings on your wall,” Bucky commented. Steve looked back at his wall and did notice he had a lot more drawings up. He didn’t hang the ones of Bucky. He kept those in his journal. He drew them for himself and no one else. “Yeah, I’m working on a painting right now...” Steve pauses, biting his bottom lip “… thank you. Really Bucky. I even still have the box. I couldn’t bring myself to throw it out.” Bucky tilts his head; he seemed a little shocked by that statement but does his best to not show it.

“You want anything to eat? I was going to make some dinner,” Steve said, pointing towards the kitchen. Bucky nods, but he takes a minute to get up. Like Steve, Bucky didn’t seem to want to move away from him. Bucky helps Steve up and follows him to the kitchen, even after Steve tells him he can just relax on his bed. Bucky just didn’t see that as an option. So, now Steve was boiling some water, grabbing the box of farfalle pasta while Bucky stood close by. “How was your New Years?” Steve found himself asking, he knew it was a little late to be asking that, but he hadn’t seen Bucky in weeks. “I worked. We had a party,” Bucky takes off his trench coat and drapes it on the chair by Steve’s desk. He looks over at the painting Steve’s working on and smiles to himself. Steve turns his attention to Bucky but doesn’t say anything. “It was pretty busy. There were more people than last year. I have never been one for parties,” Bucky said, his eyes trained on the painting. It was of a woman in a light blue dress, she was standing in a pond, and her hair was falling to her shoulder. It still needed more shadows in her face, and Steve hadn’t started the background, but it didn’t seem to faze Bucky, who couldn’t stop staring at the painting. 

“What do you do at those parties?” Steve asked. He felt like Bucky was a talkative little today. He sounded controlled, but it seemed like Bucky was letting himself give Steve a little bit of information about his life. “Entertain important guest,” was all Bucky said. He looks back at Steve and walks towards the stove where Steve was now dumping the pasta into the boiled water. Bucky was only two feet away from Steve. He looked down at Steve's waist as if he wanted to reach for it. His eyes were filled with curiosity, and it made Steve turn red. Steve tried to focus on the stove, but Bucky was getting closer, and Steve knew he wouldn’t move from his spot. He wanted Bucky near him. 

Bucky placed his hands-on Steve’s cheeks and looked at him with a tender look. Steve’s heart was pounding because Bucky wasn’t holding back his conflicted stare. His eyes looking back at Steve’s eyes and then his lips. If Bucky wanted, he could move a few inches, and his lips would be pressed against Steve’s. He was that close. Steve could feel Bucky’s breath hit his lips; he could feel his fingers go numb as he placed his hands on Bucky’s waist. They stay like that for a while, Bucky just staring and Steve just waiting. 

Steve hears the water spilling out of the pot, and it breaks the tension between the two, causing Steve’s shift his focus back on the pasta. He turns off the stove while Bucky backs away a little. He rubs the back of his neck as he leans against the kitchen counter. His back was facing Steve, who poured the pasta onto two plates. Steve really had nothing else to cook. Steve looks over at Bucky, who seemed occupied with his thoughts. Steve waits a few moments before speaking, “are you…” Steve wasn’t sure how to phrase his question. He just hoped it grabbed Bucky’s attention, which it did because now the man was clutching his plate and following Steve to his mattress. This time they ate on the floor, napkins scattered around the floor as they ate. The radio was still playing softly in the background. 

“How was your New Years?”

Steve stayed in bed and sketched Bucky, but he wasn’t going to admit that. “Stayed home,” Steve simply said before shoving pasta into his mouth. Bucky’s eyes landed on Steve’s lips before looking back up. “You don’t have anyone to spend time with? Friends? A girlfriend?” Bucky asked, causing Steve to choke a little on his food. Bucky tenses up, his eyes are alerted as if Steve was in danger, but Steve waves him off. “I don’t have either,” Steve confessed, knowing his lack of relationships with others was his lack of effort. He would consider Peggy and Bruce his friends but not friends in the sense of people he spends time with. “What about you?” Steve awkwardly asked. He placed his empty plate on the floor. “In my kind of work, we aren’t allowed personal relationships,” Bucky said with a straight face. His eyes were almost cold. Steve frowned at the response, watching Bucky finish his food. “Why is that?” Steve asked. He wasn’t expecting a reply, so when Bucky did eventually say something after a few seconds of silence, it caught Steve by surprise. “He made it clear that I only interact with people who benefit me. He said it’s strictly give and take,” Bucky said. It sounded rehearsed. It made Steve feel a little sick to his stomach. He felt a sense of dread hearing that. 

“Who is he?” Steve asked. Bucky takes a moment to respond. His eyes moving frantically as if he was lost in thought. “My father. I work for him,” Steve wasn’t sure what to say. From the way Bucky was reacting to this conversation, it didn’t seem like he wanted to continue talking about him. Steve was only glad Bucky was opening up a little to him. It’s all he asks for. Bucky set his plate down. Steve grabs it along with his own plate and gets up to place it in the sink. When he turned around, he could see Bucky already crawling on the mattress. It made Steve’s heart flutter seeing how Bucky rushed to his bed. Steve joined him, sitting beside him as their shoulders touched and their backs leaning against the wall. Steve admired Bucky for a moment. He took notice of his slight stubble and the way his hair grew out a little. Bucky couldn’t be real, he couldn’t. “So… if you can’t have personal relationships, then what about this?” Steve pointed a little hurt by his own words. Bucky’s face shifted, a little more uncomfortable and hesitant. 

“I told how I wasn’t supposed to come back. It’s not a smart move but- it’s so hard,” Bucky said. He looks away from Steve and hunches over his legs. “It was never an issue before- I just… I want to see you,” Bucky gritted his teeth. Steve could sense the tension in Bucky’s voice. He placed his hand on Bucky’s back and helped him lay down beside him. He let Bucky rest his head on the pillow, covering his body with the blanket. They laid on their side, their face close by that Steve could feel Bucky’s breathing hitting his arm. 

“Steve, why don’t you have anyone?”

It sounded so innocent when Bucky said it. “By choice, I guess,” Steve said, thinking back at all the relationships he did attempt to maintain, whether it was romantic or platonic. It seemed like he would find himself retreating to his little space anytime he got slightly close with someone. He was able to maintain relationships that didn’t require him to always keep in touch. It’s why he and Peggy worked. He would come to the hospital, chat with the nurses, and leave. He didn’t get involved in their life that overwhelmed Steve. He was like Bruce. When he needed a little bit of socialization, he would seek those small chats with the people he was able to talk to. 

“You wouldn’t be with someone?” Bucky asked. It was clear he was leaning more in the romantic aspect of the topic, and it made Steve wonder if Bucky shared the same thoughts as Steve. “Maybe. I haven’t been on a date in years, though. If I’m being honest… I wouldn’t know what to do,” Steve explained, feeling his cheeks warm up as soon as Bucky reached Steve’s face. He rubbed his thumb against Steve’s under eye, and Steve felt himself melt into his touch. “I have never done… those things before. I’ve seen people in relationships, but I never understood them,” Bucky started, grabbing Steve’s attention. “What do you mean?” Steve asked, needing clarification from Bucky, who kept glancing over at Steve’s lips before looking back up at him.

“I was told that people just enter these relationships because they want something from the person.”

Steve could understand why Bucky would think that way. If he had never developed a personal relationship with anyone, then his views on them would be a little skewed. “My father says that even parents have kids just so they can have someone to care for them when they're older. He says that people don’t do things just because they care but because they want something in return,” Bucky continued. He wasn’t unsettled by his statement, but it seemed like it bothered him. He furrowed his eyebrows, staring at Steve with an unreadable look. 

“What do you want from me, Steve?” Bucky asked calmly. He moved his hand so his fingers were running through Steve’s hair. Steve’s face burned up, “nothing really… just want you around,” Steve stammered. He wasn’t sure if he sounded convincing to Bucky, he probably grew up with these thoughts, and the man looked like he was past his 30s. It would take more than words to convince Bucky he only had good intentions. “Why?” Bucky was still playing with Steve’s hair; Steve wasn’t sure how to explain to Bucky that he just liked his company because that was the truth. He liked having Bucky around, even if all they did was lie down on the bed and talk. 

“I like you,” Steve found himself saying, stunned by his own words. Bucky blinked rapidly, his guarded face softening as he moved his hand. His thumb now pressing gently against Steve’s bottom lip, which caused the younger man to hold his breath. “I don’t want anything from you. I just want to stay near,” Bucky said in a whisper. Steve placed his hand over Buckys. He watches as Bucky moved his face closer to Steve’s and pressed his cheeks pressed against Steve’s. They both let out a sigh. Steve didn’t mind the stubble rubbing against his smooth cheek. He brought his body closer so that he was embracing Bucky. They held each other tight. Bucky whispered something that Steve couldn’t make out. He then felt Bucky’s lips brush against his ear before settling back into the pillow, which made Steve miss the warmth of Bucky’s cheek. 

They laid there in silence for a while, Steve already feeling his eyes begin to open and close. He sees Bucky reach for the lamp by the mattress and turning it off alongside the radio. It was dark and silent. He could feel Bucky adjusting the blankets and pulling Steve into his chest. Steve fell asleep instantly, listening to Bucky’s breathing pattern. He dreamt of good things. He dreamt of Bucky. They were lying on the bed, but the bed was laced and white. There was a massive window beside them; outside, there was a field, and no one was around. They laid under the covers; their bodies pressed against each other. Bucky was smiling at Steve. The house they were in felt familiar but somewhat distorted, but it had a nice atmosphere to Steve. Bucky kisses Steve’s forehead, nose then lifted his chin with his index finger and kissed Steve’s lips. His lips lingered a little before pulling away, and that’s when Steve woke up.

He opened his eyes; the room was blurry and dark. He felt someone’s arms and realized Bucky was still here. Steve’s back was turned to Bucky, but the older man was spooning him, his face pressed against Steve’s neck. The feeling of warmth washes over Steve as he moved his body closer to Buckys. He scanned the room to get an idea of the time. There was a little light coming from the window, so Steve could only assume it was close to four or five in the morning. Steve knew what will come of Bucky in the morning, so he brought Bucky’s hand to his lips and tried going to sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told you it was just fluff!


	5. Swimming Through Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky asks Steve an important question. Steve is slowly coming to terms with his feelings for Bucky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mentions of bruises, blood and homophobic slurs. 
> 
> I've been stressing over this chapter, not sure why. I updated the tags and I will continue to do so as I update this story. I appreciate all the kudos and comments I've been getting! Keeps me motivated to write. I hope you enjoy!

♡

Bucky would come back to Steve’s place fairly quickly, as in the following Friday. Steve didn’t have to deal with wandered about Bucky’s wellbeing, worrying about him every second of the day. It was around seven, and Steve was already in bed. He had a long day at work and felt like sleeping early was well deserved. He was drifting into sleep until he heard the doorbell go off, his eyes shot open, and once again, his first thought was to panic. He wasn’t sure why he always felt his chest heaving at the sound of the doorbell. Steve cautiously got up from his mattress and tiptoed towards his door, looking through the peephole. It was like a routine to Steve. He was in bed, almost knocked out, until he hears the buzzing sound coming from his door. Steve then gets a wave of fear before feeling it wash away once he cheeks the peephole because it was always Bucky. 

The way Steve quickly opened the door when he saw Bucky would be considered laughable to others, but Steve didn’t care. He unlocked his door swiftly and tugged on the knob, pulling it back to reveal Bucky. He had a bruise that was spread from his temple to his cheek. It made Steve wince at the sight. His stomach twisted, and his chest tightened in discomfort. He let Bucky come in and shut the door before saying anything. “Bucky, what happened?” Steve asked. He had seen Bucky mangled before, he had the bloodstains to prove it, but it didn’t mean he was used to it. The spreading purple with yellow blotches on the side of Bucky’s face made Steve tense up, he wanted to reach for Bucky, but he kept himself from moving closer to Bucky. 

Bucky just looked away from Steve’s worried look, staring into the darkroom. Steve rushed to his desk and turned on the lamp before making his way back to Bucky. He tugs on Bucky’s coat and tells him to take it off. Bucky nods, shrugging off his jacket and removing his shoes. Steve could see a little dirt on his clothes, his pants were torn from the side, and his arm was stained with dry blood. Steve just grabbed Bucky’s hand and led him to the bathroom. Bucky sat on the edge of the tub and looked up at Steve with warmth.

“You don’t have to tell me what happened… just let me get you cleaned up,” Steve watched as Bucky’s shoulder dropped, relaxing a little while Steve grabbed the first aid. Steve didn’t need Bucky feeling like he couldn’t come to him with help. Steve still remembered their conversation from a few months ago. How Bucky didn’t like the hospital asking so many questions. Naturally, Steve made sure he didn’t ask Bucky personal questions unless Bucky was the one initiating the conversation. 

“You should take off your shirt. I can lend you a clean one.” Bucky unbuttoned his shirt and slowly took it off, wincing in the process but is able to drop his dirty shirt on the floor. When Steve turned back around, he took a step back, a little stunned by Bucky being shirtless. Steve has seen Bucky naked, but that was before Steve’s found emotion for the man. Now it was different because Steve looked at Bucky differently. Nothing about his feelings was platonic. Steve wasn’t sure what it was. He just knew he felt warm and lightheaded when it came to Bucky. 

Steve pulled himself together. He grabbed a towel and ran it through warm water. He went back to Bucky and removed the dry blood from his arm. He frowns when he sees that there was no cut on his arm, it wasn’t Bucky’s blood. “I’m fine,” Bucky uttered, taking notice of the way Steve’s face was reacting to his arm. Steve just shook his head, gently touching Bucky’s cheek. He doesn’t flinch at the touch; he just wraps his arm around Steve’s waist and presses his face against Steve’s chest. 

“You are bruised up,” Steve commented. He noticed the bruises on Bucky’s arm, shoulder, and the side of the stomach. The colors were bright, a hideous purple-black that made Steve’s stomach turn. Bucky responded by rubbing his face against Steve’s chest, allowing Steve’s shirt's soft cloth to bring him comfort. Steve was trying hard to contain himself, his heart was racing, and he worried that maybe Bucky could hear it. 

“You can take a shower, I’ll bring you some clean clothes, and we can see if I have any ice for your face,” Steve said in a tender tone that even surprises Steve. Bucky pulls away from Steve a little just so he can get a look at Steve. “I- could you stay here with me?” Bucky asked. Steve’s face heats up, unsure if it was appropriate to say yes. It was hard to say no when a bruised-up Bucky was looking at him. He looked vulnerable and open. Bucky trusted him, and that meant something to Steve.

“Ok-k,” Steve stuttered. He pulls away from Bucky. “Maybe I can run the bath instead,” Steve said, turning on the faucet and placing it in the water stopper. Steve turned to Bucky, who just watched, not objecting to Steve as he put bath soaps in the tub. Steve went back to the sink to wet the now dirty towel and wiped down Bucky’s body to make sure he got all the dry blood off. When the bathtub was filled, he turns off the water and awkwardly stands in front of Bucky, “you can get in… I’ll grab you something to wear,” Steve said. He rushes out of the bathroom before he could let Bucky say anything. It was like the night Bucky first came to his apartment. Steve allowing Bucky to use his bathroom while he fetched him some clothes. Something bubbled in Steve’s chest, but he ignored it as he went for the dresser. 

Steve was able to find a shirt for Bucky but couldn’t find any pants that would fit him. He tried to find something, anything but it wasn’t like Steve could put on any weight or get any taller to own pants that would fit the average man. It made Steve feel a little defeated, but he has accepted the cards he was dealt with. He would just have to tell Bucky he didn’t have anything for his lower half. Steve came back to find Bucky in the tub, his head against the tile, his pants and boxer were folded on the toilet. 

Steve looked back at Bucky, his eyes scanning down his chest and down his stomach. Steve could see Bucky’s thighs through the bubbles, his knees poking out of the water. Steve felt his body heat up, fingers running cold as he watched Bucky’s chest rise and fall. Something about Bucky’s relaxed body being lathered with soap did something to Steve, his mouth parting slightly once Bucky turns his head to face Steve. 

“Come.”

Bucky stuck out his arm, gesturing Steve to approach him. Steve walked towards the tub and sat beside Bucky, the bath panel dividing the two men. “I don’t have any pants for you,” Steve nervously said, but Bucky just shrugs at Steve, “you’ve seen me naked, Steve. I think I’ll be fine, wearing just a shirt and boxer.” Bucky smirked at Steve, causing him to short circuit. Bucky was teasing him. Steve couldn’t hold back his smile, he let out a chuckle, and he rested his elbow onto the edge of the tub.

  
“You didn’t give me a warning last time,” Steve noted. He grabbed a bar of soap and handed it to Bucky, who then gently lather his body. He tried his best to avoid pressing too hard on his bruises. Steve just watched. It was a little weird, but Bucky wanted him here, and if he was being honest, he wanted to be with Bucky too. He did his best to not let his eyes wander as the bubbles began to wash away and slowly revealing more of Bucky’s lower half. Steve handed him the shampoo bottle and watched as Bucky rubbed it into his damp hair. His hair was now neck length. Steve liked how Bucky’s hair was getting longer. He just wanted to run his fingers through it.

“What’s wrong?” Bucky suddenly said, he leaned back against the tub. Steve stared at the way Bucky’s mouth gaped slightly, how his arms would tense under the water, and the way the water droplets trickled down Bucky’s chest. Steve tried his best to stop staring- to stop thinking about Bucky while he was a few inches away from Steve naked. He couldn’t help but feel a wave of guilt when those thoughts entered his brain because Bucky was in no way thinking Steve in that matter. “Nothing- sorry.” Steve shook his head, moving away from the tub, but Bucky places his hand over Steve’s arm, preventing him from moving. Bucky’s wet hands startling Steve but quickly easing into the touch. Bucky’s hand slowly moving down Steve’s arm and only stopping when it rested on his hand. 

“It’s ok.” 

Steve nodded slowly, not trusting his voice. They stayed like that for a few minutes. Bucky resting his head against the tile wall, his arms resting on the edge of the tub, one hand on Steve. They both were eying one another but said nothing. Steve began moving his fingers around and slowly found himself intertwining their fingers together. Steve gave Bucky’s hand a better look. They were big and rough. There were healed scabs that left behind a dark surface on the dorsal view of Bucky’s hand. Steve felt an overwhelming feeling of wanting to bring Bucky’s hand to his lips. Still, he just continues to let their fingers brush against one another.

Steve let his mind wander a little. The idea of being in the tub with Bucky was suddenly crossing Steve’s mind. He wanted his face pressed against Bucky’s chest, his fingers going through Steve’s hair and the warm water surrounding them. Steve needed to stop. “I never done this before,” Bucky mutters, breaking Steve’s train of thought. “Done what?” Steve asked. Bucky squeezes Steve’s hand lightly. “That.” Steve looked down at their hands. Steve’s small and slender hand was protected by Bucky’s much bigger and stronger hand. Steve’s breath hitched, he looks away, but Bucky keeps his eyes trained at him.

“Let’s rinse off the shampoo,” Steve said, getting up, pulling away from Bucky’s hand, disregarding the feeling of guilt as he does so. “I’ll close the curtain, let you wash everything off,” Steve explained as he reached for the water stopper, pulling it out. “You aren’t leaving. Right?” Bucky asked, his eyes searching for reassurance. Steve’s eyes soften as he nods. He closes the curtains slowly; he leans against the sink and could hear the water moving. The sound of the shower going off and seeing that a little bit of water escaping the tub.

He just pushes the towel that’s on the floor around and lets it soak up the water. Steve grabs the stained shirt and folds it, “do you want to keep the shirt, Buck?” Steve asked. He sees Bucky poking his head out from the shower curtain, his face read amusement? “Buck?” Bucky repeated. Steve just wanted to hide from embarrassment. “You can toss it,” Bucky said before ducking his head back. Steve throws the shirt in the bathroom's waste bin and makes a mental note to take out the trash tomorrow. 

He hears the water stop running and Bucky suddenly emerging from the curtains. Steve’s eyes quickly dropped down. He grabs the towel for Buck and rushes to wrap it around his waist. It seemed like Bucky didn’t see nudity as a big deal because he just looked blankly at Steve. He struggled to tuck in the corner of the towel to keep it from dropping down the floor. Bucky steps out of the tub and automatically brings Steve to his arms, Steve’s face pressed against Bucky’s wet chest. 

“Oh,” Steve let out a sigh. He feels Bucky’s cheek rest on the top of his head. He let Bucky's hug linger for a moment before pulling away slowly, his shirt now damped. He lets out a nervous cough before shamelessly handing Bucky his shirt and boxer. As Bucky gets dressed, Steve makes sure his back turned, holding Bucky’s ripped black dress pants. Yet, he could still see Bucky through the mirror. He stood behind Steve as his eyes wandered down Steve’s back, making the hairs on his neck stand. He turned back to Bucky once he was all dressed, minus the pants since Steve couldn’t exactly provide one. 

Steve looked at the way Bucky’s hair was dripping droplets onto his shirt, his hair pressed against the side of his face. Steve couldn’t believe the buildup in his chest. “You all good now?” Steve asked. Bucky nods and follows Steve out of the bathroom. It didn’t seem like Bucky was in the mood to eat. They opted to lay in bed with only one lamp turned on, facing away from them. It was kind of odd how it seemed like this is what they both seemed to gravitate towards. It seemed like an unspoken rule between the two men that they just had to find each other in bed. 

Steve wasn’t tired. His thoughts were keeping his body from relaxing. He laid in bed, a few inches away from Bucky, as he kept his eyes trained on the ceiling, but he could sense Bucky. The man staring into Steve, he wasn’t sure what Bucky said when he stared at Steve. It was always something Steve wanted to understand. There were a lot of things Steve wanted to know about Bucky. He wanted to know why Bucky was drawn to him. Based on Bucky’s action and the conversations they had, it was clear that this was new to him. Whatever was between the two, it was new. It was new to Steve, too but for different reasons. He has never welcomed a complete stranger in his home. He never watched someone take a bath, and he never had someone hold him the way Bucky did. 

Sometimes Steve thinks it’s all sick joke that the universe was trying to pull on him. He worried that one day Bucky would just never come back. It was something Steve wanted to ignore too. Steve felt a shift beside him. He tilted his head slightly to find Bucky trying to inch in closer. Steve had forgotten that it became a normal thing for them to just- cuddle. It made Steve blush just thinking about it. “Can I come closer, Steve?” Bucky asked. He sounded hesitant, and it made Steve realize he hadn’t made any attempts to get closer to Bucky. His body language probably appeared closed off. Steve nods. His breathing is heavy as Bucky dragged his body closer to Steve. They were now pressed against each other, Steve slowly allowing himself to lay on his side, so he was facing Bucky. He pushed his hand under his head while Bucky let his arm travel down Steve’s arm. 

“I want to take you out.” 

It was sudden and quite frankly made Steve tense up, but only for a brief moment before loosens up. Bucky had a cautious smile on his face. “What do you mean by that?” Steve asked, not wanting to misread the statement. He had already established to himself that he likes Bucky. He didn’t know what Bucky felt about him, especially since Steve knew that Bucky didn’t have a conventional way of interacting with people. His first interaction with the man was one of the oddest encounters Steve has ever had, but yet it wasn’t off-putting to Steve. 

“A date.” Steve’s felt his pulse racing, and his cheeks turned into a crimson color. When Steve doesn’t respond, Bucky sits up, which in turn made Steve sit up. “I’m sorry. Was that wrong?” Bucky asked. He looked at Steve with a guilty look that crushed something in Steve. It hadn’t crossed Steve’s mind that maybe Bucky has been building himself up to ask Steve out. If he was asking Steve out? Steve was still trying to register what Bucky had said to him, 

Steve shook his head, now picking at his lip nervously. “I just wasn’t- I wasn’t expecting that uh. I still find it hard to believe sometimes that you like coming over here,” Steve confessed, glancing at everything but Bucky. Bucky furrows his eyebrows, his face scrunching up a little. “I’ve been trying to get myself to ask you… this is new to me,” Bucky said, the vagueness in his statement made Steve face him. Steve let their hands making their way to each other, their fingers lanced together. Maybe Bucky felt something too.

“When you mean new…” Steve trailed off. He looked at Bucky in hopes he’d finish his sentence. “I never been this close… with anyone,” was how Bucky put it. It felt like Bucky wanted to say more than that, but he looked at Steve. He was searching for something in Steve’s face as if he wanted Steve to understand what he was trying to say. Steve nodded along, but he looked puzzled. It wasn’t that he didn’t understand but more that he wasn’t sure of Bucky’s intentions. “I’ve taken people out before. They were all for business. Whatever my father assigned me to do, but this is different. It’s my own choice,” Bucky explained, his voice getting lower. Steve smiled a little, squeezing Bucky’s hand. “Ok… yeah. I’d like that, Bucky. Um, when then?”

“Next time I come to visit… I don’t know when, but you’ll know. I promise you that.”

Steve’s smile widens. It was hard not to when he just kind of got asked out by Bucky. He wasn’t sure if it was a date, every sign pointed to it, but Steve still doubted that Bucky had any romantic intentions for him. Did Bucky have the ability to be romantically interested in someone? If he did, it probably wouldn’t be directed towards Steve. “I trust you,” Steve said, getting an unexpected reaction from Bucky, whose smile dropped, his body stiffens but doesn’t pull his hands away from Steve. “You do?” Bucky asked. He looked a little stunted, and Steve wasn’t sure why. “I do. You wouldn’t be here if I didn’t,” Steve tighten his grip on Bucky’s hand, his eyes softening as he looked at Bucky, who suddenly shaking. 

  
“You wouldn’t say that if you saw what I did,” Bucky was retreating back to his blank stare and monotone voice. Steve tried his best to not show the disappointment sinking in as he watches Bucky dip his head, moving his hands away from Steve. Steve wanted to find the right words; he didn’t want to say the wrong things. Steve stays silent for a moment. Bucky wasn’t looking at him. It was as if he was somewhere else with the way he looked off at the side of the room. 

Steve let out a sigh. He moves from the spot he was sitting and sits across from Bucky, no longer leaning close to him. “I know that I don’t know you fully… but I want to. You don’t have to tell me now, but when you are ready, I’ll be here,” Steve knew he sounded banal, but he was too focused on comforting Bucky. He wanted him to see that he liked what he was being shown now. He knew that there was a different side of Bucky. Steve knew there something lurking in Bucky’s life when he first saw him at the hospital. The way he was cut up, the way Bucky behaved, the way Bucky was walking on eggshells to avoid talking about his personal life. Steve wasn’t naïve, but in a way, he was because he still involved himself with a potentially dangerous man. 

“I don’t think you’ll look at me the same if I did tell you.”

“You don’t know that.   
Bucky… you do remember that you broke into my car?” Bucky finally looks back at Steve, his cheeks reddening. It was a sight to see. “Yes,” Bucky said, still keeping hold of his cold exterior, but he could see the way it was slowly chipping away. “Bucky I… you came to me with all of this-” Steve lightly traced his index finger against Bucky’s temple “- I know that’s probably just surface-level stuff. I know- I know there’s more that I don’t know but, you haven’t exactly scared me off,” Steve dropped his hands to his side and glances around the room before looking back at Bucky. 

“I know you said you never had any personal relationships. When you get close with someone, you learn the good and bad parts about them. How do I know you won’t find things you don’t like about me?” Steve said, bringing his hands to his chest, Bucky gaping at Steve. “That wouldn’t happen,” Bucky said, his voice drops an octave. He looks at Steve like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. The heat radiates up to Steve’s neck, blooming across his cheeks.

“I… still trust you. You haven’t given me any reason not to.” Bucky didn’t seem to fully believe Steve’s statement, but he allows himself to loosen the tension in his face. “Ok…” Bucky whispered, looking down at his hands. Steve reaches for the lamp, turning it off before telling Bucky that it was probably best. They called it a night. They both lay under the covers, their arms brushing against one another. Steve waited for Bucky to say- do something. Just when Steve thinks the conversation between them has dropped, Bucky turns to his side and slings his arm over Steve’s waist. “I trust you too,” Bucky said, his breath fanning Steve’s face. A small smile crept on Steve’s face, and he moves into Bucky’s space, resting his head closer to Bucky’s shoulder. 

  
The next two weeks were filled with Steve thinking about Bucky. It had consumed Steve’s daydream. It was almost a way for Steve to cope. When Steve couldn’t sleep, when he was at work, especially when he was getting picked on at work, he would think about Bucky. He would think about their “date.” 

Steve wasn’t comfortable labeling it as one because Bucky wasn’t clear if he was asking him out. Steve was trying to wrap his head around Bucky, wanting him romantically. Steve was well… he wasn’t exactly what most people considered attractive. His face was fine- he thinks he’s not too harsh to look at. The issue was people saw his body as less than. He was short, barely 5’6, and was somewhat underweight, although he worked on eating more. It was usually other men shaming him. They saw him as less than a man because apparently, height and weight were everything. It didn’t help that he had suffered from other health issues that made people either see him as useless or pity him. 

He has dated in the past. The thing was, they weren’t positive experiences. His first girlfriend dated him out of pity. Back in high school, he always found himself getting harassed by his peers. They called him all kinds of names, and it didn’t help that Steve would fight back as if he stood a chance. That’s how he met his first girlfriend. Her name was Sharon. He had just gotten chased out of the bathroom by a group of boys in his grade and ran into in, dropping her books all over the floor. She saw the way he was drenched in water, how his lip was split, and his eyes bulging out of his head. Sharon helped him that day, getting him dry clothes from the lost and found. 

She was sweet, really, she was, but Steve still couldn’t forget the betrayal he felt when he learned she only asked him out because she thought it would make him feel better. That people would stop calling me him a faggot. That they’d stop getting uncomfortable when was in the locker. When she approached him one day at lunch and asked him if he wanted to catch a movie, he couldn’t see right through her intentions. They dated for a few months, but the relationship was doom from the start.

Sharon seemed to treat Steve like a lost puppy than her boyfriend, which made Steve feel even worse. It wasn’t that he hated being taken care of but more that he hated feeling babied. He was a year older than Sharon, yet she treated him like a freshman who couldn’t even walk down the hallway without her assistance. She would try carrying his books, hug him whenever the guys who always targeted Steve came around, and would always bring extra food because she assumed he just couldn’t afford lunch. He couldn’t, but it still didn’t feel right that she made him feel like some kind of project. 

He broke things off. He remembered how angry he was when he found out that she just felt bad for him. How much it bothered her seeing Steve get dragged into the field during gym. How people threw things at him during lunch. People would make offhand comments whenever he spoke up in class. They’d spread rumors that he was sleeping with the couch because of how he let Steve sit out during track. That’s when Sharon took it upon herself to “save” Steve. It ruined Steve, his confidence was low before Sharon, but once he found out her secret, it was nonexistent. It didn’t help that he was struggling with his sexuality. He did initially like Sharon before things became bad, but he also learned that he looked at other guys the way he looked at Sharon.

He didn’t tell anyone. He never even told his mother. He kept a lot of things from his mother. She was already struggling with her health and raising Steve, who also had his moments, leading to him being hospitalized. Steve didn’t want to add more stress to his mother. It's why to this day, he just wants to be left alone. He didn’t want to deal with people’s comments, people’s pity, but Bucky was different. Bucky’s approach was more endearing than anything. He never seemed to interact with Steve like he was broken. 

After high school, Steve tried going to clubs because that’s what people did his age. He would eventually find himself going to gay clubs when he built up the confidence. Still, after going a few times, Steve had given up on the dating scene. He met one guy that he went on consistent dates, and it was nice at first until it wasn’t, and Steve ended it. It was the only person he has ever been intimate with; it was an uneventful experience. Steve hasn’t tried to seek out anyone since then. It never felt enough for Steve. 

He didn’t want to be in a relationship, he enjoyed his company, but it didn’t change that he was extremely touched starved. He hadn’t realized how bad it was until Bucky began visiting him. He thought that was the only reason he felt tightness in his chest because he was just craving some form of affection. Still, when he began thinking of Bucky more, it was clear that Steve was starting to like the guy a little more than just a friend. He couldn’t ignore the long showers he would have in the morning after a not so innocent dream he had of Bucky. Was Steve ashamed of how he felt? No. He was passed that feeling a long time ago. He just wanted things to be good and what felt good was Bucky. 

Steve was back at the hospital to visit Peggy; he knew her schedule, and when she had her lunch break. So, they were right back at the cafeteria, and Peggy’s lunch was in front of Steve. She had sushi this time, and Steve wasn’t exactly a fan, but he ate it anyways because it made Peggy happy. “Can I ask you something, Steve?” Peggy suddenly said, her eyes not giving away anything. Steve nodded, taking a bite of her California role. “Have you been seeing someone?” she asked, causing Steve to choke on his food. He lets out a strained cough as he takes a sip of water. Peggy smirks at him, feeling like Steve already answered her question without saying a word. 

“What makes you think that?” Steve stuttered as he attempted to clear his throat. She rested her elbow on the table and propped her chin up. “Well, for one, you reacted like that, and two, you’ve been… a little occupied. You are very obvious, Steve,” She said in a cheery voice, grinning at the younger man. Steve knew his face was heating up, and it wasn’t helping his case in the slightest. He debated if he should vaguely tell Peggy about Bucky or just deny everything. He did want to talk to someone about Bucky. He wanted to gush over the man as if he was some schoolboy. He knew he would end up grinning like an idiot if he did so. Bucky had that effect on him. 

“What if I was… seeing someone?” Steve said, his voice lacking any confidence. Peggy covered her mouth; she attempts to hide her smile but fails as she lets out a squeal. “Oh, Steve. Who is she?” She asked softly. See, Peggy didn’t know he was bisexual. No one did. It wasn’t that he was worried that she wouldn’t accept him, but it was more that Steve just didn’t want to be out. The 80s was a rough decade for men like him, and it wasn’t any better now. Steve just wanted some peace, and if that’s letting people believe he was straight, then that’s what he is going to do. 

“Uh… She is just someone I kind of pumped into.” That was a lie. He was terrible at lying, but if he tried adding some truth to his statement, then maybe Peggy wouldn’t notice. “How did you guys meet?” Peggy asked. She raised her brow and watched Steve intently. “It was the night I left the hospital to take off my cast, and she needed a ride. I know that’s not the safest thing to do, but I gave her a ride… we got on so well on the ride back to her place that she gave me her number, and yeah.” That was a god-awful lie, but Peggy seemed to believe it.

  
“Steve, you know she could have been dangerous?” She said in a more lighthearted tone. Steve nodded because Bucky was probably dangerous. Steve knew that even if he didn’t want to believe it. Bucky’s profession was not conventional, and Steve didn’t need to know what he did to see that. It was apparent the night he saw Bucky in his car, the night Bucky came with a bloody arm only to find out it wasn’t even his blood. His vague description of his job with his father.

Sometimes, Steve just wanted Bucky to tell him that he was worried to tell Steve, but then there are times when Steve just wants their innocent encountering to last a little longer. He kind of liked the idea that Bucky came to him to escape because Steve, in a way, viewed him as a way to escape too. 

“I know, but it’s been a few months and- we are actually going out soon,” now Steve was smiling, a genuine smile that Peggy hasn’t seen in a while, and it makes her face soften at the sight of it. She reaches for Steve’s hand and gives it a little squeeze. “You really like her?” she said, and Steve nods. He wished he could tell Peggy the truth. That she was actually a he. 

He wanted to say his name and describe him to her, but this was all he could do for now. He also had to be careful not to say the wrong pronoun to Peggy. “I just don’t know if she likes me that way,” Steve then said, and it made Peggy frown, looking at him with a confused look. “But you said you guys are going out?” Peggy titled her head. Steve takes another bite of her sushi, attempting to buy him some time to think of a response. “Well… she asked me if she can take me out. I know. I know. I should have made the first move, but she asked me, and I don’t know if it’s just as friends or if it’s an actual date,” Steve drops his shoulders, Peggy gives him a sympathetic look. 

“There is nothing wrong with her, asking you out. When I met Daniel, I was the one who made the first move. Steve, I think she likes you,” Peggy said with a smile. “How do you know that?” Steve sounded almost defeated. “Well, I’m assuming you guys have been staying in contact. You got your cast-off in what? November? It’s now February. What did you guys do during those months?” Peggy asked, and oh did Steve’s face turn red, the reddest it could be. How can he explain to Peggy that he has been cuddling with Bucky? How just a few weeks ago, he gave the man a bath. How sometimes Bucky leaves kisses on his head and holds Steve like he was the most important thing in the world-

“Steve. You are whipped. Look at your face!” Peggy almost let out a giggle, but she was able to contain herself, her face brightening up in delight. Steve leaned back in his chair and attempts to cover his face with his hoodie. “I haven’t liked someone this much in a while, Peggy,” Steve confessed. It was almost sad because it had been a while since Steve had this intense feeling he had for Bucky. “Well, tell me about her!” Peggy’s voice filled with encouragement. Steve told her vague things about Bucky, leaving out the blood and staring and focusing on how gentle and caring Bucky was. Steve knew he didn’t know Bucky too well, but it was just how Bucky behaved around him. 

He tried being himself with Steve; he wasn’t trying to fool Steve about his intentions. It was a start, and Steve was willing to learn everything about Bucky. Even the bad stuff Bucky is so scared to tell him about. When Steve mentioned the cuddling, he had to cover his mouth to avoid smiling like an idiot, and it made Peggy’s eyes widen. “So, you’ve…” she trailed off, but Steve shook his head, almost too aggressively. “No… it’s just something we kind of started doing,” Steve shrugged. If he was honest, it was hard to pinpoint when and why they started holding each other, but it was now just something they did. “Steve. That’s so sweet- she definitely likes you. Don’t doubt that,” Peggy gives him a reassuring smile, pushing a strand of hair from her face. Steve looks down in embarrassment because the idea of Bucky liking him made his heart flutter. 

They talked so more, the subject shifting a little on what Steve should keep in mind on his date with Bucky. Peggy advised him to read the room first, to see what type of conversation to hold with Bucky since Steve mentioned how closed off she could be. She also told him to ask questions that would lead to other subjects being brought up to avoid questions like, “what’s your favorite color?” Steve knew these were apparent approaches, but it was nice to have someone directly tell you. Once Peggy’s break was over, they parted ways but not before Peggy pulls Steve into a hug and whispers good luck. Steve felt a lot better on his way home. He thought of things he and Bucky were going to do on their “date.”

Since Bucky was the one who asked him, he assumed it was Bucky who was planning what they would do. One thing that came to mind was after the “date” if it were, in fact, one, would Bucky kiss him? Steve couldn’t lie to himself; it was overpowering his thoughts. He wanted to feel Bucky’s lips against his, and it was eating him up to how badly he wanted to kiss Bucky last time he came to visit. Whenever Bucky cupped his cheeks or pressed his face against Steve’s, all Steve could think about was how close they were to kiss. 

When Steve arrived at his apartment, he found an envelope that had been slid under his door. Steve quickly grabbed it and opened it slowly, wanting to preserve it. He takes out the index card and scans through the note. It read:

March 13. I will meet you here at 8 pm. i̸̛͚͖̟͊̏̐̑͂͒̂̒̍̏́m̷̢̨̩̙̥̝̝̳͓̭̳͓͔͓̗̒̏͋̃̂̊̚i̸̛̠̘̯͕͈̒̔͂͂̏̐̇͛s̵̛̛͎̳̗̼̖͆̽́̀͐̂̌͐s̵̢̱͈͙͙̤̜̯̟̫̦̒̊͋̑͌͑́ȳ̸̧͈̺̠͎̺͓̠̫̫̃̑̊̐̓̊͑̏̿̀͐͘ͅơ̴̝̆̍̂̉̄̎̔̀͌͆̀ú̵̪̜̮͎̞̺̒̓͊̐̍̌̄̑̔̆ ̶̤̍́͆̔̿́̎͌̏͌̄ 

-Bucky

Steve’s heart stopped for a minute. He read over the note a few times before finally moving his eyes away from the note. He wasn’t able to read the scribble, but he could make out the letters mi. He smiles to himself because there was a day set now. Steve knew when he would see Bucky. He felt a burst of energy and found himself going straight to his desk and opening his sketchbook to start a new drawing. He would end up drawing a man that resembles Bucky on his new canvas and spend four hours painting it. The smile never leaving his face. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be something!


	6. City Moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve and Bucky go on a date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, this chapter should be rewarding. It’s definitely full of fluff so do enjoy yourself. I appreciate all the comments, really means a lot knowing people are reading a story I typed up randomly at work. Enjoy now!

♡

Steve was dressed. Steve had his hair brushed and "styled." Steve wasn't going to lie; he might have gotten some things to get ready for this "date." Steve went out shopping at a secondhand store and bought himself a knitted sweater. It looked like something his grandpa would wear. It was green and had a nice gingham pattern. Steve wore a brown flannel under the knitted sweater because he thought the collar would make him look less underdressed without looking too formal. He wore the worn-out jeans that were too big on him and had to use his belt's last hole to keep his pants from dropping. Steve even bought new shampoo and body wash because he wanted to smell nice, not being able to afford good cologne. He couldn't believe he was going all out for Bucky. 

Steve wanted to impress Bucky. He knew he probably didn't need to, but something inside Steve told him that he should look nice for Bucky. He sat at his desk, his legs jittery, his stomach empty and hands sweaty. It was 7:50 pm, and Steve was feeling a wave of emotion. He cleaned his place three times, unable to sit still, he even organized his drawers and kitchen cabinets. He didn't eat all day in fear he might get nauseous on his "date" with Bucky. Steve was excited, though. He really was. He felt like he was a teenager going on his first date. It felt fresh and new to him. Steve couldn't imagine what Bucky was feeling. He told Steve he never taken someone out before. This was new to Bucky.

The doorbell went off, and Steve jumped out of his seat, rushing to the door. He accidentally slams himself into the door but manages to poke his head and look through the peephole. It was Bucky. He was just on time! Steve was jittery, he was smiling too broad, and oh god, he needed to calm down. His cheeks were burning at how much he was smiling. He takes a few deep breaths before opening the door, Bucky's hands were suspiciously behind his back, but all Steve could focus on was how the man was dressed. He wore a black corduroy button-up shirt tucked into his dark brown dress pants and had the usual long trench coat that made him look even taller. Steve swore Bucky's hair got longer since their last encounter.

"Steve…" Bucky trailed off. His eyes were scanning Steve up and down. He stepped in a little closer, his hands still behind his back. His eye flicker up, looking directly at Steve's eyes and pulls out his hand to show the flowers he was holding. Steve's eyes widened because he wasn't expecting Bucky to- give him flowers that looked like they were ripped out from the ground. "You got me flowers," Steve's voice came out shaky as Bucky hands it to him. Bucky nodded calmly, watching Steve set it on the kitchen counter. Steve turned back to Bucky; he wasn't sure what to say, so he thanked Bucky for the flowers that now looked awfully like Mrs. Conner's flowers from the first floor who had flowers on her window box. 

Bucky then steps closer to Steve and places both hands on his shoulder. He pressed his chin against Steve's head and dipped his head so his face was buried into Steve's hair. They said nothing as they stood by the kitchen counter, Steve closing his eyes as he felt Bucky bring his close to his chest. "You look great, Steve," was the first thing Bucky said before pulling away. His eyes flickered open. Something was different about Bucky. It made Steve's muscles tense up. Just look at him.

Steve grabs his keys from his desk. He looks back at Bucky, who gestures to him to follow him. Steve turns off the lights to his apartment and locks the door behind him, walking beside Bucky as they leave the apartment complex. They walk down the dark block, a few people passing them by. It then dawns on Steve that they were headed to the train station. Steve didn't mind that he felt safe, knowing Bucky was beside him if he was completely honest. Every once in and while Bucky brushed his hand against Steve's hand. It brought comfort to the younger man. At one point, Steve swore Bucky was touching his hand on purpose. 

They walked in silence. Bucky would occasionally glance over at Steve as if to reassure himself that Steve was still with him. When they reached the train stop, Bucky walked in a more secluded area, away from the people that were at the stop. Bucky gently placed his hand on Steve's back and looked around. He had the same facial expression as the night in the hospital room. It was like a shield. A warning to everyone to not approach. No one looked at them, but it seemed like Bucky wanted to establish an atmosphere around him. Steve noticed how subtly people were suddenly on edge when Bucky did that. He could see the way they eyed the two men from the corner of their eyes, tighten their grip on their bags and coats. 

Steve wanted to ask Bucky where they were going but decided he liked the comfortable silence between them. Steve tried his best to not stare at Bucky, but he couldn't help it. Bucky was the only thing he wanted to look at. He made no mind to the group of talkative women standing nearby or the man dressed in all yellow, making him look like a human highlighter. Bucky was the only thing Steve could focus on. 

Their train arrives, and Bucky leaves his hand on Steve's back, leading him inside, and they sit all the way in the back where no one was seated. Bucky lightly pushes Steve's body to sit at the window seat, and Bucky sits down beside him. Bucky parts his leg, his thigh pressed against Steve's. Steve trembled a little when Bucky's hand slowly makes its way to Steve, lacing their fingers together. Steve tenses up, looking around the train, but no one paid no mind to them, so he relaxes into his seat and rubs his thumb against Bucky's hand. 

"Are you hungry?" Bucky whispers into his ear, sending shivers down Steve's neck. Steve didn't trust his voice; he simply nods, and Bucky leans back in his seat and stares out the window. Steve looked out at the buildings that passed them by, the city lights and dark streets below them while Bucky squeezed his hands. All Steve could feel was content. He didn't mind that the train lights were flickering. He didn't care that he didn't know where he was going. He couldn't deny how his anxiety was building up as they rode the train, but he knew he would be okay as long as Bucky was with him. 

"I don't usually take the train."

Steve turned his attention back to Bucky, who was still looking out the window. "I usually take a car or go by foot. The car is usually disposable too. But the train. I only take it when I come to see you," Bucky explained, finally meeting Steve's eyes. Bucky gives him a quick smile before looking back at the window. Steve found himself unable to respond, his first instinct was to rest his head on Bucky's shoulder, but they were in public. Two men holding hands discreetly was doable, but Steve trying to get any closer could lead to some problems. The rest of the train ride was silent. Still, they communicated through subtle touching, Bucky leaning against Steve to get a "closer look" at the window or how Bucky rubbed his thigh against Steve's. It was driving Steve up the wall. Twenty minutes later, they got off the train, their hands disconnecting and Bucky placing it back on Steve's back. He leads them to a beach. Steve's eyes went round as he realizes where Bucky was taking him. There was a carnival at the boardwalk. The lights were colorful and bright. Several people roamed around the area, laughing and running to each tent to play a probably rigged game. Steve looked to Bucky with disbelief. Bucky, the man who never been on a proper date, was taking Steve to a carnival. 

Bucky was tense. It seemed like he was trying his best not to stick out like a sore thumb with the way his eyes were practically bulging out. Steve notices immediately and places his hand on Bucky's arm, grabbing the older man's attention. "If this is too much for you, Bucky-" Steve gets caught off by Bucky, "I'll be fine." Steve nods and looks around once more before tugging at Bucky's sleeve and leading him down the crowded space. He could feel the way Bucky was on high alert, that he was trying his best to ease into his surroundings. Steve decided it would be best to try the boardwalk's games first before going one of the rides. 

He approaches the balloon dart game; Bucky squints and watches the father and daughter in front of them attempt to pop the balloons on the wall. "If things get too much, just tell me, okay?" Steve whispered, and Bucky nods. Steve quickly squeezes Bucky's arm before bringing his hand back to his side. The little girl pouts at her father, who frowns at the man behind the booth in front of them.

"These darts are dull," the man says in annoyance but takes out his wallet and hands the man behind the booth three dollars. Bucky observes as the man attempts to pop the balloons but only manages to pop one with the five darts he is given. Steve knew the games were usually set up for failure. Some were easy, like the water gun one in which you just have to beat the person you are playing against. Still, the majority of these were made so the people working at the booth could get men like the guy in front play until he could win a cheap stuffed animal. So, when the man lost, he pulled his daughter to the side and glared at the man behind the booth. Bucky takes a set forward, and before Steve could say anything, he hands the man three dollars and is given the darts. He attempts to give it to Steve, but Steve smiles and waves his handoff. 

Bucky turns back at the wall of balloons. He looked serious as he set the four darts down and eyed at one of the balloons he was targeting. "Get all five, and you win the big blue elephant. Get four, and you get the red monkey. Get the three, and you get a small bear." Bucky pays no mind to the man at the booth. He throws one dart and pops the first balloon. Steve doesn't say anything. He just watches as Bucky gets the second balloon, then the third, then the fourth, and then "you got all five!" the man announced. His voice sounded a little annoyed, but he still hands Bucky his prize. Steve swore his heart stopped momentarily when he saw a serious-looking Bucky holding the big blue elephant in his arm. His brows knitted, his lips pressed together as he steps away from the booth. 

Bucky side-eyes the little girl who was still lingering by the booth with the father. He was clearly wiped clean of cash. He looks at Steve, who nods, understanding what Bucky was trying to communicate to Steve. Bucky approaches the little girl, and the father automatically tense, placing his body between his daughter and Bucky. He hands the little girl the elephant, and her eyes go wide as she grabs it from Bucky. The father looks at Bucky with caution before giving him a wary smile and thanks Bucky. 

Bucky says nothing in return. He makes his way back to Steve, and they walk away from the games and begin approaching the rides. Steve reaches for Bucky's arm and gives it another light squeeze. "That was nice, Bucky," Steve said quietly. Bucky's eyes soften and give Steve half a smile. "You never played before?" With a playful tone, Steve then says this makes Bucky's shoulder relax, and he looks away from Steve, who was now smirking at him. "No, why?" Bucky asked, a little confused, but Steve shook his head, telling Bucky not to worry about it. 

They approached a ride called thunderbolt; it was one of the tamer rides. They stood on the line, which was pretty short, and Steve notices how anxious Bucky was getting. It wouldn't be noticeable to others, but Steve has been able to pick up certain things from Bucky's behavior. When Bucky was nervous, he would stiffen, his eyes frantically move, and his hands turn into a fist. Steve looks around and makes sure no one was around to see before grabbing Bucky's hand. He uses his body to hide their hands from any onlookers. 

Bucky looks down at him, a little stunned by Steve's action. "I'm right here. I meant what I said earlier." Bucky takes a minute, but he eventually lets out a shaky breath. Steve lets go of his hand once they get on the ride. When the ride begins to move, Bucky's hand immediately flies on top of Steve's hands as the ride picks up speed. It went in circles, Bucky's hair got in his face, and Steve couldn't help but laugh.

When they got off the ride, Bucky was chuckling a little. He hooks his arm around Steve's shoulder and brings him close. They continue walking around the boardwalk, Steve playing a few games and winning some, and Bucky watching in support. Steve doesn't end up keeping most of the prizes, abandoning them at one of the tables by the food court. They try the more "scarier" rides, and without fail, Bucky always grabbed Steve's hand. He never looked terrified, just worked up, but he eventually let himself go, just a little at least. 

The highlight of Steve's night was when Bucky tried the strength game. He took off his coat and handed it to Steve. He even rolled up his shirt, showing his strong arms, and it made Steve feel a certain way. Not to anyone shock that Bucky was able to reach the bell on the top, he smiled darkly at Steve, causing his chest to tighten as he handed Bucky back his coat. The women hands Bucky a stuffed Winnie the pooh bear that was half Steve's size. Bucky turns to Steve and gives it to him, smiling a lot wider than before. 

Steve decided he would take this one home. They were able to make small talk whenever they were on the line for any of the rides. Steve told Bucky how he never was able to go to places that required many physical activities. Even when he begged his mother that he was able to handle it. She always refused him. It then led to Bucky explaining to Steve that his father had no interest in taking him out to places that a kid his age would enjoy going to.

"He would say… I didn't take you in to spoil you," Bucky said. Something in his eyes shifted. It looked sorrowful. "How old were you when he took you in?" Steve found himself asking, "I was seven. I think the only memory I have of myself doing anything I enjoyed was this little league baseball team I was in." Bucky flashes a strained smile. The line began to move as they continued talking. "I never thought you were the kind of guy to be into sports," Steve said, attempting to lighten the conversation up. He wanted to ask Bucky about his days before he was adopted, but he knew it wasn't the time or place to talk about it. "I won you that bear, didn't I? I always been good at swinging," Bucky chirped, his face lighting up. Steve let out a small chuckle, thankful that he could keep their conversation going in a more positive direction.

After an hour and a half, they decided it was time to eat and headed to the food court. They settled for cheese fries and water and decided to eat away from everyone. There were picnic bench tables by the almost empty beach. They sat across from one another and began eating. Bucky aggressively stabbing at his fries with a fork before looking up at Steve.

"Did you like it?" Bucky asked. He sounded worried. Steve gave him a reassuring smile and placed his hand over Buckys. "I loved it," Steve said. Bucky lets out a sigh of relief. Steve had the stuffed bear sit beside him, glancing over it to remind himself that Bucky did win it for him. "What made you think of taking me here?" Steve suddenly asked. He was already halfway through his fries and just wanted to listen to Bucky talk. Steve was feeling gooey but in the right way. This had to be a date. Yes, Steve was still trying to put together whether Bucky took him out as friends or as his date.

"I've seen this place before. A few times actually, they open once a month, and every time I pass by it… you came to mind," Bucky rubs the back of his neck. He was struggling with his voice a little. Steve presses his lips together to prevent himself from smiling. He did enough of that today, and his cheeks were beginning to hurt. "I was worried I wouldn't be any fun," Bucky admits, looking off to the carnival. Maybe one or two people were walking down the beach, but other than that, Steve and Bucky were utterly alone. "Why do you say that?" Steve asked frowning. Bucky looks at Steve with hesitation, opening his mouth before closing it again. He pushes his now-empty plastic bowel to the side and reaches for Steve's right hand, holding it with both hands. 

"I'm so… I never wanted this before. I didn't have that desire. So, I never learned to be normal. I know I never told you my line of work…" Bucky pauses for a moment. He looks away, clearly trying to muster the strength to continue. Steve pushes his bowel to the side, moving his chest closer to the edge of the table and placing his left hand over Bucky's hand. Bucky looks back at Steve, he smiles a little, he seems to be able to find the strength to talk again. 

  
"Socializing can be hard for me when I'm trying to be myself. I usually have to pretend for my father. He tells me what I need to do, how to act, and what needs to get done. I have no say. It's been like that since the beginning. I sometimes feel like… he took something from me. I don't even understand why you want me around. I have nothing. There is nothing to me, Steve. All I am is this job," Bucky was beginning to shake in frustration. He gritted his teeth, and Steve quickly found himself rushing to Bucky's side. He wraps his arm around Bucky and presses his face against his side. 

Steve whispers Bucky's name a few times as he rubs the man's back. Bucky leans into the touch but keeps his head down. "Bucky, look at me," Steve whispered. His voice was comforting and soft. Bucky doesn't move, and Steve finds himself whispering Bucky's name a few times before Bucky finally turning to meet Steve's gaze. His eyes were dark. It reminded Steve of the look Bucky had back at the hospital.

"I couldn't stop thinking about today. I even bought this sweater because I wanted to look nice for y- tonight. You're more than that. More than a job," Steve said, but Bucky's expression didn't change. He didn't seem persuaded by Steve's words. It didn't discourage Steve, however. He had come to learn that Bucky needed reassurance, and he was fine having to tell Bucky repeatedly how much he cares about him.

"I liked the way you tried winnings for me… even the elephant. You gave it to that little girl without anyone telling you. You just did it. I know that might not mean much to you, but it… I just like seeing you do the small things. I think that's what counts. The fact that you even took me here really- You probably don't like something so public and crowded, and you still took me here. You went on all the rides, even the ones I saw you didn't like-" Steve let out a sigh, rubbing small circles on Bucky's back "-Bucky, what I'm trying to say is… there is a lot of things I like about you," Steve was struggling a little with his words. He wasn't the kind of guy who said the right things. He had kept to himself for so long that now he forgot how to actually talk to people properly. He knew Bucky was struggling as well. The man was practically heating up when he tried to express himself. 

Bucky seemed to calm down; however, his legs no longer shaking, and his hands go limp. Steve took his free hand and laced it with Buckys. It was getting cold; Steve's nose and cheeks began to turn red. Bucky moved away from Steve just for a minute to shrug off his coat and draped it over Steve's shoulder. "Thank you," Bucky said, this time. He wrapped his big arm around Steve's shoulder and brought him closer to his side to warm him up.

Steve wasn't sure why Bucky was thanking him. Steve just knew Bucky always seemed to know how to care for Steve without it feeling too much. He wasn't like Sharon. "I wanna do this again. There are other places I want to take you," Bucky said calmly. He rests his temple against Steve's head, and once again, his hand makes its way to Steve's hair. They were in public, but it didn't seem to stop Bucky. "Really?" Steve said, he sounded a little surprised as he leaned closer to Bucky neck. He slowly wrapped his arms around Bucky's midsection. His urges to kiss Bucky was becoming more apparent. He wanted- no, he needed to kiss Bucky. "Yes." Steve smiles into Bucky's neck. He was filled with joy. It was a new feeling, and Steve was welcoming it. 

"A picnic."

"Mhm?" Steve hummed in confusion. "I've been to the parks. I see couples go for picnics," Bucky explained stiffly, but Steve could hear his attempt at sounding casual. Steve's face heats up at Bucky's word choice. He nuzzles into Bucky a little more, hoping that maybe Bucky would go back home with him to sleep. "Picnics usually happen during the day," Steve pointed out, he has never seen Bucky during the day, and he knew why. "We can't do it at night?" Bucky asked. He sounded confused, and it made Steve chuckle because Bucky manages to sound so innocent while looking intimidating.

"Whatever you want, Buck. I'll be right there," Steve answered honestly, which received him a kiss on the head, or Steve thinks it's Bucky kissing his head. "I want to know everything about you," Bucky then said. This time he sounded a bit more serious. "What do you want to know?" Steve asked. He closes his eyes and listens to Bucky's heartbeat. It… was beating fast. Was Bucky nervous? "What were you like as a kid?" Steve smiled at the question because this was the first thing Bucky wanted to know. "Well, I was kind of a brat. I was a sick kid. Still, kind of sick when I don't take care of myself but when I was little it was bad, my mom was struggling to care for me," Steve sighed sadly at the memory of his mother. He blinks a few times to avoid crying before continuing. 

"That didn't really stop me, though, for being the loudest kid in my school. I never knew how to shut up, you know. Anytime someone was being mean or picking on someone, I was always there trying to help. But like now, I wasn't exactly intimidating. So, I may have gotten beat up a lot or harassed, but- I mean, it's the right thing to do," Steve huffed. He remembered how much he dreaded going to school. There never went a day where someone didn't pick on Steve. He was an easy target. Steve was weak physically, but he was annoying to many kids and even to the teachers. 

They didn't like the way he came off. Many times, the teachers would side with the people who made Steve's life a living hell. Like Sharon, some people felt bad, but all Steve wanted was someone to just treat him like a person. He didn't want pity; he didn't want to be babied. He wanted someone to just try to understand him, but it was the late 70s and early 80s, and people just weren't kind to people like Steve. "So, you would get into fights?" Bucky asked. He sounded amused, and it made Steve chuckle. "A lot of them. I think after senior year, I stopped. That didn't mean people stopped bothering me- You saw how far people can go the night we met. I just try avoiding trouble now," Steve frowned, it wasn't that Steve no longer had that urge to get involved in things he had no business getting into, but life was slowly sucking him dry. 

"What happened during senior year?" Bucky asked. Steve inhaled as Bucky ran his fingers through his hair.

"A lot of things happened all at once. I learned that the girl I was dating was only with me out of pity. My mom lost her job that paid the most, so we couldn't afford much, and she started getting sick… it was just getting worse. I never cared that people picked on me. Others have it worse. I could handle it, but then my mother got involved- I would rather have to deal with beatings daily if it would mean my mom would never have to deal with the pain she went through. I even got a job- my grades were suffering, but I didn't care," Steve's voice was trembling. He tried to slow his breathing down, but he was never good at holding back when it came to talking about his mother. It was like a trigger for him. If you wanted to make, Steve cry just bring up his mother. That will do the trick.

"I hate thinking about my life when she was around- it just reminds me how much I miss her. She did everything to keep me alive as a kid, and she worked three jobs to get the things I needed. I knew I was a lot to handle, but not once did she ever complain." Bucky pulls away slightly from Steve so that both his hands were on Steve's cheeks, their eyes meeting each other. Steve tries to blink the tears away as Bucky wiped them off gently. He looked unsure, but he gave Steve a sympathetic look. Steve felt dumb for crying. He didn't want to make it about himself. He didn't even want to bring up his mother. Steve didn't want to burden Bucky with his emotional problems, but Bucky wasn't bothered by mood change from its looks. 

  
"I'm sorry. I really don't have anything too interesting to say. I kind of left everything behind after she died. I moved to a pretty cheap neighborhood, got a low paying job, and I'm doing okay," Steve shrugged. He really didn't know what else to do besides survive. "I tried, in the beginning, to make something out of myself. I tried dating, but it never felt right, and I can't really handle….." Steve has to stop for a moment to catch his breath. He tried to just focus on the feeling of Bucky's hand on his face. "I can't really handle people. I- I don't want that emotion that comes with caring for someone. It's overwhelming, and I feel it everywhere. I haven't even given it a thought when you started coming around, and now that I'm saying everything out loud, I realize how— I sound dumb. I'm sorry," Steve shuts down. He shook his head in embarrassment.

Why was he pouring himself out to Bucky? He was going to scare the man away, and he didn't want to do that. He didn't wish to overwhelm Bucky, who was struggling with his own emotional issues. "I understand, Steve." Bucky stuttered; he moves his hands slowly down Steve's neck and rubs it with his thumbs. 

"There have been times where people have tried to get close to me. Some had bad intentions, but there were ones who saw something more. I just never felt anything…" Bucky pauses for a moment. Every word he said sounded as if he was in pain. His voice was choppy and slow, but Steve followed, his tears drying on his cheek. "I feel everything too sometimes, but when it counts, I feel nothing. I can't explain it. I think maybe that's it for me. I'm… I remember when I first saw you, and I felt curious. I kept staring at you, and I wasn't thinking logically… I gave you water? I don't know why. I don't know why I even bothered to stay as long as I did. I was planning on slipping out, but I liked your company," Bucky slowly moved his hands down the edges of the coat that still draped over Steve's shoulder and tucked it, making sure Steve was bundled up. 

"I don't think these things make sense. Emotions. One minute it feels right, and the next, you feel bad for even feeling it in the first place. I don't know, Steve… I can't promise you I'm worth opening up to, but if it makes you feel better, I feel-" Bucky cuts himself off. He looks down at his hands that were still gripping onto the coat. Steve waits for a response, but he could see that Bucky was holding back. He pressed his lips together and doesn't meet Steve's gaze. Steve looks around. It was getting quieter, people were beginning to leave, and Steve knew they had to get back. 

"Bucky. Will you take me home?" Steve asked softly. Bucky looks up quickly, and his eyes land on Steve's mouth before nodding. They get up, Bucky grabbing the bear and letting Steve wear the coat that was trailing down the sand. They stayed close, their sides pressing together as they made their way back to the train station. If Steve was alone, he'd be a bit fearful by the people that were at the station, but Bucky was beside him, Steve reminded himself. Bucky could easily be lumped into one of the people Steve felt uneasy around.

One man looked at them with amusement. He gave them a toothy grin and tried to approach. He smelt of moldy food and appeared to have stains on his shirt, but once Bucky looked at the man with his piercing eyes, the man froze in place. Even with how Bucky was holding a stuffed bear, the man never failed to look frightful. Once they got on the train, they went to the back, and their hands found their way to each other. This time Bucky kept his eyes trained on the people on the train. Steve tried to ignore the two conflicting emotions he was feeling. The first one being the tension that was building up in his chest, his cheeks were red, and his ability to sit still was lacking at best. Steve wanted Bucky, and having to hold back from touching him was becoming harder. 

Especially with the way Bucky held his cheeks no less than an hour ago. The second feeling he was getting was dread. Dread because Bucky might not stay the night. He might just take him home and leave. Steve hated the idea of letting go of Bucky, especially now. Especially when Steve's body was becoming warm, his heart was pumping faster, and Bucky was radiating heat beside him. Bucky turned to Steve, his dull eyes changing within seconds. They were filled with longing; the man parted his lips a little before shifting in his seat. He moves a little closer to Steve but says nothing. His eyes flicking back and forth to Steve's lips and eyes before settling with watching the window. 

They get off their stop, and now it was twelve in the morning, and they were still holding hands as they walked down the empty dark streets of Steve's neighborhood. Bucky was leading the way as if he was taking Steve to his own place. Did Bucky have his own place, or was he subjected to living with his father? Steve felt the blood go straight to his head and maybe a little in his pants as he felt Bucky's hand tighten around his own hand. They made their way into Steve's building. The lights in the hall flicker while they approached his door. Steve dropped Bucky's hand and dug his hand into his pocket. His back was facing Bucky, but he could sense the man's stare. Bucky was close to him. Steve could feel Bucky's breath hit the back of his neck, and it makes Steve's stomach clench.

He struggles with his hand. It's shaking as he attempts to shove it in the keyhole. Once he opens the door, the two men enter Steve's apartment, and Bucky closes the door behind him. Steve doesn't even turn on the lights. He just waits for his eyes to adjust to the darkness while Bucky sets the bear on Steve's mattress. He looks back at Steve who's back is still facing him. "Steve," Bucky breathes, and Steve finally turns to face Bucky. Steve isn't able to talk. All he can do is stare at Bucky, who was standing a little close to Steve. 

Steve awkwardly kicks off his shoes, still keeping his eyes on Bucky, who does the same thing. So Bucky… was staying? Steve wasn't thinking straight. Bucky was giving him a look Steve was unfamiliar with and therefore scared Steve. "Steve," Bucky muttered again, he steps a little closer, and Steve's legs get a little weak. He sits on the edge of his mattress, and Bucky gently gets on his knees to be eye level with Steve. The man reaches for his shoulder for a moment before changing his mind and placing his hands firmly on Steve's cheeks.

Steve's breath hitches when Bucky's nose touches Steve's, he was cold, but all Steve could focus on was Bucky's breath hitting his lips. Steve didn't trust himself to move, his eyes focused on Bucky's mouth. "Steve," Bucky sighed before he closed the gap between the two, his lips pressed against Steve's. Steve closes his eyes, moving his lips along with Bucky as he places his hand on Bucky's wrist. Steve's chest was pounding, his mind was scattered as he focused on how soft Bucky felt against his lips. Something in Steve wanted to pull Bucky close, but he allowed Bucky to take control.

The kiss was slow and soft, Bucky giving Steve small kisses on the corner of his mouth before capturing Steve's lips again. Bucky pushes Steve's body back, so he was lying on the bed while Bucky hovered over him. Steve's felt his whole body vibrate as he felt his bottom lip gently get sucked on by Bucky, his face titling as his hands slightly drag down Steve's neck. 

Steve felt Bucky's tongue pressing against his bottom lip, and he parted his mouth, allowing him to deepen the kiss. Bucky tugs the coat off Steve's body, causing Steve to sit up slighting, not breaking the kiss as he tossed the coat to the side. Steve lets out an unexpected moan once he feels Bucky's crotch pressed against his own, but he keeps his hands to Bucky's side. Bucky pulls away only to begin kissing the corner of Steve's mouth again. This time Bucky drags his lips down his cheeks and jaw. Steve's breathing is heavy, Bucky's weight on top of him and how Bucky was trailed down his neck made Steve's cheeks flushed. 

His hair sticking to his head, which Bucky takes notice, pushes it to the side, reconnecting their lips. Steve wasn't sure if it was real, Bucky, the date, the kiss. It felt good. It felt right. He wasn't sure if he was going to wake up any second, so he allowed himself to enjoy the way Bucky's hand crept under Steve's shirt. Steve was slightly hard, but he didn't intend on going any further than kissing, even if his body was screaming at him for more.

"Bucky," Steve whimpered against Bucky's lips. Bucky hummed, making the kiss wetter. Both men were becoming more eager as they pressed against one another and allowed their hips to rub uncomfortably through their pants. Steve attempts to repeat Bucky's name but feels the man's fingers trail down his bare chest, his hand still under his shirt, and let out another whimper. 

"Don't… leave," Steve painted into the kiss. Bucky just simply nodded. He brought his hand on Steve's back and shifted their body position so that they were laying on their sides. Steve attempts to move from the kiss, but Bucky pulls him back in, and Steve instantly melts into it, Bucky's other hand on the back of his neck. Their legs were tangled, and their arms were tightly gripping at one another. They stayed like this for a while—neither of the men parting unless to catch their breath before eagerly pressing their lips together. "Steve," Bucky sighed as they found their way back to the first position, Steve's pinned down the bed. 

It wasn't helping that the rule Steve established for himself on how he wouldn't move past kissing was becoming hard to follow. His dick twitching every time Bucky let out a pleasurable sigh. Bucky pressed his own hip against Steve's, and to his surprise, Bucky was also hard. The warmth of Bucky's bulge poking at Steve was bringing a different kind of pleasure to him.

Bucky does eventually pull away and rests his forehead against Steve's, panting. They stared at it each other in silence, the little light coming to the window illuminating their face ever so slightly. "Steve," Bucky said, his voice was dark but vulnerable. Steve traces his fingers along Bucky's jawline, trying to catch his breath. Both men look down to see the noticeable budge peaking through their pants. "Not tonight," Bucky then said. He looks back up at Steve, who nods in agreement. "You'll stay, though?" Steve asked, a little worried that Bucky might change his mind, but the man smiles softly. He gives him a slow and drawn out kiss before pulling away, "yes," Bucky breathed.

Bucky helped Steve take off his knitted sweater, which was now making it hard for Steve to breathe. Bucky even yanks Steve's pants off, making Steve looks away shamelessly because Bucky had never seen any parts of his body, and he was getting a look at how skinny Steve really was. The older man's hand lingered a little on Steve's thigh before shaking his head. Steve helped Bucky out of his clothes and handed him an extra shirt but no pants. This time Steve doesn't explain himself. Bucky watches as Steve takes off the second shirt he was wearing and quickly puts on his pajamas, almost tripping when he steps into his pants.

They freshen up in the bathroom separately, Steve going second. So, when he exits the bathroom, Bucky was already under the covers. The bear was now prompt up against the wall. Steve quickly gets into bed and allows Bucky to pull him into his arm. This time the man confidently plants his lips against Steve's before he settles into bed. "Thank you, Bucky," Steve whispered into Bucky's chest, his arms wrapping around Bucky's midsection. "For?" Bucky asked. "Tonight…" Steve trailed off. Bucky sighed happily against Steve's forehead; his response was a small kiss on the forehead. The two drift off to sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is gonna be something else! Will update soon


	7. Sleep in Deep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pretty long. Kind of a heavy one, lots of fluff but also lots of angst. In this chapter there will be mentions of abuse, specifically physical abuse as well as dialogue mentioning sexual abuse. So there is your warning. As I stated in the first chapter, this story is a working progress and I have only written 8 chapters. So I do apologize if updates gets slowed down.

♡

Steve was surprised when he woke up to find Bucky in bed with him. Steve had to make sure he didn't see things. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and looks back at Bucky. He was, in fact, holding Steve to his chest. Steve's eyes went to the window, the sun was out, and his room was brightly lit. Steve sighs into Bucky's chest. The feeling of Bucky's bare legs pressed against his sent shivers down his spine. Steve thinks of saying something. He was worried if he woke Bucky up that the man would panic. Maybe he overslept, and it was a mistake on his part for still being in Steve's bed, but maybe Bucky wasn't planning on leaving in the morning. Either way, Bucky was here with Steve, and that's all Steve ever wanted, to be able to wake up beside him.

"Steve," Bucky murmured, his voice sounded sluggish. Steve feels Bucky tightening his hold on him. Bucky adjusts himself so that he was now lying on his back, and Steve's head was resting on his chest. Steve could now get a better look at Bucky. His heart dropped at the sight of the dozy men. His hair was slightly messy, his cheek flushed, and his lips were puffy. Bucky's eyes were still closed, but he seemed to be able to sense that Steve was awake. "Bucky… you didn't leave," Steve said in a tranquil voice. Bucky exhales into Steve's hair. "I woke up… a few hours ago to leave," there was a pause. Steve keeps his eyes trained on Bucky, who has yet to open his eyes. "But I couldn't. I want to stay just a little longer," Bucky spoke softly. Steve smiled to himself. He has always wanted this. He always wanted to wake up to Bucky.

Steve's chin was now resting on Bucky's right peck, his arms still wrapped around his midsection. "Long enough for breakfast?" Steve cooed, and that's when Bucky opened his eyes, squinting at Steve with interest. "Is it okay if we can just lay down just a little longer?" Bucky asked. Steve nods and moves so that they were at eye level. They both lay on their side, and Bucky places one hand on Steve's cheek, stroking it. Bucky blinks a few times, his eyes trying to adjust to the light. 

For a brief moment, Bucky did nothing but stare. So, Steve was taken aback when Bucky moved closer, connecting their lips. Steve lets out a sound in the back of his throat. Before Steve has a chance to lean into the kiss, Bucky pulls away. "I really…" Bucky trails off but doesn't finish his thought, going back for another kiss. It was soft. Bucky was so gentle that it made Steve dizzy. Bucky moving his lips slowly, his fingers curling around Steve's hair. Bucky licks Steve's bottom lip, getting him to open his lips slightly. Steve hesitantly runs his fingers through Bucky's hair, gripping it gently, causing Bucky to let out a low moan against Steve's lips. 

Steve tries his best to ignore the reaction his lower half was getting. The mixer of Bucky's warm and wet kisses made Steve's body react in ways he hasn't felt in a while. Bucky's kisses were becoming eager. Like the night before, he manages to get on top of Steve. His elbows holding his weight as he tugged at Steve's hair. All Steve could do was cup Bucky's cheek, feeling his long strand of hair tickle Steve's flushed cheeks. "Bucky…" Steve let out, his weak attempt at stopping the kiss, but it seemed like it made Bucky want more. His lips pressing hard against Steve's that it made Steve's dick twitch.

He can feel Bucky's hips pressed against his. Steve had no doubt in his mind that Bucky's body was reacting the same way as Steve's. It made it impossible for Steve not to just move past the kissing, but he needed to restrain himself. After a few minutes, Bucky pulls away. His lips were slightly wet, his eyes were unreadable, and all Bucky could do was breathe heavily as he buries his face between the nook of Steve's neck. Steve wraps his arms around Bucky and tries his best to ignore the sensation in his pants. "What do you want to eat, Buck?" Steve asked once he found his voice. Bucky responds by pressing small kisses on Steve's neck, causing the younger man's breath to hitch. 

"Could I make you breakfast in bed, Bucky?" Steve found himself asking, his heart was beating fast, and he felt this overwhelming feeling of wanting to care for Bucky. It seemed to grab the older man's attention because he pulled himself up, their eyes meeting. Bucky was still on top of Steve. "In bed?" Bucky was taken back by Steve's question. Steve nods and reaches for Bucky's hair. "I can bring it to you. Eat-in bed together," Steve flashes a smile. Bucky presses a small kiss on the corner of Steve's lips, then another kiss but this time on Steve's cheek, and before he knew it, Bucky was kissing down his jaw and neck. "Okay," Bucky then mumbled, rolling off of Steve but keeping his eyes trained on him. 

Steve sits up, rubbing his eyes and getting a good look at Bucky. He looked different. Not in a bad way. He looked more open. That's the only way Steve could put it. "I'll just run to the bathroom. I think you should do the same while I make you food," Steve builds up the courage to give a quick peck on Bucky's cheek and gets a positive reaction from the man who smiles shyly at Steve. He runs to the bathroom and stares at himself in the mirror. Bucky really did have an effect on Steve. He felt like he was walking on clouds. His mind was focused on Bucky and how he was waiting for him in bed. 

Steve made sure he looked presentable before exiting the bathroom, brushing his teeth slightly longer than usual. He was already worried that his morning breath would bother Bucky. It didn't seem to stop Bucky from kissing him, but Steve still wanted to make sure he was all good for Bucky. His hair was now brushed, his face washed, and that he didn't have a tent in his pants. Steve tells Bucky that he could use the bathroom before walking into the kitchen. The perks of having a one-room apartment were that the kitchen was just a few feet away from his bed, so he wasn't exactly leaving Bucky alone. 

That meant when Bucky finally came out of the bathroom, Steve was comforted with Bucky's presence when the man returned to his bed. Steve was heating up frozen waffles, it was all he could afford, but he knew how to make them taste as if it was made from the batter. Steve could feel Bucky staring. He even took a few glances to make sure that was the case. Bucky seemed to have fixed the covers. The bear was adjusted, so it was no longer facing down the bed. Bucky was lying down on his side watching Steve, waiting for Steve. It made Steve rush himself. He wanted to be back in Bucky's arms.

Steve warmed up a few waffles. He even added strawberries on the side and grabbed a fork. He made sure to grab a cup of water and approached Bucky, who quickly perked up. Steve set the cup on the nightstand and handed the plate to Bucky. He sat beside Bucky, his back against the wall, and watched as the man cut the waffle with his fork and took a bite. "Are you not going to eat?" Bucky asked, still chewing as he looked at Steve with a confused look. Steve had forgotten entirely about making himself a plate. He was utterly focused on feeding Bucky. A part of him knew he wanted to savor every minute he could get with the man. Steve shrugged. He brought his knee to his chest and wrapped his arm around his legs. "It's fine. I'm not hungry," Steve said, but Bucky just moved closer to him. He stabs his fork into a strawberry, holds the fork to Steve's face, and waits for Steve to open his mouth.

Bucky was going to feed Steve now, and Steve was going to let him. He opened his mouth and takes a bite of the strawberry. Bucky flashes a quick smile before taking a bite for himself. They do this in silence for a few minutes, taking turns to eat while Bucky took sips of his water. It was nice. This is what Steve wanted. He wanted to have Bucky with him in the morning. Even if they weren't talking, Steve enjoyed his company. Once they finished their breakfast, Bucky took the plate and cup and brought them to the sink. Steve got comfortable, he laid back down and waited for Bucky. The older man returned, lying beside Steve, and bringing the smaller man closer to his chest, his hand found its way to Steve's cheek. 

Steve wanted to ask Bucky about the kiss. He wasn't sure what this was leading to, but it definitely wasn't leading to anything platonic. Steve was hoping it wasn't. He enjoyed their night together. Everything about it was perfect. Steve wanted to have those moments with Bucky, and he hoped Bucky wanted the same. 

"Steve."

Steve snapped out of thought and looked up to meet Bucky's gaze, "yeah?" he said softly. Bucky looked unsure with himself, his eyes darting around the room. "Last night…" he trailed off, he seemed to be looking for the right words, and Steve waited patiently. "Did it mean something to you?" Bucky finally said, his face read wary, and Steve knew why Bucky seemed worried to ask. He doubted their interaction the same way Steve was. Steve moved up a little, so his head was now resting on Bucky's arm. His face reddens once they faced one another. "Yes," Steve stuttered, "what about you?" Steve asked in a shaky voice. He wanted to smack himself across the head for being so nervous, but Bucky simply let out a sigh, running his thumb across Steve's cheek. 

"Yeah… I kept telling myself from the start of the night that I was going to kiss you…" Bucky's eyes were wide; it was kind of terrifying, but Steve stayed calm under the man's touch. "I was worried you'd… that you didn't feel the same way," Bucky's eyes relaxed a little, but the man stayed tense the entire time he spoke. "I never had that urge before. To want to be so close to someone. When you kissed me back, I kind of lost it a little," Bucky wasn't done talking. Steve knew that, so he stayed silent. He knew what Bucky meant by losing himself in the kiss, the way Bucky didn't seem to want to let go that it made Steve feel heavy in his chest because he has never had someone want him so badly before. Steve could recall how he was shriving from the touch, his body reacting to Bucky's wet lips against his while his hand was under Steve's shirt. Just thinking about it made Steve heat up. 

  
"So, it didn't feel right to leave. I need to know- I need to know if we are… are we going anywhere with this?" it wasn't the first time Bucky has sounded frustrated. Still, it always surprised Steve by how much Bucky cared when he talked to Steve. He always seemed to try his best to find the right words, to find the right way to approach Steve, "I was hoping we were," Steve said, and that seemed to loosen up Bucky. "Would that mean it would be you and me? Together?" Bucky sounded almost childlike, and it made Steve chuckle to himself because- well, Bucky looked at Steve with such a stern expression yet was so nervous to ask Steve if he liked him.

"Yes… I want that. Do you want that?" Steve asked. He found himself roil at his own words. Still, Bucky's wide smiled distracted him from whatever embarrassing feeling he was experiencing. "Yes.". Bucky pulled him into his arms, Steve's face pressed against Bucky's warm neck. Bucky began kissing his head, whispering something that Steve couldn't quite hear. "You sure you want this, Steve? That you want to be with me?" Bucky then said, and it made Steve's heart drop a little. He pulls away from a little and stares at Bucky with a worried look. 

"Why would you ask?" Steve said. It seemed like Bucky noticed the fear in Steve's voice because he quickly cradles Steve's cheeks. "I'm not reliable. I can be gone for weeks, months at a time. I don't exactly have much to offer to you," Bucky said in a defeated tone, but Steve shook his head. "You need to stop putting yourself down. I know that I won't be able to see you the way I want to, but- I know… I know what I'm getting myself into it. I see no reason for you to think I won't want you when- that's all I want, Bucky," Steve sounded almost exhausted. He wasn't used to talking about his emotions. It was taking everything in him not to collapse into Bucky's arms. 

"You deserve better than me. You deserve better than me coming once a month."

"It can't be helped, Bucky, but that doesn't mean you don't deserve a relationship," Steve blushed at his own word choice. He felt like he was seventeen again, asking Sharon what they were because they never made it clear that they were dating. "Okay… but you have to promise me- promise me that if I'm gone longer than I should that you won't wait for me. I can't let you worry about me because of what I do," Bucky said in a more serious tone. Steve's throat clicks over a swallow. Bucky's eyes were dark and remote. All Steve could do was nod and say, "Okay, Bucky. I promise." It was a lie. In Steve's mind, he was willing to wait. Steve didn't want to think about Bucky never coming back. He didn't want anyone besides Bucky. Steve tried ignoring the anxiety that was building up in his chest. Bucky was with him now. 

  
They stayed in bed for another hour before Bucky had to leave. It was the first time Steve watched Bucky getting ready to go, and he wasn't sure which one was worse: waking up alone or watching Bucky leave. Either way, Steve was trying his best to hide the hurt in his face. He sat on the edge of the mattress and watched as Bucky changed back into his own clothes. Bucky would look over at Steve with a soft smile as he did so, he sat beside Steve once he grabbed his shoes and pressed a small kiss on Steve's shoulder. While Bucky put on his shoes, Steve leaned against Bucky's side, giving him a down casted gaze. He knew it was going to get harder from here on now. 

Bucky tilted his head, facing Steve. He let out a sigh and moved closer to Steve's face so that their lips were inching away from one another. "I'll see you, Steve," he whispered before pressing his lips against Steve's. It was an eager kiss as Bucky cupped Steve's jaw. They eventually pull away, Bucky resting his forehead against Steve's. Bucky let out a sigh before getting up from the mattress and making his way to the front door. Before he could grab the knob, Steve rushes off of his bed, "wait, Bucky." Bucky gives him a puzzled look but stands still as Steve rummages through his desk. He then walks towards Bucky; he grabs Bucky's hand and places a key into the man's hand. "In case I'm not home, you can just use this… I don't want to risk missing a visit," Steve said, looking away from Bucky's stare. He can already feel his face heating up. Bucky lets out a shaky laugh and places both hands on Steve's arm, pressing a small kiss on his lips. "Okay… Thank you, Steve," Bucky's voice breaks, his jaws clenching. 

Steve watched as Bucky walks out of his apartment, and then it hit Steve all at once. He was just on a date with Bucky. Bucky kissed him. They were together now. Steve slide onto the floor, he could feel the emotions run through his head, and it was becoming overwhelming for him to handle. He could do this; he could be in a relationship with Bucky. He could wait for weeks and even months for Bucky. It wasn't like Steve wasn't already doing that in the first place. He just needed to keep pushing. 

  
It was Thursday, Steve was on the floor helping people on the floor. It was pretty slow; Steve wasn't sure if he was happy about it or not. On the one hand, there were fewer customers to deal with, but on the other hand, time was going slow, really slow. "I don't understand. I have to coupon!" A woman yelled at one of the cashiers. Steve was by the front and could already sense this woman would be difficult with his coworker. He looks over at Peter, the cashier who was helping said women, and he was already looking at Steve for help. Steve let out a sigh before making his way over to the register. 

"What seems to be the issue here, ma 'am?" Steve said, using his customer service voice that he hated to use. It always sounded dead and forced, but this was what the job asked of him. The woman looks at Steve and scoffs, "I want to see the manager," she said in a demanding voice. Steve had to hold himself from rolling his eyes and pointed at his name tag, "I am the manager. So, what is the problem?" he let a huff but held himself together. The women scruffs up her face and looks Steve up and down, "well… your cashier here won't take my coupon!" Steve glances over at Peter, "Steve, it expired a year ago," Peter explained nervously, and the women groans in frustration. "How can anyone read the small text?" She huffs and hands the slip of paper to Steve. 

Peter was right, it had expired a year ago, yet this woman seemed determined to get her 5 dollars off her transaction. "Well, it doesn't change the fact that we can't take it, ma'am," Steve said, trying to keep his composure, but the older woman just roughly grabbed the coupon from his hand. Peter backs up a bit, and Steve steps in front of him, "they always honor my coupon!" she said in a much louder voice. A few close people were watching as the woman began throwing her hands around, yelling at Steve. "I want to see an actual manager! Not someone who can't even reach the top shelf!" She spat; Steve could feel his hands gripping tightly onto the counter. "We can't honor the coupon, ma'am. New store policy," Steve said tightly. He gritted his teeth and watched as the women glared at Steve. Was this woman really going to fight over five dollars? 

"Fine! Fine! You just lost a customer." She drops the basket down on the floor, the items dropping to the floor, and she rushes out of the store, yelling to herself. Peter gives Steve an apologetic look, but Steve smiles, reassuring Peter he was fine. "How about you take the basket? I'll take care of the register until you return all that stuff. It will give you some time to yourself," Steve said. Peter lets out a sigh of relief and thanks to Steve before grabbing everything from the floor and disappearing into the store. 

Steve took a deep breath. He needed to just let his mind wander. He thought of the night he had with Bucky, and a smile crept on his face. It had been a week, but Steve wasn't over that night. He could still feel the high from that date. He thought of how they held hands on the train, the way Bucky gave him his coat, the bear that now sat on Steve's bed, and the kiss. The kiss that Steve couldn't wrap his head around. Bucky wanted the same thing as Steve, and now they had agreed in their own weird way that they were together. 

It wasn't like the movies, but Steve wasn't asking for a big grand gesture. All the little things are what brought Steve closer to Bucky. So, he could handle tonight. He had three hours left. Steve could do this. Steve could deal with- "Hey Steve. There is someone who needs help by the TVs," someone said into his earpiece. Steve took another deep breath. He had to mentally prepare himself for this next interaction. He just could feel the frustration building up.

"I'll be right there, Peter can you come back on register," Steve said into the mic before walking away from the counter. He made his way to the TVs located all the way on the far right of the store. He spots an older man in a nice black suit, his hair was dyed blond, but you could still see the greys on the side. He catches Steve's stare and breaks out in a huge smile; it was forced and came off cold. "You're Steve," he said. It sounded like a statement more than a question. "Oh yeah, you needed help with a TV, sir?" Steve asked. He felt uneasy. The man stood out like a sore thumb. He was well put together to be shopping for a TV at a Kmart. Steve could sense the privilege from the man as he eyed Steve with a judgmental look.

  
"Maybe. I'm a little conflicted," the man simply puts it. He brings his hands behind his back and examines the TV display, "my last TV didn't exactly hold up?" he then said in an unwelcoming tone. "What was the issue? Maybe I can help find a better model," Steve said, keeping a few feet away from the man. He felt his chest tighten as the man grinned to himself, keeping his eyes on the display. "One minute it was doing fine, the sound was there, the images were clear, but then all of a sudden all the screen would show is distorted colors," the older man sounded amused. Steve nodded along; he was slowly feeling the tension build up in his throat. He had an odd domineer. It felt familiar with how the man spoke, but Steve could only sense bad things from him.

"Well, sometimes it could just be the manufacture, depending on where you got it, it can have-" the older man cuts off Steve, "you look familiar, Steve. Have we met?" Steve froze because now the man was squinting at Steve. He took a few steps towards Steve and stared a hole into Steve. "I don't know, sir, unless you've shopped here before. I don't think we have," Steve attempts to get back on selling this man a TV. He didn't like where this conversation was headed. "So, with the sound, were you using the speakers that are set in the TV, or was it speakers-" once again, Steve was cut off by the older man who didn't seem to pay no mind to what Steve was saying. 

"You know I don't forget a face like that, especially for someone of your build." 

Ah yes, it seemed like everyone had to remind Steve of his height. "You have probably mistaken me as someone else. I don't want to be rude, but if you don't need help, I'm needed elsewhere," Steve said with a stern voice, stuttering slightly, and it definitely caught the man's attention. Steve then remembered the night he was attacked by that customer month's back and automatically regretted talking to the man the way he did. He could be just as bad as the violent customer from October. "You're the manager, aren't you? I saw you earlier with that woman. You seem to know how to contain yourself. I can understand why you're so frustrated with me, just wanted to know if we have met" –the man turns to the biggest tube TV they had in store and points to it- "I would like this one. I want to surprise my son," the man gave Steve a grin. He leaves Steve stunted by how quick the man's expression changed. 

Steve calls over at the mic for one of the men on the floor to bring a dolly and TV model to the registers. The two then walked in silence, the man smiling at Steve. He looked calm and made the hairs on the back of Steve's neck stand. Sam, Steve's coworker, approaches the two with the TV. Steve just nods at Sam and begins to ring the man up, "I still think I've seen you from somewhere," the man said after paying for the TV. He even goes as far as buying the extra warranty that Steve knew was a rip-off. Steve says nothing and hands the man the recipient, giving him a forced smile. "Thank you, Steve, I will make sure to come to you if need be," the man's voice drops a little, and he turns to Sam. They both leave the store, Sam pushing the dolly and giving Steve a quick glance before existing. 

Steve wasn't sure what the interaction meant. He has met all kinds of people in the store but never one who just felt all off. Steve felt as if he had walked into a situation that would have ended badly. The man put Steve on edge, yet he did nothing but hold a conversation with Steve. He ended up buying the TV, so what was the issue? The man towered over Steve, the way he looked at Steve was haunting, and it stayed with Steve for the rest of his shift. 

It had been a month and a half since Steve last saw Bucky, and it was it getting to Steve. He knew that Bucky wasn't reliable when it came to visiting Steve, but it didn't change the fact that Steve missed him. Steve was finding himself cuddling up to the bear Bucky had won him. He would find himself going through old drawings he did of Bucky and smiling at how each of them changed. Bucky had been growing out his hair and beard, and in turn, Steve's drawings would reflect that. It didn't mean Steve didn't find himself frustrated because staring at his drawing was just reminding him that Bucky wasn't around. He missed Bucky. It made him wonder if he was becoming clingy. If he was becoming too attached. He hadn't felt so emotionally connected to anyone in so long that it was overwhelming, Steve. His heart would begin to race, his mind began to spiral, and he wasn't able to stop it. 

  
Bucky came back to Steve in May; it was ten, and Steve was asleep. He had just come back from the hospital and was beyond exhausted. His body wasn't giving much to work with that night, and he opted to sleep early that night. So, Steve didn't hear the soft knocks coming from his door. He didn't hear Bucky unlocking the door with the key Steve had given him. He also definitely didn't sense the older man taking off his shoes and the mattress dipping beside him. Steve would finally wake up feeling Bucky's cold hand against his forehead. He doesn't open his eye all the way but does squint at Bucky. His eyes soften, and Steve feels Bucky's lips pressed against his cheeks, both hands placed on the side of Steve's face. "Steve…" Bucky let out. It sounded melancholy but relieved. Steve tries to open his eyes all the way and stares at Bucky, smiling at the man and gesturing to come closer. Bucky does so and rests his face in the nook of Steve's neck. He was still sitting on the edge of the mattress while Steve laid on his back, rubbing Bucky's shoulder. 

"I missed you," Steve said in almost a whisper. Bucky lets out a shaky sigh, "I missed you too." They held each other for a little longer before pulling away, Steve giving Bucky a lazy smile, still trying to fully wake up. He could only see a little of Bucky's face in the dark. "Come," was all Steve could say. Bucky got under the covers with Steve and raises his arm so Steve could slip under it. Steve resting his head on Bucky's chest. There was a moment of silence before Bucky finally opened his mouth. 

"I think my father knows about you."

That yanked Steve out of his sleep state. He raises his head and looks at Bucky with concern. "How?" Steve stuttered. Bucky gives him a sympathetic look and strokes Steve's back. "He visited you at work. He kept mentioning you… he said you looked familiar," Bucky simply put it, his face darkening a little. "He took your drawing from me—the one in my wallet. I'm not allowed to own anything that isn't given to me by him. I think he recognized you from that drawing." A flash of fear appeared on Bucky's face before he settled back to a more expressionless look. "Did he say anything else?" Steve said with a hesitant tone. Bucky sighs, "he just has been keeping me busy. It's why I haven't been around- I wanted to Steve. I didn't want him to follow me here. I'm not sure if he remembers the drawing, but I can't let him get you to Steve-" Bucky was breathing frantically. He was talking so fast that Steve leaned into Bucky's arms. "Hey. Hey. Bucky, just breathe for me, okay?" Steve whispered. He watched as Bucky kept his eyes trained on Steve while taking a deep breath. 

Steve ran his fingers through Bucky's hair. Bucky seemed to like it because he leaned into the touch and closed his eyes. Steve presses his lips against Bucky's temple, "I'm sorry. You were sleeping." Steve shook his head, pressing his lips against Bucky's lips. It was brief and soft; Steve's heart was racing at the sudden confidence he was able to muster to kiss Bucky. "Hey. Don't need to apologize… are you feeling okay?" Steve asked in a gentle voice, Bucky's eyes soften, and he reaches for Steve's face. "I'm selfish," Bucky stated, and it caused Steve to frown. "How?" Steve asked. He can feel himself panicking because boy did, he not like where this conversation was going. 

"I- I never go after what I want. The one time I do… he finds out, and I can't end up letting you get hurt because I couldn't stay away." Bucky said, his voice dropping a little. "What do you mean?" Steve asked, furrowing his eyebrows in confusion. Bucky exhaled, avoiding Steve's concerned look. "I don't want anything to happen to you, Steve. I can't come back," Bucky's voice cracked, struggling to keep his gaze away from Steve. 

Steve wasn't reacting well. He was shaking and blinking rapidly due to the burning sensation he was feeling in his chest. Bucky notices how Steve's expression shifts and presses his cheeks against Steve, wrapping his arm around the smaller man, and they were now holding each other. Bucky sitting up against the wall while Steve was sitting on his lap, his knees to Bucky's side. Steve's breath was shaky, he was trying his best to form words, but it didn't seem to come outright. Bucky began to whisper I'm sorry, over and over into Steve's ear. 

"I just want you safe, Steve," Steve could feel Bucky's beard scratch his cheek. "I don't want it to end," Steve managed to say, his voice was shaky and low, but Bucky seemed to be able to hear him fine. "It just hurts," Steve exhaled violently. This caused Bucky to pull away a little to look at Steve, "what does?" Bucky asked. "My chest. I worry about you. I know that this is what you do but- I'm... I feel it still. I feel sick thinking I'll lose you. Whether it's from out there or that you'll just leave. I'm selfish if anything Buck," Steve's tears dried upon his cheek, but his eyes were red, and lips were puffy. 

Bucky furrowed his eyebrows at Steve, "that's how I feel when I think about what he could do to you. I don't want him near you," Bucky explained. "I'm- I'm not worth stressing about Steve. I'm not worth all this," Bucky's voice cracked again. Steve adjusted his eye at the statement. "Stop. Stop thinking like that- fuck. Bucky." Steve let out a frustrated sigh. It startled Bucky, his eyes widening a little. "You- you deserve good things. You deserve to do what you want. Bucky… you deserve to feel peace," Steve was practically throwing his arms around. 

Steve was angry. It was directed towards Bucky's "father," and all he wanted to do was keep Bucky safe. Steve can see the disbelief on Bucky's face, as the concept of happiness was foreign to him. "Steve. I'm not a good man. I've done… I know what I've done," Bucky's voice dropped. He looked dissociated as if he was reliving a memory that was coming to mind that very moment. "Did you have a choice?" Steve found himself asking. Bucky gives Steve a look of confusion. "Does that matter? I did them." Steve placed both hands on Bucky's shoulder and brings his face a little closer. "It does matter." Bucky looks at him for a moment, his eyes tired and hallow. 

"I've killed people."

It wasn't what Steve was expecting to hear, but he heard it come from Bucky's mouth. He didn't move away from Bucky. He just looked at him, his body stiffen, but he didn't feel a sense of danger. "I've used my body for whoever he wanted me to be with. Clients. He used me for a lot of things. If he needed someone gone. I was sent to take care of it. If he wanted something from someone, he'd send me to do whatever they want with me if that was their condition. Men, women, it didn't matter. Those parties were mainly how he did his business. He negotiates with people he knows will benefit him. I always end up in the middle of it," Bucky's eyes were beginning to tear, but his face stayed still. His eyes refused to look away from Steve like he deserved the shame, guilt, and filth he felt keeping eye contact with Steve.

"I've been doing this for so long. At first, he had to break me. He would have his men beat me. Sometimes he'd join in. Once I started acting the right way, the torture slowed down. I still… I still get punished, but he gives me some freedom. When he doesn't need me. I stay in my own place. He doesn't watch me like before. It's how I was able to come here so many times," Steve's chest was getting tighter, his jaw clenched, his head was spinning as Bucky went into more detail about his line of work.

"I don't deserve to even hold you. My hands, I've used them to hurt- kill. I've used my body in ways I don't like to think about. How can I expect you to want me? I didn't want to tell you because I just needed this. It was… nice that you looked at me as a person. You-" Bucky huffs in frustration, rubbing his eyes that were still streaming tears – "you held me. I feel so good when you hold me. When I hold you. You trust me, and it makes me feel normal. When I took you out-, I forgot what I actually am. Steve, I'm so-" Bucky cuts himself off, his face goes blank for a while before his chin began to tremble and his eyes go round. 

Steve didn't get the chance to respond as Bucky lets out a sob, his body violently began to shake. He basically dropped his head into Steve's chest and gripped onto his shirt. Steve looks at Bucky with a horrified look, the man hunched over was choking up as he mumbled to himself. Steve felt his own eyes welling up as he wrapped his arms around Bucky. It was a tight embrace on Steve's end while Bucky clung to Steve, scared to let go. Steve said nothing. He just kissed Bucky's head and listened to the older man that he once remembered as being so drained of any kind of emotion, now crying in Steve's arm. 

Steve felt like everything was closing on them. He felt sick but not because of what Bucky said. It was because Bucky was put through. He understood why Bucky had avoided the subject for so long. He wanted to be looked different by Steve. He was so used to being viewed as the object that he feared that maybe Steve would start looking at him the same way. It was eating Steve up, the thought of Bucky lying somewhere as he got punished by the people who worked for his father. The tasks he had to complete. It was all Steve could see. The image of Bucky slowly losing the human side of him, the one he saw at the hospital. 

Bucky was struggling under Steve's embrace. His breathing was shaky, his hands were moving up and down Steve's chest. It felt like he was making sure Steve wasn't going to leave him. Steve could sense the panic in Bucky's body. "You still have me, Bucky. I'm not going anywhere," Steve reassured Bucky, who managed to stop shaking. He was still trying to catch his breath. It seemed like the sound of Steve's voice meant something to him because he eventually stopped crying. It took a while, but he calmed down enough to wrap his arms around Steve's waist. "I still want this, Buck. Did you really think I wouldn't?" Steve asked in a gentle tone. "Yes," Bucky said in a hoarse voice. 

There was a brief moment of silence, Steve rocking them back and forth while Bucky pressed his face into Steve's chest. Steve then attempted to get Bucky to look at him. When he did, he saw how worn out he was around the eyes. They were puffy and red. His lips were slightly swollen and wet. His cheeks were flushed, and he was covered in sweat. Steve pushed the strain of hair sticking onto his face and began kissing around Bucky's face. His forehead, his eyebrows, his eyelids, his cheeks, and clef chin. Steve then pressed his lips gently against Bucky's wet ones and left them there until Bucky recuperated. Bucky closed his eyes and titled his head. He tugged on Steve's hair and attempted to press their chest together. The kiss stayed innocent, Bucky and Steve only trying to find ways to bring their body closer to one another. Steve pulled away and cupped Bucky's cheek, panting. 

"Let's take a bath together."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be Steve taking care of Bucky so don't worry. I appreciate all the comments and kudos!


	8. I Don't Want to Haunt Your Memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve and Bucky take a bath and Steve tells Peggy about Bucky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me two weeks to update. 
> 
> There is some smut in this chapter so yeah, it's brief.

♡  
Bucky stared at Steve blankly. Steve could see that Bucky was trying to comprehend what he had relayed to him. Steve just told him that they should bathe together. Together. They hadn't done that before. It was usually Steve pushing Bucky into the shower, but now he was asking to join. Steve wasn't sure where this sudden confidence was coming from. He was still too timid to kiss Bucky first, only doing so hesitantly as if he were scared Bucky would reject him.

It was probably Steve's urge to comfort, protect Bucky, but it still shocked Steve that he even suggested it. This would require Bucky to see Steve – naked. Steve had seen Bucky naked, but this was different. Steve's cheeks turned red as Bucky stares at him with an unreadable expression, eyeing him down before meeting Steve's gaze. "Ok," Bucky said, and with that, Steve held Bucky's hand and led him to the bathroom. Steve didn't turn on the light twitch, feeling that the lights outside his window lit up the bathroom enough to see what he was doing.

Steve paused for a moment; he didn't think this one through. It was late, and Bucky was probably drained from all the emotional labor he put himself through. "Are you ok with this, Bucky?" Steve turned to face Bucky; the man looked so fragile in the dark. Bucky's eyes were red, barely open for that matter. A few strains of his hair were in his face, his back hunched. Bucky stepped a little closer to Steve and nodded. Steve let out a shaky sigh before running the water, adding some bath soap, and placing a small towel on the edge of the tub.

"You want to get undressed?" Steve knew it was a dumb question, but he still wanted to make sure Bucky was comfortable. He had become quiet but kept close by. Bucky doesn't say anything. He just gently removed his clothes and looked at Steve as if to say, "what do you want me to do next?"

Steve took his clothes from him, folding them, and placed them neatly on the toilet's closed lid. Steve's eyes once again were having trouble keeping his eyes away from Bucky's lower half. Bucky didn't seem to mind or care. He just waited for Steve to do the same. It may have been dimly lit, but Steve was still nervous about changing in front of Bucky. Steve took a deep breath and took off his pants first, his shirt was long enough to hide his upper thighs, and he wanted to slow the processes as much as possible.

He then took off his boxers, gripping tightly onto his shirt. He glanced over at the bath and turns off the faucet seeing that the tub was filled. Bucky seemed to be waiting for Steve to join him, it wasn't like Bucky didn't know Steve was skinny, but it didn't make it easy for Steve undresses in front of him. He let out a shaky breath and tugged off the shirt with one swift move. Steve kept his gaze down. He stuck one leg into the tub and looks up to find Bucky's eyes more alert. 

The man followed Steve's movement, and they ended up sitting in the water across from one another. Steve brining his knee to his chest while Bucky squeezed his legs, which was on Steve's side. "Can you- come closer?" Bucky asked, his voice strained. Steve moved slowly towards Bucky. He was now sitting between Bucky's legs. Their faces were inches away from one another. 

"I... I'm still here," Bucky said, his face scrunched up in confusion. "I told you- everything. I told you what I've done," Bucky trailed off, his hands were moving down Steve's arm. Bucky moved his head, pressing his forehead against Steve's shoulder. Steve leaned into the touch; he could feel himself warming up as Bucky moved his hands to reach Steve's back. "I told you, Bucky. You had no control over this," Steve whispered. Steve could feel Bucky press his lips against Steve's collarbone, Bucky's beard rubbing against his skin. 

"Steve. I'm a mess."

"Bucky…" Steve trailed off. "Aren't you afraid of me now?" Bucky's voice cracked. "No, Bucky. You can't scare me off," Steve said gently, and that's when Bucky finally meets Steve's gaze. He looked overwhelmed, exhausted from everything. Steve could see the way Bucky's body tensed up, the panic set in. 

Steve got closer, he ignored the fact that he pressed so close to Bucky and grabbed the wool sponge. Without saying anything, Steve began cleaning Bucky up. Bucky lets out a sigh of relief as he relaxed into Steve's touch. Steve avoided going lower than Bucky's stomach. He focused mainly on his chest and arms. Steve would find Bucky stroking the arm he wasn't using, his mood seemingly changing. 

"Can we just… stay for a moment?" Bucky then said, and for a moment, Steve didn't understand what he meant until he saw the way Bucky leaned back against the tub. Steve placed the wool sponge down and moved closer. He turned his body so his back was facing Bucky and leaned into his now wet chest. This was new, this was nice, and Steve definitely not focusing on what was pressing against his lower back. Bucky wrapped his arms around Steve's chest, and they stayed like that. Bucky pressing small kisses on the side of Steve's head as Steve gripped onto Bucky's arms. 

"Bucky. I don't want you to think I don't want to see you. I want to make it clear- that I still want you," Steve squeezed Bucky's arm. He could feel Bucky's chest rising and falling against his back. "I know you want me safe, but I can handle myself. I can handle this," Steve continued, he wasn't sure if Bucky had made up his mind, but Steve wanted Bucky to know what was going through his head. That he had the option to come back to Steve.

  
"We can figure something out. We can try finding a way- to help you," that grabbed Bucky's attention immediately. He leans to the side to get a look at Steve, who gave Bucky a serious look. "Help me?" he asked, stunned by Steve's statement. Steve nodded, "Bucky… what he's doing to you isn't right- I know you probably have thought of leaving, but…" Steve trailed off. He wasn't sure what to say because, if he was honest, he had no clue how to help Bucky. He wanted to. He had to. 

"Steve," Bucky said calmly. Steve snapped out of his thought and stared at Bucky. His eyes had softened, his lips twitching to form a smile, but it never quite reached one. He tightened his arms around Steve and hooked his chin onto Steve's shoulder. "You really thinking like that," Bucky chuckled, it caught Steve off guard, and he furrowed his eyebrows at Bucky. "What you mean?" he asked. Bucky exhaled into Steve's neck. 

"It's just nice that you care."

Steve froze for a moment but then turned his body awkwardly around to face Bucky. He was sitting on his lap, and he tried his best to disregard the way his body was reacting to being pressed against Bucky's shaft. Steve was still self-conscious about being naked in front of Bucky, but he pushed the thought away and focused on the man in front of him. Bucky seemed to have calmed down. 

Steve pressed a small, short kiss against Bucky's lips and pulls away only for Bucky to pull him back in. He can feel Bucky's wet hands rest on his cheeks as Steve placed both hands on his shoulders. The kiss started off slow, Bucky tilting his head as he pushed Steve closer to him, but the kiss gradually became more heated. Steve let out a moan into Bucky's mouth. He could feel himself getting hard as Bucky began to kiss down his neck while Steve's face was pressed against his shoulder. Bucky moved his hands down Steve's back slowly as he brought his lips back to Steve's. He licked the bottom of Steve's lips, and Steve opened his mouth slightly, letting out a strained moan. Bucky sucking on Steve's tongue a little. Steve could feel the way Bucky's shaft was now reacting, it rubbed against Steve's stomach, and it made Steve want more. He wanted to get out of the bathtub and be pinned down by Bucky. He wanted to hold Bucky, feel his warmth surround him, and let the atmosphere that was building up around them to take over. Steve wanted Bucky so badly that he couldn't think straight. The way Bucky was moving his hips, rubbing himself against Steve was making it hard for Steve to breathe. 

"Bucky," Steve groaned, his grip on Bucky's shoulders tightened. Bucky was breathing heavy, his eyelids half-closed. Steve's eyes widen when he felt Bucky's hand brush against his length. The man looked at him as if to see if it was ok to continue to touch Steve. Steve nodded, not caring how eager he looked. Bucky pulled Steve back into a kiss, and his hands wrapped around Steve's length, slowly stroking it. It made it hard for Steve to move his lips, moving his face away from Bucky slightly as he squeezed his eyes shut in pleasure. He hadn't been touched by anyone in so long that the small strokes were already making Steve on edge. He never thought taking a bath with Bucky would lead to this, but it did, and Bucky was beginning to move faster as Steve's moans became louder. Steve buried his face into the nape of Bucky's neck. He couldn't help but thrust his hips into Bucky's hand. 

It might not be a good idea to do this in the bathtub, the water splashing into the floor as the two moved franticly in the tub, but the two men were focused on one another. Steve could feel himself getting close as Bucky's hand moved up and down, kissing Steve's shoulder and letting out a shaky breath. "I'm- I'm-" was all Steve could say before he came into Bucky's hands, trembling into his neck. Steve then faced Bucky, still catching his breath. Bucky's hands made their way to Steve's back, rubbing small circles as Steve's shuddered into Bucky's arms. Bucky was still hard; Steve could feel it twitching, but he made no attempt to ask Steve to touch him.

Steve straightened his back, trailing his hand down Bucky's chest. "Do you want me to?" Steve asked, leaving his hand resting on Bucky's stomach. Bucky looked at him for a moment. Steve knew that Bucky was someone who didn't use his body on his own terms. So, Steve wanted to make sure he wasn't crossing any lines in terms of Bucky's comfortable level. Bucky slowly nodded, "please," he whispered, rubbing his cheeks against Steve's. 

Steve gives him a quick nod, pressing his lips against Bucky's neck and leaving small trails of kisses down his chest, avoiding the water. He then took Bucky with his hand and gently stroked him, getting a surprised reaction out of Bucky. He looked at Steve like he had never been touched before. Steve just smiled and moved his hands in a slow-motion, not wanting to rush it. He wanted Bucky to experience the buildup. 

Bucky seemed to hold back at first, pressing his head against the wall as he let out small moans while Steve continued kissing his neck and jaw. However, when Steve began picking up his pace and slightly licking Bucky's neck, the older man couldn't help but gasp. "Uh, Steve- uh," Bucky couldn't help but pull Steve away from his neck and kiss him desperately like he needed to be touched more like he needed Steve at that very moment. Bucky's moans did something to Steve, it did things to his body, and all he wanted to do is hear it more. He could sense that Bucky was close, he gripped his hands onto Steve's arms, as he tried to contain himself while Steve was pumping him. 

He eventually came into Steve's hand and cried out a moan into Steve's lips. He was shaking against Steve, his chest rising and collapsing as he tried to breathe. Steve just watched, seeing the way Bucky's wet hair was sticking his face, how his swollen lips were parted, and the way his arms trembled. "Let's get rinsed off," Steve whispered into Bucky's ears. He pulled out the water stopper and slowly got up. 

Bucky got up and watched as Steve turned on the shower, letting the water hit Steve's back. He came closer, wrapping his arms around Steve and rested his cheeks on top of Steve's head. They rinsed off while the water drained under them, making sure they were fully clean before getting out of the shower. Bucky was attached to Steve. He barely let Steve grab a towel, not moving away from their embrace. Steve didn't mind. He tried to dry Bucky off the best he could. Bucky couldn't help but take the towel from Steve afterward and wrapping it around Steve's shoulder. It was a long towel, and so Bucky dragged it against Steve's wet skin, pecking his lips once or twice while he dried him off. 

They ditched the clothes entirely and went straight to Steve's bed. Steve's body wanted more touching. The feeling he got from their little interaction in the bathroom followed him to bed as Bucky laid beside him. It didn't help that Bucky was naked. It didn't help how Bucky sat up slightly using his elbow and leaning into Steve, kissing him gently and slowly. His damp hair brushing against Steve's face was doing things to Steve, his beard scratching Steve's cheeks. Bucky's hand resting on Steve's chest, his thumb rubbing against Steve's nipple. It was those small things that were making Steve want more. 

He knew they needed to sleep, especially after everything, but his body was begging for Bucky to get on top of him. "Bucky," Steve whined, his body was heating up, "Bucky," Steve let out. Bucky pulled away and kissed the corner of Steve's lips. "I've never done that before," Bucky blurted out. "Done what?" Steve asked, and Bucky went back for a kiss but then pulled away, pushing Steve's hair out of his forehead. "What we did in the bathroom- I never done that. I mean with someone I… wanted," Bucky dragged the tip of his nose down Steve's cheek before pressing a soft kiss. "I- it feels good, Steve," was all Bucky could say, his hand was making his way back up to Steve's neck, and it caused Steve to shutter the way Bucky touched him. "We won't do anything that you aren't ready for, Bucky. Ok?" Steve said in a reassuring voice. Bucky nodded and brought his lips back to Steve's. 

"I don't want to leave. I want to stay," Bucky said once he pulled away. This time his voice was filled with sadness. Steve frowned and ran his fingers through Bucky's hair, receiving a kiss on his wrist by Bucky. "I want you to stay too," was all Steve could say to Bucky because the reality of their situation was a lot more complicated. He couldn't keep Bucky safe the way he wanted to, and in a way, it was eating Steve up, knowing where Bucky was going back to. 

Bucky closed his eyes and sighed as Steve combed his hair with his fingers. He slowly rested his head against Steve's chest and hummed to himself. "I want to be selfish," Bucky then said. Steve was now scratching Bucky's scalp gently as his other hand played with Bucky's fingers. "I don't think I can stay away, Steve," Bucky sounded conflicted. "Then don't," Steve said. He knew it wasn't as simple as that, but if he can be the person Bucky needed, then that's who he'll be. "Go to sleep, ok, Bucky? I'm right here. I won't leave you," Steve whispered into Bucky's hair, pressing a small kiss before fully resting his head back into the pillow. Something light up in Steve's chest.

He knew what it could be, but he decided to ignore it. It would hurt too much if he acknowledged it now. That night it was harder for Steve to fall asleep. He held Bucky as the hours passed him by. Bucky snored; Steve learned. It wasn't the kind of snoring that was loud and disruptive, but the type that was low and almost soothing to hear. Steve's eyes were getting heavier, but he was so scared to close his eyes that Bucky would be gone the next time he opened them. But Steve didn't eventually fall asleep, and when he did wake up, the older man was no longer resting on his chest. Steve did weep into his covers that morning. The new feeling of fear and concern invaded his mind, and he knew that it would get more challenging for them. Steve was willing to go through it if it meant he had Bucky and Bucky had him.

  
It was June, the weather was getting warmer. Steve felt the days going slower and the weeks getting longer. Steve couldn't stop thinking about Bucky. He was all he could think about. He missed the way Bucky held up close to his chest, his hands trailing down his chest and up to his neck. How Bucky kissed him, the feeling of his bread scratching Steve's cheek, and how soft his hair felt through Steve's fingers. He kept replaying the night he had with Bucky. It was his only way to keep from losing it. He missed Bucky that his chest tightened, and his stomach turned. He kept himself distracted the best he could. He kept working, kept drawing, and even let Bruce come over for lunch. They hadn't interacted as much as Steve would like. He was worried he had scared the man off with how he acted last time he saw him, but Bruce was the kind of man who didn't let small conflict get to him. They were awkward around one another. Bruce wasn't one to hold a long conversation with people, he could barely manage small talk, but Steve didn't mind. He made sure to avoid bringing up anything related to Bucky. They had a nice day eating whatever Steve could make with the things he had in his fridge. 

Peggy surprised Steve with a voice mail one Saturday afternoon. Steve had just finished a shift at work and went to check his voice mail. His eyes widened when he heard Peggy's voice coming through the speaker: "I never know when you are home- oh well! I was calling to see if you were doing alright and that maybe you wanted to come by for dinner. We haven't done that in a while… uh well, call me when you get the chance." Steve smiled, grabbing hold of the handset and pressing it against his ear as he pressed on the number pad. 

He sat on the edge of the couch and waited for Peggy to pick up, his leg jerking up and down. "Hello Steve!" he was greeted with a cheerful Peggy, which made Steve chuckle in amusement, "hey Peggy, how ya been?" he asked. He could hear her husband in the background, chuckling at something that Steve couldn't hear through the phone. "I've been well! I feel like I haven't seen you in ages," her voice was chirpy. It put Steve at ease as he sank deeper into his lump couch. "I guess my body is giving me a break," he shot back, Peggy laughs, and they briefly catch up on their life. Peggy telling Steve how much Clint and Wanda missed Steve, joking that Clint probably just misses Steve bringing him treats. Steve ran out of things to say about work since- the kind of job Steve worked at never changes how his days go. 

There was then a brief moment of silence before Peggy asked him to come over for dinner. "I know you are dying for a real home-cooked meal Steve," she teased. He could feel her smiling from the other line. Steve did like the idea of eating real food instead of something from a can or frozen. He also did miss Peggy, and they hadn't seen each other since the day he asked her about his conflicting feelings for Bucky. "I think I'll be able to swing by," Steve said, receiving an excited squeal from Peggy before she cleared her throat, "Does six sound good?" she asked. "Yeah, that's fine, Peggy," Steve said, chuckling Peggy's excitement.

That's how he found himself in Peggy's dining room, helping her and Daniel with setting down the plates. It's always awkward when Steve did visit Peggy. She lived in a much better neighborhood, her house was a lot bigger and nicer, and Daniel never seemed to know how to interact with Steve. He'd ask him about work, and Steve would tell him, "draining but it pays the bills," and in turn asks Daniel about his job. Daniel would always respond vaguely, saying, "lots of cases I got to through," and Steve would nod until Peggy could break the awkward tension. Steve did like Peggy's house, though; it was Daniel's grandmother's old house. They kept her furniture, so Steve felt like he was in a whole different decade whenever he came over. It suited them as a couple. 

They sat at the dinner table, Steve eating quietly to himself as Peggy and Daniel talked amongst themselves. He hadn't followed what Daniel was saying, Peggy occasionally chiming in, but Steve didn't seem to have anything to add. Peggy was right though, he missed eating a homecooked meal because right now, Steve was eating as if he was food-deprived. "Steve, how're things with that girl of yours?" Steve heard Peggy asking, causing him to choke on his food. He pads his chest as he tries clearing his throat, looking over at Peggy, whose eye was wide in curiosity. 

"You're seeing someone, Steve?" Daniel smiled a little, glancing over at Peggy before turning back to Steve, raising his eyebrows. "They went on a date a while back, speaking of which- Steve, how was it?" Peggy asked, propping her elbows on the table, completing ignoring the food on her plate. Steve felt his face heat up, slouching in his chair as he kept his gaze down. He wasn't sure how he felt talking about Bucky, now that he knew the circumstance Bucky was in with his father. "It was great- we um… we're going out now," Steve stuttered, taking a sip of water to give himself to do as he heard Peggy let out an "aw."

"So, I was right. She does like you?"

Steve couldn't help but smile to himself. He nodded but didn't trust his own voice to speak. "She must be something because I don't think I have ever seen you show this much emotion," Daniel said in a teasing tone, Peggy just rolled her eyes at her husband, but he was right. The few times Steve has visited Peggy, his face stayed neutral. He was comfortable with Peggy, and he liked Daniel just fine, but their life intimated Steve. They were happily married, living in a more suburban neighborhood with jobs that paid pretty well. Peggy may have worked at one the "worst" hospitals in his county, but she still had friends she could rely on and loved her job. Steve wished he had a comfortable life, but he tried not focusing on that too much when he was around Peggy.

When they finished, Steve helped them with the dishes, and they moved to the patio. They sat on the steps as they watched the sky get darker, the children running down the street to get back home, and once again, something bubbled up in Steve's chest. He glanced over at Peggy and Daniel, who sat closer by each other. Their hands lanced together as they chatted with Steve about their plans to have a barbecue this summer. Steve just nodded along, picturing what it would be like to have something like that with Bucky. If things weren't so hard for Bucky, they probably could have that picnic Bucky mentioned a few months back. He wouldn't mind having to be on the grill while Bucky watched. The idea that they would clean up after eating, putting the cups and plates away in silence sounded nice to Steve. Bucky nearby, Bucky by his side. It was too soon to think like that, so Steve snapped out of thought and directed his attention to Daniel, who heard the phone go off from the living room.

"Probably work, I'll be back," Daniel muttered, giving a small kiss on Peggy's cheeks before rushing back inside the house. Peggy moved closer to Steve. She furrowed her eyebrows and tilted her head to better look at Steve. "Is everything ok, Steve?" she asked, her voice filled with concern. Steve wasn't expecting the shift in mood, but he knew Peggy was good at reading him. He turned to her a gave her a defeated smile before looking down at his shoes. "I'll be fine," he managed to say. Peggy shook her head and got closer to Steve so she could grab hold of Steve's hand. 

"What's wrong, Steve?" she asked. Something about that tone made Steve shudder. He can feel his chest tighten at the question. Steve let out a shaky breath, holding whatever was trying to surface. His throat tightened, and his lips began to tremble. "Just a lot on my mind," Steve said, he was able to mask his emotion, but it didn't stop Peggy from asking more questions. "At dinner, you seemed different. Did something happen with her?" Peggy squeezed Steve's hand, he shook his head, and he found himself chuckling. Peggy looks at him with a puzzled look, her face scrunching up. "I never have been one to want the picket fence life, I still don't, but…" Steve paused, running his fingers through his hair as Peggy waited patiently for him to finish his thought.

"I forgot how peaceful it is here. How nice it is that you have this life," Steve said. Nothing about his tone sounded happy. He hunched over her knees as he continued looking around Peggy's neighborhood. Steve wasn't sure this was bothering him so much, especially now. He hadn't realized that his last interaction with Bucky had a big impact on Steve. Since that night, Bucky's words echoed in his mind. The way Bucky looked at him, he looked hurt and traumatized as he told Steve what his father was putting him through. It made it hard to sleep at night, knowing Bucky was probably out there doing things he never wanted to do in the first place. It made Steve sick. If he thought about it too much, it would send Steve into a spiral. Those were hard nights for Steve. When he stayed up imagining the pain, Bucky was going through while he was home doing absolutely nothing.

"I wish I had that. Stability, feeling safe." Steve's words caught Peggy off guard. She turned to look at the front door before looking back at Steve. "You can have that, Steve- where is this coming from?" she asked softly like she could sense Steve's sadness from where she was sitting. Steve was never good at hiding his emotions. "I can't have that with him," Steve said, almost in a whisper that Peggy almost didn't catch it. Her eyes widened at the pronoun change, and Steve hadn't realized it himself until Peggy pointed it out. "Him?" she echoed. "I wasn't seeing a woman Peggy," Steve stated. He didn't meet Peggy's gaze, fearing he'd see her disgusted look. 

"Oh, Steve," Peggy sighed, and Steve found himself being pulled into a side hug, Peggy's nails digging into Steve's arm. "Why didn't you tell me you were seeing a man?" Peggy asked. Steve could hear the hurt in her voice, but who could blame him? He knew what the majority thought about same-sex relationships. He was just surprised that Peggy was more concerned with him not telling her he was with a man than the fact that he was with a man. "I didn't want you to look at me differently. Peggy, this may come as a shock to you. Still, I don't really have friends aside from you and my neighbor," Steve said in a more light tone that made Peggy roll her eyes, "Clint would be happy to invite you over. Wanda has had a crush on you since you gave her brother a ride back home at four in the morning," Peggy scoffed, lightly hitting Steve's arm. 

"No… really?" Steve said, his eyes going round, Peggy laughing at Steve, who turned red. "Very much, but don't tell her I told you," Peggy said, smiling knowingly at Steve. He simply nodded as he felt the pressure in his chest lift, making it easier for him to breathe. "So, what's his name?" Peggy teased, seeing the way Steve's face lit up. "Bucky," Steve blushed, he never said Bucky's name out loud to anyone before, and it felt nice to say it. "Now, was any of the other stuff you told me true or?" Peggy raised her brow at Steve. Steve still wasn't comfortable telling Peggy about his circumstance with Bucky. He just nodded and said: "Yeah, basically," Steve shrugged. "So, the date went well then?" Peggy broke out in a smile when she saw the way Steve covered his face, "really good, Peggy. He um won me this bear and uh… we went on a few rides at the boardwalk and uh we- it was nice," Steve's brain was scattered. He felt somewhat embarrassed to be gushing over Bucky. 

"Did he kiss you?"

Steve's cheeks went red, and he looked off to the side, "oh, Steve. You are like a schoolboy. Look at you!" Peggy threw her head back, laughing at Steve, who was attempting to fight off the surfacing smile on his face. "I really like him, Peggy," Steve said in a low voice, "I see that, Steve. Have you told anyone else about him?" Peggy asked, this time in a more serious tone. Steve shook his head, knowing there was no way he could tell anyone about Bucky. It wasn't just because Bucky was a man. It also the fact that Bucky had to be unknown to the people around him. Steve trusted Peggy, though. "And I would like to keep it that way… Peggy, is it ok if we just keep it between us? Let Daniel think I'm seeing a woman?" Steve knew he was asking a lot from Peggy, but she simply nodded, pulling him in another hug before pulling away.

"You know you can come to me with things… I wouldn't look at you differently, Steve."

That's when Daniel finally comes back out, clearly annoyed that he was on the phone for so long. He looks at the two, clearly sensing something with Steve, but Peggy just waves it off, and they continue talking about their plans for the summer. Steve never gets the chance to tell Peggy what really upset him. He doesn't even get the opportunity to express how much he wants normalcy with Bucky. Maybe it was for the best that Steve didn't tell Peggy what he was on his mind. He was just overwhelmed by the warmth that Peggy's home brought him, and he wasn't thinking straight. Yeah, that's it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aw Steve.


	9. Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve decides to socialize with his coworkers and Bucky ends up taking care of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a struggle to write. I start classes soon, so updates will be slowing down but I made sure to make this chapter long. 
> 
> TW: mentions of throw up

♡

Steve was in the back, getting ready to leave. He shoved his uniform in his cramped locker, hearing his coworkers behind him talking. It was a Saturday, and the store manager announced that they would close for the day on Sunday. It happens once every four months, and Steve never understood the point of it. He didn't complain though, a paid day off was what he needed, and he was already feeling pretty out of it. Steve also knew that with the store closing tomorrow that his coworkers were planning on getting shit faced. He could hear as they chatted amongst themselves, only lowering their voices when the store manager walked by, reminding them they had to hurry up and leave. Peter was whining about not being able to come, being only 18, and having to go to Church with his aunt in the morning, which led to the men teasing him.

"Just invite her to come, Peter. I don't think we'd mind her around," Scott half-joked causing some of his coworkers to murmur in agreement. Steve couldn't help but chuckle to himself as he heard Peter smacking Scott's arm, letting out a "not cool man." Steve shifted his focus back to his locker, grabbing his keys and wallet. Steve then suddenly felt someone throw their hands on his shoulders. Steve jumps a little at the strong hands that were pulling at him. He snapped his head to the side to find Sam grinning at him. Once Sam notices how shaken up Steve looked from his sudden presence, he drops his hands and steps back to give Steve some space.

"Steve, me, and the others are heading to The Dubliner. I thought maybe you'd want to come?" Sam gave him a hopeful look like he really wanted Steve to come. Steve couldn't help but feel his mood lift at the invitation. Sam was one of the few people he enjoyed working with. He wasn't like his other colleagues, avoiding work, calling out constantly, and mocking Steve behind his back. Steve knew how people thought of him. They didn't seem to take him seriously as manager and often would give Steve a hard time during his shifts. It bothered Steve when he found out they only acted like that with him and not the other managers at their store. Sam was one of the few guys who always stepped in. Although Steve hated feeling like he needed help, he appreciated Sam for treating him with human decency.

"Nah. I'm not much of a drinker anyway," Steve shrugged. Sam leaned against the lockers, crossing his arm as he gave Steve an amused look. "They got a karaoke set. Carol really wants to sing TLC. It'll be fun, Steve," Sam chirped as Steve closed his locker, struggling to get the rusty lock to close. Steve glanced over at his coworkers, who were waiting at the door, clearly waiting for Sam. It was just six of them, excluding Steve, and they were the much nicer ones of the bunch. Brock and Rollins weren't scheduled today, so Steve already felt at ease at the idea of tagging along. Steve looked back at Sam, pressing his lips together into a thin line. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to go out and loosen up.

"Which song is she performing?" Steve found himself asking, receiving a small chuckle from Sam. "Waterfalls- Maria might also end up getting up there if Carol gives her that little pout she does. I'm telling you; you don't wanna miss that," Sam lightly elbows him, raising a brow at Steve. It sounded fun. It's been a while since Steve has been social. He could spare an hour or two before heading home. It would be nice to keep his mind off of Bucky. But what if Bucky comes tonight? A momentary look of discomfort crossed Steve's face, his heart panging at the idea of Bucky visiting him only to find Steve's place empty. He hadn't heard from him in almost two months. Steve tried to stay optimistic on the whole ordeal, but it was hard when he knew to some extent of Bucky's "job."

It helped that Steve had Peggy to talk to. He couldn't tell her everything, but Steve was just glad he had someone who knew that Bucky existed. There have been days when Steve was on the verge of a panic attack, that he thought maybe Bucky was just a figment of his imagination. That Bucky was just something, his mind came up with to cope with his life. Steve didn't know why he let his mind wander the way it did. Radio silence from Bucky was just hard to deal with. If he could get a call from Bucky, a note- something, then Steve would feel reassured that Bucky was well. He just wanted Bucky safe.

Steve blinked excessively down at the floor before meeting Sam's concerned stare. "Hey- you ok there?" Sam asked, ignoring his coworkers, calling him over as he placed a hand on Steve's arm. "Uh, sorry," Steve mumbled. He rubbed the back of his neck, feeling something in his chest tighten. He should go out. It was better than mopping in his bed and letting his thoughts keep him up. Steve smiles spastically, ignoring the overwhelming feeling of dread. He began to feel the more he thought of going out with his coworkers. "Ok- yeah, I'll come," Steve stuttered. Sam's face relaxes into a smile, and he nods, announcing to everyone that Steve was coming. Steve is surprised to hear noises of approval coming from his coworkers, causing his cheeks to flush. They begin heading out of the break room, Sam staying by Steve's side and following behind their coworkers. He made a mental note to remember how to get back to his car, which was parked in the parking lot of his job.

Once they were outside, Peter parted ways with the group, letting out an embarrassed groan when Scott notices that his aunt was parked in front of the store. Steve made no mind of the matter and followed the group, feeling painfully awkward, walking beside Sam, who seems to want to hold a conversation with Steve. It wasn't like Steve didn't want to get friendly with his coworkers. It was more of the fact that he didn't know what to say. He could see the way everyone talked to each other. They were familiar with one another, teasing and bickering as they got closer to their destination. They were friends, and Steve hadn't realized how left out he felt once they reached the bar. The place was somewhat crowded, but it wasn't overwhelming for Steve. He noted the way the bar felt more laid back. He didn't see many college students lingering around, mostly people in their 30s and 40s.

They sat in a circle booth, Steve sitting on one the edge and Sam sitting right beside him. They all tell Scott their order, Steve asking for just a coke, which received a "what?" from the group. "Steve, come on," Sam says in a low but welcoming voice, elbowing Steve's arm. Steve folds his hands, pressing his legs together as he hunched over the edge of the table. "I'm fine with the coke," Steve mumbled. He could see Scott standing awkwardly in front of their table, waiting for a definitive answer from Steve. As if they expected him to give in and change his order.

"Steve, you aren't on the clock. Just loosen up," Darcy said, she's a college student who only worked on the weekends, so Steve wasn't very familiar with her. Steve got looks of encouragement from everyone, excluding Scott, who seemed to just want to order their drinks. Steve let out a defeated sigh, telling Scott he'll just get a beer. Scott leaves before anyone gets the chance to change their mind. The group continues with their conversation, Carol practically begging Maria to sing with her on the bar's small stage. Steve tried to think of things to say, but he found himself disconnecting and couldn't focus on what anyone was really saying. It didn't help that he was beginning to feel sick, not being able to tell if it was because he was anxious or if he was actually coming down with something. His earlier worries came flooding back, Bucky lingering in Steve's mind.  _ I should be home _ , Steve's brain kept telling him as he looked around the bar. Suddenly the volume of everyone's voices was becoming louder. All Steve could do was make himself smaller and try his best to let his anxiety settle down in his chest. He could handle two hours of this. Steve just needed to stop overthinking.

Scott came back with their drinks, and it seemed to just make his coworkers more riled up. Steve only taking small sips of his beer and remembering why he hated alcohol. He felt himself regretting going out. Steve ran his fingers through his hair with shaky hands as he tried his best to listen to Riley, who was telling a story about an incompetent customer, which followed with laughter. All Steve could do was chuckle weakly to himself. No one seemed to notice how quiet Steve was through-out their conversation except Sam.

"You alright?"

Steve looked over to Sam, who had his head low as if to make sure no one around them could hear. Steve finished off his drink, his face twisted at the taste of his now lukewarm beer. "Uh- I'm fine. Probably just tired," Steve shrugged, but Sam raised a brow at him, not seeming convinced. "Not much of people person?" Sam said in a light tone. He gave Steve a small before taking a sip of his own drink. "No, it's just…" Steve trailed off. He wasn't sure how to explain to Sam anything and just awkwardly ran his index finger around the edge of his glass. "Not your thing?" Sam provided, and all Steve could do was nod. "I don't really go out much," Steve admitted, and it wasn't a lie. Steve wasn't anti-social or anything. He just preferred to be around people he was familiar with and with a quiet setting. "Well, give us a chance. I promise by the end of the night you'll enjoy our company. We don't bite Steve," Sam seemed optimistic that Steve was going to loosen up. "Yeah, maybe," Steve mumbled, trying to give a forced smile.

An hour goes by, and Steve was on his third drink. He wasn't sure how he ended up being on his third drink, but he was, and everything felt a lot easier. Steve couldn't help but feel like he was being watched. He looked around the bar before averting his attention back to his coworkers. He wasn't drunk, but Steve was definitely feeling himself loosen up due to being lightweight. He found himself joking with everyone, even getting a laugh out of Carol, who always had a serious expression on her face around strangers. Steve could see Sam looking at him with approval, bumping himself into Steve's side. Steve tried his best not to order a fourth glass. He knew his limit and did not want to deal with the aftermath in the morning. Darcy and Jane were already babbling about the X-File and laughing loudly to themselves. He didn't want to have to be someone's problem.

"It's time, Marie!" Carol practically yelled as she tugged on Marie's hand. Marie looked over at everyone, clearly wanting someone to jump in, but Carol was now dragging her on stage with her, picking the song Sam had told Steve that she'd perform. Steve watched with amusement once the music started playing, Carol lowering her voice as she sang the first line of the song. Steve couldn't follow the whole performance; he just moved his head side to side with his eyes closed as he listened to Carol and Marie butchered Waterfall. He still felt something boring into him, the hairs on his neck standing up. A fourth drink seemed to find Steve's hand, and by the time the two women returned to their table, Steve was officially unable to control his body.

"Mhm, that was nice," Steve hummed. He leaned back into his seat and felt the buzz take over. "I think Steve liked it," Scott said, directing his laughter towards Carol and Marie. "Oh, I don't think I've seen you smile before," Carol said, her eyes wide in delight. Steve couldn't seem to respond back. He just nodded as his smile stretched wider across his face. Steve wasn't able to make out what was being said, focusing his attention on the front of the bar. There was a window by the entrance, and Steve could see someone's head poking in the side. Steve squinted his eyes as he saw the figure by the window move away from Steve's sight. Steve's mouth went slack for a moment before turning back to the group and attempting to get up from his seat, placing both hands on the table to support him.

"You ok there, buddy?" Sam asked. He didn't sound concerned but more curious at the sudden movement. Steve chuckled, nodding a little too slow before saying, "I need air." Steve clumsily headed towards the front of the entrance, bumping into some people. A drink gets spilled on his chest, and he mutters a loud "sorry" before finally exiting the bar. The air was cool. Steve lets out a shaky laugh as he leaned against the brick wall, trying his best to balance himself. He closed his eyes as he focused on his breathing, feeling the cool breeze hit his face.

His mind was a jumbled mess, his thoughts not making sense to him. Steve was not one to get drunk. He hated the taste, and the hangovers were enough for him to avoid alcohol altogether. The last time he was this drunk, it was after leaving his less memorable boyfriend years back. It wasn't that Steve was upset that they broke up. Moreover, he was unable to form a relationship with someone without everything feeling wrong. He remembered going to the nearest liquor store and curling up in his bed.

He would think about his mother and how much he missed her. Steve wishing, he could talk to her. She always knew how to approach Steve and never spoke down at him. He never had an issue with opening up to her. It was one of the things he loved about his mother. When he came to her with a problem, she never turned and blamed him but instead talked it through with him. His mind would then wander to Sharon, how badly she made him feel when he found out that she dated him out of pity. Steve wasn't able to trust people the same way. Sharon was kind and warm, but she had the wrong intentions, which gets to Steve to this day. That even if someone seems genuine, they'll only end up hurting you in the end.

It could explain why his "friendships" with his coworkers were only surface level. Steve knew nothing about them, and they knew nothing about Steve. It took him a while to accept Peggy's kindness. He was shocked when he found out that Peggy wasn't exactly the nicest person in the hospital. She didn't tolerate the disrespectful patients and doctors gave her in the hospital. She always made sure to put them in their place and never allowed them to belittle her. It's what made Steve more open to letting Peggy get closer to him. Steve still knew his friendship with Peggy didn't fill the hollow feeling Steve felt in his chest. He knew he was seeking more in someone; he just wasn't sure what he exactly wanted.

"Steve."

The voice sounded familiar. His voice was low, almost like a whisper. Steve suddenly felt someone near him. It was the warmth radiating from the man that made Steve finally open his eyes. He was greeted with Bucky. In Steve's state, he reacted quite enthusiastically. He pushed himself off the wall and fell into Bucky's chest, and lazily wrapped his arms around Bucky's waist. Steve hummed into Bucky's chest, not meeting the older man's gaze. "Steve, you… you-" Steve cuts Bucky off, not allowing him to finish his sentence. "Bucky, did I miss it?" Steve hiccuped; he kept his eyes closed as he tried to grip onto Bucky as much as he can. He felt like he was going to melt if he let go. "Miss what?" Bucky asked, his voice coated with concern but had a soft and comforting tone to it. "Your visit… did I miss it?" Steve whispered, he began swaying his body back and forth. He let out a sigh once he felt Bucky's hand rubbing his back.

"Let me take you home, Steve."

Steve wasn't sure why he was shaking his head. If he was sober, that would be the first thing he wanted to do. Especially now that Bucky was with him. "Don't leave, please. Buck, please," Steve let out another chuckle, but his voice began to crack as he continued whispering into Bucky's chest. "Gone for so long. You know that? You left so long," Steve dragged his words. He felt a wave of emotions hit him when he inhaled Bucky's scent. He missed Bucky so much that it physically hurt to even smell the cologne he was wearing. He pulls away slightly, meeting Bucky's frown. "I'm sorry, Steve. Please… let's leave," Bucky pushed the hair away from Steve's eyes, giving him a smile, his eyes looked pained, and Steve didn't understand why at that moment.

"Are you leaving me again?" Steve said, this time, he sounded almost scared, and his hands gripped onto Bucky's shirt. He choked on his words, and it made Bucky's face fall. He let out a shaky sigh and placed one hand on Steve's cheek. "No, I'm coming with you, ok?" Bucky's voice had the same distilled tone, but it seemed like it was cracking a little because Steve could hear the guilt in his voice. Steve just wanted to hold Bucky. He wanted to be back in his bed and be held close in Bucky's chest. It's all he wanted now, so he nodded, smiling weakly at Bucky. "Ok, Bucky," Steve giggled, resting his forehead against Bucky's chest. Steve could hear his name being called out, he scrunches up his face, and the bar's door creaks open.

"Steve, are you- Hey! What's going on here?" Sam's voice went from concerned to a more threatening tone, getting closer to the two men. Bucky's eyes widen, and he moves away from Sam, bringing Steve closer to him. Steve turned his head to see Sam glaring at Bucky, his arms raised slightly. "Hi Sam," Steve chirped, he was unable to see how Bucky was looking at Sam with a menacing stare. It was the same look he had when Bruce came to Steve's door. His face drained of any emotion. "You need to move away from him," Sam said, directing his words towards Bucky. Sam's tone didn't seem to agree with Bucky. He steps away from Steve's coworker and continues to glare at him. He made no attempt to loosen his grip on Steve.

"I'm going home, Sam," Steve managed to say. He was the only person who couldn't see the tension between Sam and Bucky. He smiled at Sam, expecting him to understand that Bucky indeed wasn't a stranger to Steve. Sam just went closer, grabbing at Steve's arm only for Bucky to twirl Steve around so that he was now behind Bucky, Steve being held up by one arm. Sam shook his head in frustration. In Sam's point of view, he saw Bucky as a stranger who wanted to take advantage of Steve's vulnerable state. In Bucky's point of view, he saw Sam as a stranger who tried to take Steve away from him. Steve wasn't able to concentrate, but he was now feeling something building up between the men.

"It's… It's ok, Sam. It's just Bucky," Steve purred, but Sam's face doesn't falter, his hand turning into a tight fist. "I have no issue making a scene. I need you to let go of him. Now," Sam said tightly, but Bucky's wide eyes stayed focus on Sam. Steve had never seen Sam so angry, the man was always laid back, but right now, he looked like he was ready to pull Bucky from the collar any minute now. "No, no! Stop," Steve said, he was struggling to carry his voice, but he tried to focus on his words. The alcohol in his system, making it hard for him to stay still or even talk appropriately without everything spinning around him. Bucky looks at Steve, his eyes slightly softening, and attempts to keep Steve from falling. Steve stumbles into Bucky's side and hugs it tightly, looking over at Sam, who now seems confused at the two.

"Steve, do you know him?" Sam asked sternly. He makes no attempt at moving away from Bucky, whose face quickly goes back to a glare. Steve nods and lets out a frustrated huff, "it's Bucky. My Bucky." Steve starts to laugh, coughing in the midst of it. Sam's face faltered, he seemed unsure what to do, and Bucky's lack of talking and Steve's lack of judgment wasn't helping in the slightest. Bucky didn't seem to like being exposed the way he was with Sam. His body stiffened as people from across the block began to draw their attention towards the three men. Bucky's clears his throat, holding back his urge to fight Sam as he loosened his body.

"I'm taking Steve home."

Bucky attempts to sound less threatening, but it still came off distilled and forced. It didn't seem to convince Sam in the slightest. "Maybe it would be better if I-" Steve doesn't give Sam the chance to finish his sentence, groaning in frustration, his body was beginning to hurt, and all he wanted was to be in bed with Bucky. "I'm going," there was a brief pause as Steve takes a deep breath, his face becoming flustered, "with Bucky." Steve feels his knees buckle, and Bucky can catch up just in time, forcing Steve's arm around his neck while Bucky placed his own around under Steve's armpit. Sam steps back, looking conflicted at the two. "You know him, Steve… he's not some guy you just bumped into?" Sam said slowly, he was still guarded, and Steve nods. "Been waiting for him," Steve mumbled. There was something sad about Steve's tone that Sam caught onto. 

"Shit," Sam whispered under his breath, looking conflicted with the situation. He steps back and relaxes his hands, "ok... but I'm going to call in tomorrow to check up on you, Steve," Sam said, seemingly unhappy with the fact that he was going along with Steve going home with Bucky. "Don't be so sad, Sam. Bucky takes care of me all the time," Steve said, dragging his words while Bucky tries to get a better grip on Steve. As they walk away from him, Sam watches Steve looking back to wave at Sam who's face looked hard. It was clear he still didn't trust Bucky in the slightest. Bucky picks up their pace, not wanting Sam to change his mind and come after Steve. Once they were out of Sam's sight, Bucky goes back to a normal speed. 

"My legs don't work," Steve complained. He let out a grunt when he gets picked up by Bucky. He wraps Steve's legs around his waist, and Steve throws his arms around Bucky's neck. "You have your car keys, Steve?" Bucky asked softly as they began walking again, Bucky making sure to avoid being under the streetlights as much as possible. Steve nuzzles into Bucky, pressing his lips against Bucky's warm neck. "Pocket," Steve supplied before going back to making small murmur sounds. Bucky let out a sigh of relief, keeping his hands tightly on Steve's thigh. It takes them ten minutes to get to Steve's car, a 1982 Lincoln Continental Mark Vi that was still parked in the Kmart parking lot. Bucky props Steve on the car's trunk and lets the smaller man rest his head on Bucky's shoulder while he digs for Steve's keys. Bucky then picks Steve back up and walks to the driver's side, twisting the key twice to unlock the car. Bucky walks to the passenger side and slowly helps Steve into the car, making sure he is settled.

"Don't go," Steve whispers loudly, tugging at Bucky's shirt. "I'm here Steve," Bucky pressed a small kiss on Steve's forehead before closing the door. Steve perks up from the seat at the sudden noise and whimpers, looking around frantically for Bucky. His whimpers die down once Bucky sits in the driver's seat, locking the car immediately. He starts the car, and Steve leans back in his seat, mumbling something Bucky wasn't able to hear clearly. Steve wasn't sure where Bucky was driving, the streets were just flash of lights, and it hurt his eyes to look out the window, so all he focused on was moving closer to Bucky. The armrest that divided the driver and the passenger seat was small, so Steve could press the side of his body against Bucky.

"I missed you so much," Steve said, wrapping his arms around Bucky's arm. Bucky glances over to Steve and presses another kiss on his forehead before looking back at the road. "I missed you too, Steve," Bucky said, his voice sounded rough and tired. If Steve was sober, he would be able to see the exhaustion in Bucky's eyes. He would also notice the bandages on Bucky's left arm and the fresh new bruise on his cheek. "I wanted you here so bad," Steve said, not realizing he was thinking out loud. He sunk his body slowly off of Bucky and rested his head on the armrest, curling his legs. Bucky took that opportunity to rest his hand on Steve's head, running his fingers through Steve's messy blond hair. "Where'd you go?" Steve asked, his eyelids getting heavier. "I was away, Steve. I'm sorry," Bucky said, gripping tightly on the steering wheel, but Steve couldn't see the tension in Bucky's face. He closed his eyes, relaxing under Bucky's touch. There was so much Steve wanted to say, but his mouth didn't want to seem to move anymore.

Steve suddenly heard a thud and opened his eyes. He found himself being held by Bucky, this time bridal style. They were in Steve's apartment. Steve didn't remember how he got here; he just only closed his eyes for a minute. Bucky seemed to notice that Steve was awake but says nothing. He gently lays Steve on the bed and moves to Steve's feet to remove his shoes. "That was so fast," Steve mumbled. His arms were suddenly too heavy to lift, so he just laid there as Bucky began taking off his socks. Bucky goes to the dresser and grabs fresh new clothes before rushing back to Steve's side. "Steve… I'm going to undress you. I'll put you to bed soon. I promise," Bucky said in a reassuring voice, he was still hesitant to get near Steve. He gets a slow nod from Steve, and Bucky begins to pull at Steve's pants with a massive spill. Steve shivered at the sudden air hitting his bare legs, but Bucky quickly puts a clean pair of PJ bottoms, struggling slightly when Steve wasn't able to lift himself up. Bucky then makes Steve sit up; he was shaky but could stay up as Bucky changed his shirt.

Steve blinks for what was only a second and finds himself lying back down, his head resting on the pillow and the covers draped over his body. However, he couldn't find Bucky, so Steve began to thrash in his bed, calling out for Bucky. He sees the lights coming from the bathroom go out, and Bucky suddenly appearing in front of him. Steve attempts to get up, but Bucky is quick to kneel down and lightly guide him back to bed. "I'm here," Bucky kissed Steve's cheek, running his fingers through Steve's hair. "I'm not leaving," Bucky reassured Steve, pulled Bucky close to him so that Bucky's face was pressed against his neck. Bucky let out a shaky breath, he still made no attempt to get into bed with Steve, and it was upset Steve. He tugged weakly at Bucky, his way at asking Bucky to lay with him, but Bucky just pulled away and brought his face close to Steve's. He kept a small distance between their face, rubbing his thumb against Steve's flushed cheek.

"You'll stay, right? You won't leave?" Steve said in a distraught tone, his chin trembling. "I'm not going anywhere. I just need you to go to sleep. I'll be here in the morning," Bucky said, he continues to stroke Steve's cheek. Steve kept his eyes open as much as he can before it became more challenging. He felt Bucky shift at one point and the mattress dipping, then suddenly there were strong arms enveloping him between something warm. Steve knew it was Bucky, but his mind made it difficult for him to make sense of anything.

Throughout the night, Steve tossed and turned in his sleep. The sweat was soaking his shirt, thrashing against Bucky, who had woken up as soon as he felt a stir next to him. Steve was experiencing the worst pain; he began to feel his body violently shake, unaware he was sobbing quietly in his sleep. The lump in his throat made it difficult for him to breathe. His body was aching. He felt a piercing pain in his head and chest burning in pain. While Bucky was trying his best to comforting Steve, who hadn't woken up yet, Steve was too occupied with the images that were flashing in his dreams. He saw these walls that were caving in on him, but he manages to make it to the next room. It was his mother's room but distorted. It felt like it was her room, he could see that, but it looks like a funhouse with how everything stretched. He approaches the bed, but no one was there. The realization that it was empty made him choke up, which in turn made the sleeping body next to Bucky let out a strained sob. The dream went into a loop, but it was increasingly worse.

Steve would finally wake up around 5 am, the room was still dark. The first thing he noticed was his head throbbing, making it hard for him to sit up. He opened his eyes slowly, and he saw Bucky hovering over him. He was awake. Steve tried to move his mouth, but a sudden tug in his stomach causes him to roll on his side, his head making it hard for him to hear what Bucky was saying to him. Bucky pulls at Steve, and he was upon his feet, being led to the bathroom. Steve collapsed to the toilet, hurling into it as Bucky patted his back, murmuring "there you go," over and over. Steve couldn't help but squeeze his eyes, letting the tears stream down his face. He shudders against the cold tile beneath him, curling his toes and clenching at his soaked shirt. Everything hurts. His mind spiraling out of control stuck on thoughts about things that made no sense to him. He almost forgot Bucky was with him until he felt his presence again, Bucky holding out a bottle of water and two pills in his hand.

"Take this, ok?" Bucky said gently. It almost didn't sound like Bucky. Steve leaned back against the wall, bringing his knees to his chest. He couldn't help but began to cry again. Bucky quickly moved closer. He brought the bottle to Steve's lips and helped him tip his head so slightly as the cold water enter his mouth. Bucky placed one arm around Steve's back and held him close. "I'm going to give you a pill, Steve. It's going to help. I need you to focus on swallowing," Bucky said carefully, he places the pills in Steve's mouth, and the bottle was right back on Steve's lips. He put all his energy into drinking, sighing in relief when he could swallow the pills. His throat was scratchy, and his mouth felt dry. Steve wasn't sure if he was just hungover or if he might have gotten sick. He just wanted to crawl back in bed, but the idea of sleeping again made Steve's head throb more.

"Bucky," Steve whimpered. He felt so hot and uncomfortable in the state he was in. He felt like if he moved just a little bit that the pain would get worse. His skin felt itchy, like there were being pricked by needles. He whined against Bucky's chest; he couldn't control how he acted. The timid and hesitant side of Steve was replaced with pain. It was like that all Steve knew at that moment. "I think you need more water, Steve," Bucky said. He attempts to shift away from the floor but Steve grips on his arm, flinching at his own movement. "Don't go," Steve let out a painful sigh, still not registering that Bucky was only going to be gone for a second. "Gonna get you hydrated," Bucky explained. He grabbed a towel of arm's reach, folding it so Steve could use it as a cushion. He places it on the floor and eases Steve down, letting him lay on his side as Steve continues to moan in pain.

Bucky comes back with two bottles of water, kneeling down where Steve was curled up in a ball. "How do you feel?" Bucky asked. He pressed the back of his hand against Steve's damp forehead. Steve looks at Bucky with his droopy eyes, "hurts Bucky," which Steve managed to say. Bucky's face softened, and he lays beside Steve, his face resting on the cold bathroom floor as he tries to get a better look at Steve. "I'll take care of it," Bucky said quietly like Steve wasn't meant to hear it. "I'll take care of you," was the last thing Steve remembered before his mind wandered again. He wasn't asleep, just dissociating from everything around him, trying to cope with the pain that made it hard for him to even think clearly while Bucky would slowly take care of him.

Steve threw up two times during the duration he was in the bathroom with Bucky, the last one landing on his clothes. Bucky would then choose to shower Steve, removing his soaked stained clothes and only leaving his boxers. Steve was aware when it happened, practically sobbing to Bucky that he was sorry. Still, Bucky simply hushed him, stroking his back. He never looked at Steve with disgust or judgment, and even in the state Steve was in, he appreciated it. He wasn't sure how he would show Bucky how grateful he was to have Bucky with him. Especially now.

Steve found himself standing under the showerhead, the cold water hitting his frail body that was being aided by Bucky, who was standing right behind him. He pressed Steve's back against his chest and quietly washed Steve. He'd occasionally whisper into Steve's ear that made his body relax. Bucky would then wrap Steve up in a towel and bring him to the sink after Steve whined about the taste in his mouth. He lazily brushed his teeth while Bucky had his arms around Steve's waist. Bucky would then carry him back to bed. Steve managed to sit up by himself on the edge of the mattress while Bucky changed the soaked sheets with sweat. Steve didn't even know how Bucky figured out where he put his extra bed sheets or even found Steve's painkillers. He didn't feel like asking questions now. The pain wasn't as bad now, it no longer hurt to move his head, but he still felt dizzy. It didn't help that the sun way out, the light from the window making Steve flinch. Bucky would quickly close the curtains, making sure the only light source in the room was his lamp that faced away from Steve.

Bucky asked him if it was ok if he'd remove his boxers, and Steve just nodded lazily, and before Steve knew it, he was dressed in clean, dry clothes and laying back down. Steve couldn't help but let out a sigh of relief at how clean he felt. Steve knew that he always seeks out when he was this sick to feel clean. He hated just lying down in his own cesspool of sweat and germs. He could almost cry when he felt Bucky running his fingers through his wet hair. "Still hurts?" Bucky asked. He was sitting by Steve, it seemed like he had changed his shirt, but Steve wasn't paying attention to what he was wearing in the first place to notice. "My head still hurts a little… but better," Steve exhaled sharply, "what… what time is it, Bucky?" Steve then asked, his eyes widening all of a sudden.

"It's eight, almost nine."

His stomach clenched, his anxiety spiking for a moment until he realized he didn't have to work today. Steve rolled on his back, wincing in the process but tries his best to stretch his body as much as he could before lying motionless on the mattress. "Do you think- uh… you can handle food, Steve?" Bucky asked hesitantly. The mention of food made Steve physically sick. He shook his head, only wanting the pain in his temples to go away so he could properly process everything that had happened from last night.  _ What did happen last night?  _ A part of Steve didn't want to know. He didn't remember how he got home or how Bucky found him. He just was glad Bucky was here. Steve couldn't help but feel guilty and slightly embarrassed by his actions. Even if he didn't remember much from last night, he knew he was a handful for Bucky and that he had ruined their night together. "I'm sorry, Bucky. God. I'm so sorry," Steve's voice cracked, the guilt taking over as he looked to Bucky with a sympathetic look. Bucky frowns, his eyes softening as he got closer to Steve.

"Please, Steve-"

"No. Bucky. You're so good. I'm sorry I ruined our day together. I'm sorry-" Bucky cuts Steve this time, cupping Steve's flushed cheeks and pressed a small kiss on the corner of his mouth. Steve melted under the touch, shakily moving his arms around Bucky's neck, attempting to keep Bucky from moving away from him. "You didn't ruin anything. You take care of me, Steve…" Bucky trailed off; he kisses Steve's cheek before speaking again. "And I want to take care of you," Bucky said before connecting his lips with Steve's, giving a chaste, short kiss that made Steve's fingers curl. When Bucky pulls away, he lays down and lets Steve rest his head on his chest, massaging his scalp, and slowly Steve fell asleep again. This time he didn't experience another nightmare, only having vivid images that he'd soon forget once he woke up again.

It was three in the afternoon when Steve finally woke up. With his eyes still closed, he pats around the bed and frowns when he couldn't find Bucky. He opens his eyes and forces himself to sit up, squinting at his surroundings. Steve lets out a sigh when he spots Bucky at the kitchen counter, his back facing Steve. "Bucky," Steve mumbles in a sleepy voice. Bucky turns his head around and gives Steve a small smile before turning his attention back to what he was doing in the kitchen. "How do you feel?" Bucky asked. Steve could hear something being poured into a cup. "Better. I still feel kind of sick, but I don't feel like my head's going to explode," Steve answered. He rubs his temples and brings his knees to his chest, wrapping his arm around his legs. He said nothing more as he waited for Bucky to finish whatever he was doing. Steve would soon find out that Bucky had made him soup. He brought the mug to Steve and sat beside him as Steve stared blankly at it.

"Thought it would be easier to hold."

Steve couldn't help but smile at Bucky. He knew he didn't have soup in his pantry, so Bucky must have gone out to get him some. Steve even noticed the brown bags on the kitchen counter. Indicating that Bucky probably got more than just soup, it made Steve feel warm, and his heart began to race at the thought of Bucky getting him food. "Thank you, Bucky," Steve stuttered. He took small sips of his soup and let Bucky run his hands up and down his back. When Bucky sneaks his hand under Steve's shirt, Steve shudders, feeling his warm hands rub his back. "Someone called earlier," Bucky said hesitantly, "who was it?" Steve asked in a suffocated whisper. Steve already felt the tension building up in his chest. He was thinking the worst. "He was the guy from last night. Um- he wanted to see how you were doing. His name was Sam… I- I think he's ok now with everything," Bucky looks to Steve, waiting for a reaction, but Steve just scrunches up his face in confusion before his face drops.

"Wait, wait. What happened last night, Bucky?" Steve's eyes widen as he prepared himself to hear Bucky's response. Bucky shifted next to Steve like he didn't want to answer the question, but he begins reciting what took place after Steve left the bar. How Sam came out to check on Steve and that he and Bucky almost got in a fight because he thought Bucky had ill intentions. Bucky then briefly explained how he took Steve home and put him to bed. Steve asked if he had said anything embarrassing, but Bucky simply shook his head, labeling Steve's babble as cute. Steve highly doubted anything he said was cute and was glad he couldn't remember anything. By the time Bucky was done telling Steve about last night, the soup was finished, the mug sitting on Steve's nightstand as the two men cuddled up together in bed. Steve found his way back to Bucky's chest.

"So- wait, how did you know I was at the bar Bucky?"

There was a brief silence coming from Bucky. The man's face goes blank, causing Steve to look up in confusion. "Bucky?" Bucky blinks a few times before meeting Steve's gaze. "You know how… my father thought you were familiar?" Bucky asked. Steve nods, recalling the events from a few months ago. "Ever since then… I've been making sure he wouldn't do something. When he doesn't keep me busy, I like to check up on you," Bucky's voice was filled with guilt, clearly knowing it was borderline creepy that Bucky was watching over him. "I'm sorry- I just know my father. I know that if he finds out, I've been here with you. That he'll want to do something about it," Bucky said, his breathing became rapid at the mere mention of his father finding Steve. "Hey. Hey, Bucky, calm down," Steve said once he noticed Bucky heavy under him. Steve sits up and cups Bucky's cheek, ignoring the sudden pain spiking in his head. "We are in a… different situation. I know that Bucky," Steve said, but Bucky shakes his head at that.

"It's still not right."

There was another drawn-out silence between them before Steve spoke.

"Maybe we can revisit… the idea of getting you out."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure where this story is leading me but its going somewhere.


	10. Turn on the Moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve finds himself at the Red Room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! I know it's been four months since my last update. I apologize, online school just wasn't giving me the time of day to get creative and write anything besides papers. I tried to make this chapter interesting to make up for my absence. I've been trying to revise my work, so hopefully the chapters will have less mistakes. Enjoy!

♡

Bucky didn't leave. It was Wednesday now, and Bucky had made no attempt in leaving. He reassured Steve on Monday that he'd be fine and that he wanted to stay longer. Steve didn't argue. They stayed in bed for the majority of Sunday and Monday. They'd order in food, watch anything that came on TV and had a long conversation that mostly made up of Steve mumbling random thoughts he had on the spot. Sometimes Bucky would go out for a little bit, only about an hour or two before returning. The first time he left, he returned with a small bag that Steve assumed was a change of clothes. It got Steve hoping that Bucky's visit would be longer. He learned a lot about Bucky in the few days he stayed over.

One, Bucky was clingy. Not in a bad way, Steve liked the way he'd wake up to Bucky cemented to his back, his lips pressed against his neck. It would always take some convincing to get Bucky to loosen his grip on him so he can get the door or go to the bathroom. Steve figured it wasn't something Bucky could control. His need to be cautious and protective was brought up from years of trauma that Steve knew he was still going through. So, Steve allowed Bucky to cling to his side when he can. It wasn't like he didn't like the way Bucky held him. Steve craved that kind of attention, whether he wanted to admit it or not. 

The second thing Steve learned about Bucky was his love for historical period piece movies. It was one of the few things that got him to really focus on what he was watching. Steve enjoyed the way Bucky's face would soften at certain scenes, usually the ones revolving around two lovers interacting. Bucky would be quick to reach for Steve in the most subtle way. He'd glance at Steve, squeeze his hand, or shift slightly next to him in bed. Steve would start purposefully putting on the channel that mostly played these types of movies just to see the small smile that appeared on Bucky's lips. Steve even remembered how one night, Bucky asked Steve if they were movies like that but between two men. 

"You mean like... a gay historical period piece?" Steve asked. They were both trying to go to sleep, Bucky holding him from behind and nuzzling into Steve's neck softly. "Mhm," Bucky let out. Steve thought for a moment, trying to think of any movie titles that ever showed a same-sex couple. It was rare. Something Steve rarely saw and quite frankly wished he could watch one with Bucky. "There is probably one out there... there isn't much out there, though. If... if I find one, we can watch it together," Steve said, turning his head so he can get a better look at Bucky. "I'd want that," Bucky whispered back, kissing Steve's cheek slow and gently. 

The third thing Steve learned about Bucky was that he was a great model for Steve. They had spent their nights having Steve draw Bucky as he posed on his bed. It was nothing crazy. Usually, Steve would ask Bucky to just sit up and lean against the wall. He'd usually be shirtless, looking down at one of Steve's other journals as Steve sat a few feet away from him. Other times, Bucky would just be lying down while watching a movie, and his hands were always resting on Steve's thigh. Steve had managed to get a few drawings of just Bucky in different poses. His favorite one was Bucky, half asleep, laying on his side just watching Steve draw. It was the first time Steve had seen Bucky look so vulnerable and at peace. 

Now they were lying in bed together. It was only 8, but Bucky seemed to have no issue just lying with Steve. They said nothing for a while, Bucky holding Steve to his chest as Steve dragged his fingers up and down Bucky's back. Once and a while, Bucky would let out a soft exhale, squeezing Steve a little. Steve wondered how long Bucky would stay over. He knew that it wasn't safe for either of them to remain in the same room for an extended period. Steve trusted Bucky's judgment, however, so he didn't say anything when Bucky stayed put. He still wanted to talk to Bucky about the idea of helping him but, Steve wanted to cherish this rare long visit with Bucky just a little bit more.

"I'm starting... to smell like you." 

Steve moved away just enough to look at Bucky's face. "Uh... is that a bad thing?" Steve asked, slightly confused by the statement. Bucky shook his head, pulling Steve back to his chest. "No. It's nice. I'm just..." Bucky trailed off, looking down at Steve with a sudden frown on his face. "When I leave... it's going to be harder," Bucky explained. Steve pressed his face against Bucky's neck, holding him tight in an attempt to hide his reaction to Bucky. He didn't want Bucky to leave. Hell. He never wanted Bucky to go in the first place, but now that he's got a small taste of what it's like to have him around longer than the night--- Steve isn't sure how he's going to let him walk out. Bucky's more open, more willing to show Steve a different side to him that he knew didn't come easy to Bucky. 

"Tonight... It's my last night."

Steve's stomach dropped, his throat tightening at the news. He let out a ragged sigh, waiting for Bucky to fill the silence between them. "I'm sorry that I didn't tell you. I... I wasn't sure what day I had to leave... How many days was it safe to stay here," Bucky's voice cracked. He kissed the top of Steve's head a few times, running his fingers through Steve's soft blond hair. Steve couldn't help but let out a small whimper. "You're leaving now?" Steve attempts to hold back any kind of emotion. Bucky quickly shakes his head, squeezing Steve a little. "No. Staying the night." Was all Bucky could give to Steve, indicating that he would most likely leave within the night. 

"I was getting used to you being here," Steve confesses. It was quiet for some time after that. Steve knew Bucky was awake just based on the way he was breathing and petting Steve's hair. There was a silent tear rolling down Steve's cheek, but he made sure Bucky wouldn't see. The last thing he wanted to do was to make Bucky feel guilty for leaving. He knew this was for their own safety. Steve just hated not knowing where Bucky was. It was easy for his mind to make up the worst scenarios that kept Steve up at night. 

Steve thought back at their conversation a few days ago, about revisiting the idea of helping Bucky. They hadn't really discussed anything, moreover the fact that Steve was still feeling sick and Bucky being too focused on caring for him. It was an idea that he wanted to bring up to Bucky before he left. He knew it might make Bucky retreat back to his somber self, but it would pay off in the end. If there was anything that he could actually do for Bucky, that is. 

"Bucky."

Steve whispered, slightly moving away from Bucky, who quickly tensed up at the sudden movement, already attempting to bring Steve back to his chest. Bucky's face scrunches up in confusion as Steve sits up in bed. "I think we should talk you," Steve said, grabbing Bucky's attention. Bucky sits up slowly, leaning against the wall. "About me? What about me?" Bucky asks, furrowing his brows. Steve looks down at Bucky's hands, focusing on the healed scars on the back of them. He reaches for it, intertwining their fingers together. Bucky's relaxes immediately at the touch, his eyes softening that it made Steve's heart skip a beat. "About getting you out. You know? So... you don't have to be used by your father," Steve felt hesitant to even mention Bucky's "father." It never felt right to refer to him as one, just based on the things Bucky had told Steve. Bucky tensed up slightly, his hands beginning to shake, but Steve was quick to hold it still, petting the back of Bucky's hand. 

"Oh.. ok. I uh, we could do that."

Steve frowns at the sudden hesitation in Bucky's voice. "You ok, Buck?" Steve asks. Bucky nods and rests his forehead on Steve's shoulder, letting out a muffled sigh. "I'm not worth the trouble, Steve," Bucky said, tilting his head to look up at Steve. "Don't say that... please. Don't you... Don't you want to be able to stay whenever you want? To be safe? We can figure something out together," Steve felt his throat tighten up. "I don't want to hear you say that it's not worth it," Steve said in a more stern voice that surprised both him and Bucky. He hadn't meant it to sound like an order, but it seemed to grab Bucky's attention as he moved away from Steve's shoulder. He looked at Steve for a moment. His face was unreadable, his eyes searching something in Steve's face as if he was going something over in his head. 

"I'll give you something."

Before Steve could respond, Bucky quickly got up from the mattress, rushing to Steve's desk without saying another word. Steve gets up and approaches Bucky from behind, leaning against the older man's side as he shakily writes down on a piece of scrap paper. Bucky's breathing gets heavy, pausing every once and while to think before going back to writing. His handwriting was sloppy but readable. Steve still didn't understand what exactly Bucky was writing but said nothing. Bucky folds the piece of paper, turning his body to face Steve. He grabs Steve's hand and places the note into his palms before closing it tightly. 

"Open it tomorrow, ok?"

"What is it-"

"Just open it tomorrow. Everything you need is in this note... I just want to go back and enjoy my last night with you," Bucky said softly, offering up a small but genuine smile to Steve. He cups Steve's cheeks, pressing his lips against Steve's. The kiss was gentle and soothing. Steve couldn't help but lean his body forward against Bucky, gripping tightly at the note that still in his hand. Bucky's hands slowly trail down Steve's waist. Steve lets out a yelp when he feels himself being lifted from the floor. He pulls away from the kiss as Bucky carries him back to bed. "Bucky," Steve groans playfully. Bucky lays Steve back down in bed before crawling on top of the shorter man, resting his head on top of Steve's chest. Steve couldn't help but smile to himself. He watches as Bucky curls into a ball, wrapping his arms around Steve's waist. Steve let his free hand creep onto Bucky's hair, gently running his fingers through it while looking over at the note in his other hand. 

"You'll come back, right?"

"Always."

Steve cried that morning he woke up alone. It took him an hour before he realized the note was still in his hand. It also took him another hour to realize that Bucky had left his clothes behind. Steve took that as a sign that Bucky was coming back. It didn't hurt less but, it gave him some kind of comfort knowing he had something of Bucky's here with him. Steve looked over the note, and it was an address like Bucky stated. With the name  _ Romanoff _ at the bottom. It was further from town, in a much worse neighborhood than Steve's, but he didn't care. Steve has dealt with a beating that almost took his life away. If this was in different circumstances, maybe he would be alarmed by the location but, this was for Bucky. Steve meant every word to Bucky that he had every intention of helping him. 

Steve would leave that same day, with the note in one pocket and a pocket knife in the other. Steve wasn't sure what to expect. He didn't believe Bucky would lead him to danger. Still, Steve would rather be safe than sorry, especially with how people target him based on his appearance. It would take him an hour before he arrived at the location, finding himself surrounded by several stores pilled against each other. It was a Russian neighborhood. Several people were sitting in the outdoor chairs, smoking and talking amongst themselves. Steve made sure to park a bit further from the actual address and walked the rest of the distance. He got a few stares but made no attempt to look back or even acknowledge the people around him. He glanced up and down to the piece of paper before looking back at the stores beside him. He would find himself in front of a building with no neighboring stores once he arrived at his destination. Neon lights were illuminating the place, the words  _ Red Room,  _ blinking in red colors. Steve felt the hair on the back of his neck stand, slightly intimidated by the site. 

A few teenagers run into the place, laughing amongst themselves. Steve couldn't get a better idea of the building. The windows were covered in black film and offered no context to what kind of place this is. Steve hesitantly pushes the door, entering the building only to be met with rows of computers. There were several teenagers and young adults behind the computer. The majority of the people in groups played some of the games that Steve wasn't familiar with. It was like an updated version of an arcade expect it appeared a few people were there to get some work done. The place was dark, the walls were either covered with red curtains or painted black, and the only form of lights was led lights that were plastered on the edge of the ceiling, floor, and furniture. Steve saw that straight ahead was a glass window with a blonde woman sitting behind it. Steve slowly approached her, listening to the kids to his right yelling something in Russian. Simultaneously, the man on his left typed viciously that Steve was concerned he was about to break the keyboard. Steve stood awkwardly in front of the glass window. Steve could barely make out what was behind the woman. The only form of light was a single purple light bulb in the corner that did no justice to lighting the room the woman was in. 

"Yes?"

The blonde woman said in a thick Russian accent, still looking down at her paper. Steve looked back at the note, double-checking the name in it. "Looking for a Romanoff," Steve said in a less confident tone. The woman's head snapped up immediately, raising her brow, giving Steve a questionable look. "What for?" she asked harshly. She appeared more alert now, glaring at Steve, but he was determined to get past this odd ordeal and help Bucky. "Was just sent here to see a Romanoff," Steve managed to say without giving away how nervous he was beginning to feel. The woman stares blankly at him for a moment before pushing her seat back and disappearing into the darkness. Steve stood there, stunned, unsure if his efforts were going to be wasted. Steve wished Bucky had given more information but knowing him, he probably had a reason for the vague note. 

A woman with red hair appears behind the glass, her eyes more emotionless than the blonde woman from earlier. There was a moment of silence between Steve and the woman. The only noise coming from the customers behind Steve, who hadn't noticed the hostility between the two of them. 

"Who are you?"

"Are you Romanoff?" 

"And what if I am?" The redhead smiles. It's not a welcoming one. She tilts her head at Steve, stepping closer to the glass. Steve takes a second to think over his options and realizes he had only one. "I'm here for Bucky," Steve said, thinking maybe the name would get them to understand why he was here or at the very least know he wasn't here to cause any issue. It seemed to work. The redhead's eyes seemed to shift, but she did an excellent job of masking whatever she felt. She quickly disappeared into the darkroom, and Steve couldn't help but let out a frustrated huff. If they were attempting to be mysterious, it was getting old because, at this point, Steve just wanted a directed response. 

"Over here!" The woman called out. She reappeared again, but this time at the end of the store, just a few feet away from where Steve stood. She gestured for Steve to follow her in, and without thinking, Steve followed the woman into the room behind her. As soon as the door closed behind them, the woman raised a gun at Steve's face, her eyes becoming intense and focused. Steve immediately froze, backing away from the redhead before realizing the blonde woman from earlier was right behind with a gun pointing at the back of his head. Steve was surrounded. He wasn't sure why Bucky's name caused such a reaction from the two women, but now he had to figure out how to get them from shooting him. 

"Now. If you can just corporate with us, then maybe we'll help you," the redhead said, keeping her eyes trained at Steve. It looked more personal to her than to the blonde, who seemed to just wait for Steve to show any sign of attacking back. On the other hand, the redhead had a glossy eye like Steve had struck a cord or something. It was hard to read the room since he barely said a word to the two women who already decided Steve was here with ill intentions. 

"Listen. Bucky. He gave me your address and name. He said to come to you. He didn't give me much to work with, but he gave me this," Steve nudged his head at the note in his hand. The redhead looked over at the blonde woman and gestured her to grab it. The woman practically ripped the letter out of Steve's hand, still keeping the gun pointed at Steve's head as she looks over the note. She looks at Steve with a smirk and hands the letter to the redhead. "It looks like his handwriting," the blonde chuckled as the redhead's eyes scan over the note. Her face scrunches up, lowering her gun and backing slightly away from Steve. He took that as an opportunity to explain himself, seeing that the note was helping him just a little. 

"I don't know who you guys are. Bucky just said that this is where I can get help for him. He doesn't tell me much about his job. I know it's not a real job, not safe. I'm not associated with them if that's what you're thinking... just friends with him," Steve rambled, his confidence beginning to deteriorate once the redhead looks up at him. There was a lack of friendliness in her eyes. She looked almost offended. "I don't know if he's mentioned me to you guys. Uh, I'm Steve Rogers," Steve said lamely. He could hear the blonde scoff from behind. "We haven't seen James in years," the blonde said, poking Steve with her gun. Steve froze. Panic began to set in as the redhead raised her gun at him again. She hadn't said much during this whole exchange, and it was making Steve nervous. This had to be Romanoff. 

"How do you know James?" the redhead said. Steve let out a stifled huff, finding it hard to breathe in such a tight space he was in. "It's a long story-"

"We have time," the redhead gestured to the woman behind him something, and suddenly Steve found himself being lead into another room. This room looked average, there were several old computers scattered on a table at their far-right and a long black couch that hadn't looked like it was cleaned since the 80s on the other side of the room. There were no windows, the wall was painted black, and the carpeted floor was stained brown. Steve wasn't sure where this was head as the blonde woman pushed him onto the couch roughly, seemingly enjoying Steve's suffering with the way she was grinning. The two women locked the door behind him, the redhead handing her gun to the other women as she approached Steve. Only leaving a small distance between the two. 

"Go on."

It wouldn't hurt to tell them everything. Bucky seemed to trust them to send Steve here, although Steve didn't feel the same way. Already regretting calling out of work to visit this godforsaken place. 

"Well. I met Bucky last fall... at a hospital. It was brief, kind of odd, and I honestly didn't think I'd see him again, but I did. He made me drive him to my house because he was bleeding. I did as he asked, and well... since then, he's been visiting me once every month. I know it... I know that I sound dumb, and coming here was probably not the smartest idea. But I care about Bucky, and if you guys are the only people he can trust to help me, then I don't care. I... I need him," Steve felt himself getting flustered, his chin trembling as emotions began to overwhelm him. He thought back when Bucky had helped him at the hospital or how he shared dinner with him the second night they met. He couldn't believe that it was almost a whole year since he met Bucky. A sad smile tugged on his face as he looked down at his hands, forgetting where he was for a moment. He could handle this. He was here for Bucky. Steve looked back up with a little more confidence as he stared up at the redhead who had her arms crossed at Steve, analyzing him.

"I really need to help him. He doesn't seem to think he's worth the trouble, but... I just want him safe. I lo- I care a great deal about him. He comes to me with all these bruises and scars. The second night I saw him, I had to clean the blood off of him. I don't think I can stomach something like that now... now that I know him better. He's my frien-" The redhead cuts him off, standing a bit closer to Steve. She gives him a small and barely visible smile. 

"This doesn't sound like a friendship to me."

She didn't sound patronizing or disgusted. She almost sounded amused? Happy? It was hard to tell with the monotonous of her voice. The redhead turns to the blonde, speaking something in Russian, which caused the blonde to lower her weapon. "You really going to let your guard down over silly little story like that?" the blonde said with an annoyed tone, but the redhead doesn't respond back and just brings her focus back to Steve. 

"Am I right?" she asked, this time more gently that it made Steve drop his shoulders. Steve nods, feeling his face heat up at the idea that this complete stranger knew he was in a relationship with Bucky. He could barely tell Peggy about Bucky, and now he was telling a woman who just pointed a gun at him a few minutes this. 

"I didn't think James had it in him. He tends to have trouble... emoting."

"Seems like he's not the only person," Steve couldn't help but say out loud. This gets a smirk out of the redhead, and Steve thinks maybe they'll finally get somewhere. He wasn't sure what about his story got the redhead to let her guard down just a little.

"I'm Natasha Romanoff, and this is Yelena Belova."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah. I wanted to add more but I think it's best to leave you guys hanging just a little. I have to confess, I'm starting to lose confidence in this story.Not sure if it's because I'm my worst critic but I really do apologize for the lack of updates. I'm in winter break so hopefully more updates on the way. I appreciate the kudos and comments! and Happy Holidays.


End file.
